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Image Source: ChatGPT Do you know who the most famous person in our country is? Everyone knows him. His surname is Less, his first name is More, and middle name Or. Everyone calls him Mr. More Or Less. You must've met him or heard others talk about him. The name "Mr. More Or Less" is on the tip of  everyone’s tongues every day because he represents our country's people.    Mr. More Or Less looks more or less like you and me. He has a pair of eyes, but they don’t see very clearly. He has two ears, but his hearing isn’t great. He has a nose and a mouth, but he’s not sensitive to smells or tastes. His brain isn’t small, but his memory is fuzzy, and his thinking isn’t sharp.    He often says: "As long as something is more or less right, that’s good enough. Why be so picky?"     When he was young, his mother sent him to buy some sugar, but he came back with salt. His mother scolded him, but he just shook his head and said: "Isn't sugar and salt more or less the same?"     When he was in school, his science teacher told everyone to bring a potato to class for a science experiment. He brought a tomato. The teacher said, "I said bring a potato, not a tomato." He replied, "Potato, tomato they're more or less the same, right?"  He failed that class.   Later, he worked as an accountant for a small shop. He could write and calculate, but he never paid attention to detail. He often misplaced decimals or wrote 1 as 7. The shopkeeper got angry and scolded him frequently. He just smiled and said, "It's just a decimal. Isn't it more or less the same?"   One day, he had an urgent matter and needed to take a train. He strolled leisurely to the station but arrived two minutes late, and the train had already left. He stared at the smoke from the distant train and shook his head, saying, "I’ll just go tomorrow then. Leaving today or tomorrow is more or less the same. But the train company is too rigid. Isn’t 8:30 and 8:32 more or less the same?"  As he spoke, he slowly walked home, wondering why the train wouldn’t wait for him for just two minutes.    One time, he suddenly fell gravely ill and instructed his son, Close Enough, to fetch Dr. Brown from East Street. Shortly after, his son came back and said, "I couldn't find Dr. Brown, but I found Dr. Black from Weast Street. He's not a human doctor, but he's an animal doctor. That's close enough, right?" Lying in bed, Mr. More Or Less knew he had fetched the wrong person. However, in his pain and urgency, he thought to himself, "Dr. Brown and Dr. Black are more or less the same. I'll give him a try."   Dr. Black treated him with the methods used for dogs. Within less than an hour, Mr. More Or Less passed away.   Just before his death, Mr. More Or Less, gasping for breath, stuttered: "Living and dying are more...or less... the same. As long as things are more...or less... good enough... why... why... take things so seriously?"  After saying these philosophical words, he took his last breath.    After his death, everyone praised Mr. More Or Less for being so illuminated and carefree. They said that throughout his life, he refused to be serious, refused to argue, and refused to fuss. Truly, he was a good man. So, they gave him the honorary title of "The Illuminated One".    His reputation spread further and further over time, and countless people followed his example. As a result, everyone became another Mr. More Or Less. And thus, our nation became a nation of lazy people.    (Story Source: Adapted from this story  by Hu Shih).   Commentary This story is, of course, fictional and satirical, but it does bring some thoughtful humor. There's Chinese proverb that says, "Great matters in the world must be achieved through the details." (Original text: 天下大事必作於細.)   If we want to do anything well, we have to take care of the details, and we have to do our best. When we are lazy, sloppy, or perfunctory, not only is that disrespectful towards others, it's also cheating ourselves. As  Steve Prefontaine said, "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."   What gift? The gift of your potential, of your time, of your talents, of your life, of your self-worth.   I'm reminded of a story of when Jimmy Carter went for an interview for a naval officer position. He talked about all his qualifications and accomplishments. At the end of the interview, the interviewer looked at him curiously and asked, "But did you always do your best?"   Carter was silent for a while, then he finally said, "No. I guess I didn't always do my best."   The interviewer then asked him, "Why not?"   Carter then got up and left the room. And that question haunted him for the rest of his life.   Indeed, why are we doing things that don't deserve our best? If we have to do these things anyway, why are we bringing a lazy or perfunctory attitude to them? If we choose to do our best, not only will we earn others' respect, we will also gain self-respect.   So let's not be like Mr. More Or Less, and instead emulate Mr. Do Your Best. Weekly Wisdom #320

Last week , we discussed how to help children (or people in general) who are very upset and have conflicts with other people. This week, we'll look at the topic of teenage rebellion. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Although the context is parenting, the principles can be extended to any relationship where others oppose us and don't want to listen to us.   One parent asked our class teacher about how to prevent and deal with teenage rebellion. The teacher first asked, "Do you guys agree that teenage rebellion is a normal thing that all teenagers go through?"   So what do you think? Did you or your friends go through a phase of teenage rebellion? Why or why not? The teacher then continued: "I asked my mom before, 'Mom, did I go through a phase of teenage rebellion?' She thought for a while until finally saying, 'No.' If we look back in history, teenage rebellion was never mentioned. Filial piety (respecting and loving parents) was the norm in the past. So clearly, teenage rebellion is not a law of the teenage years. The law of causality states that every result has a cause. A teenager becoming rebellious is a result. What are the causes [reasons]?   No child is born rebelling their parents. A child naturally respects their parents and looks up to their parents. When children are in kindergarten, they always say, "My dad says…My mom says…" This clearly shows their respect and admiration towards parents. If this attitude is maintained until the teenage years, teenage rebellion wouldn't arise.   So why do so many teenagers rebel against parents now? One major possibility is that the parent's behavior has made the child feel wronged, upset, annoyed, or misunderstood, and this negative feeling has been accumulating in the child's heart for a long time. This often happens when the parent is too controlling and demanding, such that if the child voices any objection, the parent just negates them. Although the child didn't rebel in the past, that resentment was always accumulating, until one day, it reaches a tipping point, and rebellion starts happening. As parents, we ought to reflect on whether we've set a good role model for our children and whether if we've made them feel wronged or misunderstood.   Of course, external factors are probably involved too. Perhaps their classmates at school are disrespectful towards parents and teachers, and they subconsciously learn that bad role modelling. Or perhaps they watched movies or read books that teach arrogance and conflict. Thus, as parents, we need to be aware of what our children are learning, and we should proactively teach them morality."   The parent replied, "Yes you're right. I suppose I do force my children to listen to me sometimes, but that's because they don't know what's good for them. If I just let them do whatever they want, isn't that wrong as well?"   The teacher replied, "Thank you for bringing up that question. It's a very valid concern. When we say don't be so controlling or demanding, it's a type of attitude. It's about having the intention to understand and respect others. It does not mean just letting them do whatever they want, especially if what they want to do is bad for them or others. If we have the intention to understand and respect them, we would naturally soften up and patiently communicate with them. We would really try to understand them first, and then patiently communicate our concerns and try to find a solution together rather than forcing them to accept our perspective. We would command less and discuss more."   Commentary Although here, my teacher said that parents need to be more understanding and respectful towards children, that doesn't mean children can demand their parents to be understanding and respectful towards them. We should remember Marcus Aurelius's teaching: "Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself."   We should all be more understanding and respectful towards others, not demand others to be more understanding and respectful towards us (as that will lead to major conflict). If my teacher were talking to children, he would say, "You guys need to be more understanding and appreciative towards your parents."   Effective communication is more about the intention we have and less about the techniques we use. Our intention should be purely to understand them, not to argue with them and tell them why they are wrong. Nor should we view communication as a trade where if we listen for 10 minutes, they should then give us 10 minutes of attention back.   When we understand others, we'll naturally soften up. When others feel understood, they'll naturally soften up too, and the trust between you two will increase. When we have enough trust with them, they will be willing to listen to us.   I remember many years ago, when I had conflict with my mother, I just wanted her to stop misunderstanding me, and she just wanted me to understand her. As a result, our communication always led to more conflict, and we didn't want to communicate anymore.   I then started learning about Confucianism and filial piety , and I decided to let go of my views and just follow my mom's wishes. Although I did it with a bit of unhappiness at first, my mom was quite touched, and she softened up. It's as Mencius said, "One who loves others will constantly be loved by others. One who respects others will constantly be respected by others."   Thus, we shouldn't wait for others to understand us or be good to us first. What others do is outside our control, but what we do is in our control. We need to be proactive rather than reactive. When we take initiative to respect others first, others will eventually respect us back. When we give to others, others will naturally give back to us. The key is in our sincerity and patience.   For more on building trust with others and getting others to do what we ask, check out these articles: How to Change Others The Four Methods of Guidance Four Pieces of Candy   Concluding Thoughts Do others oppose or rebel against me? How might I have contributed to this outcome? Do I command more or discuss more with others? Weekly Wisdom #319

Recently in my Chinese philosophy class, some parents asked questions related to difficult situations with their children. Although I am not a parent myself, I do teach young children, and I certainly encounter similar situations.  Moreover, I know there are many parents out there who might face similar struggles, so I am writing this article to share some wisdom related to educating children.   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Even if you are not a parent or do not teach children, you probably have people complain to you about their problems. The principles for helping others resolve their problems are the same, so the content in this article should still be useful for you.   Situation 1: Cheating On A Test A parent asked, “One, my son’s classmate from another class messaged him the test paper for next week. I saw this message on his phone and that he already downloaded this file, meaning he already looked at it. I was worried that my son thinks cheating is fine, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt first and asked him why he looked at that test paper file.   He said to me, ‘Oh I’m just curious what kinds of questions might be on the test. If there are any questions I don’t understand, I can prepare more beforehand.’   I said, ‘OK. But it’s important to know that cheating is wrong.’   The next day in class, that teacher actually showed the students the same test paper and told them to study it for the test next week. The week after, the real test was exactly that test paper. I’m quite baffled at how even the teacher promotes unethical behavior! What can I even do?”   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? Of course, there isn’t one correct answer, so I’ll give my thoughts and my teacher’s reply just for consideration. I thought to myself, I would first affirm the child for taking his studies seriously; after all, everyone needs more encouragement nowadays. Then I would talk to him about the importance of ethics and that if we try to obtain results in an unethical way, it would result in a guilty conscience that haunts us in the future. This long-term mental suffering is not worth the short-term material gain.   My teacher replied, “This is a great educational opportunity. You can help your son develop his ethical discernment and ability to think about situations more holistically. For example, you can discuss with him why the teacher might do this kind of unethical behavior. Perhaps it’s because the teacher faces pressure from the school or parents to have students get grades; Otherwise, she’ll receive a bad performance review. You can ask your son, do you think the teacher knows that her behavior is unethical? If yes, then don’t you think this teacher is struggling to get by? The teacher has a tough situation, so we can try to be more understanding towards her rather than judgmental. We can also discuss from the perspective of classmates. If only a few students see the test paper in advance, do you think that’s fair? Do you think other classmates would be upset at you for cheating? If you cheat to get a high grade, can you feel proud of yourself? Is it really worth it then? We also need to show empathy to the kid. We can tell him that we understand his difficulty. If everyone else looks at the test paper and cheats to get a high score, but he doesn’t cheat and then gets a low score, he’ll feel very bad and stupid. We can even say, ‘If I were you, I would want to cheat too.’ When he feels understood, he’ll be more open to our advice. Then we can tell him ‘We have to restrain ourselves from doing what we know is wrong. I know it’s not easy, but I promise you’ll be glad you did it after the test because you’ll have a clear conscience. Unlike the students who cheated, you can look people in the eye and say ‘I’ve never cheated on a test!’ How awesome would that feel? I care much more about your moral character than your grades, and our happiness in life also depends on our character, not our grades. You can do it. I believe I you.’” Situation 2: Conflict With A Classmate Another parent asked, “I recently faced an awkward situation with my son and his classmate. That day, my son’s classmate was sick and missed class. This classmate then messaged my son to ask what the homework was, but my son didn’t reply, so this classmate messaged me to ask my son to reply. I then asked my son about it, and he said, ‘Mom can you just ignore him? He likes to scold me and call me names in class.’   I told him, ‘What are you saying? Your classmate wants to be good and do homework. You should help him!’   My son then started crying. I was quite flustered, so I replied to that classmate and said, ‘Sorry I am very busy tonight. Why don’t you ask another classmate?’   The classmate replied, ‘OK, thank you ma’am.’   I then showed this message to my son and said, ‘OK I told him to find another classmate. But look, he’s a pretty polite boy! Try to be nicer to him.’ My son was quite unhappy still.   What can I do in this situation?”   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? I thought to myself, this mother probably needs to give more understanding to her son first before criticizing him and demanding high moral standards from him. Moreover, it’s probably not a good idea to cover up for the son, as that might make the son think as long as he cries, his mother will give him what he wants. Of course, if I had to reply her, I’d be softer in my messaging.   My teacher replied, “This is another great teaching opportunity. As mentioned earlier, we need to teach our children to think from other people’s perspectives, to expand their hearts, to not only think about themselves all the time.   We can help the kid try to see the perspective of that classmate. This classmate often bullies you, yet when he’s sick and missed class, he still came to you for help. How do you think he feels about you? Clearly, he thinks you are a person with a big heart, a person who is willing to forgive him and help him in his time of need. If I were you, I’d feel quite touched by that.   From another perspective, maybe he has no friends at all. Otherwise, why would he ask for help from someone he bullies? Do you think he likes having no friends? He probably wants to be good and have friends, but he can’t control his bad habit of calling other people names, so he's quite miserable deep down inside. When we understand his hardship, we can feel more compassion for him.   Also, we parents need to be more careful of unintended consequences. I know you were probably trying to comfort your son when you showed him the message you gave to that classmate, but what your son might learn is that as long as he cries and shouts, his mother will grant his wish. It’s not wrong to try to comfort our children, but we need to guide them towards proper thinking. If it’s a really tough situation, you can grant your child’s request, but we should say something like, “This time, due to very extenuating circumstances, I will grant your request, but we cannot do this next time.”   You also didn’t need to lie to that classmate. You could’ve said something like, ‘I asked my son, but he is a bit reluctant because he said you bullied him. I know you probably didn’t mean to hurt him, so I will try to talk to him more. But in the meantime, it might be best for you to ask another classmate for help.’   We can also give more encouragement to the child to expand his heart. We might say something like, 'I know it’s very hard to help someone you dislike because he bullied you. But think about it: just because others treat us unkindly, does that mean we should treat them unkindly? What others do is their matter, but what we do is our matter. Our moral character has a huge impact on our life, and a person of high moral character treats all people well. If you can expand your heart and help him, I’ll be very proud of you, and we can celebrate together with your favorite snack and movie.’”   Situation 3: Venting About School Another parent asked, "How can I help my child maintain respect towards a bad teacher? My daughter is in grade 8. Whenever she comes home, she complains about how unreasonable her teacher is. She says the teacher demands them to be in their seats 5 minutes before class starts, and the teacher always ends 5 minutes late. Because this teacher cuts away 10 minutes from their break time, she doesn't even have enough time to use the washroom.   Whenever she comes home, she always vents about this teacher. I told her to not always focus on other people's faults, but I can't say that this teacher is right. I've listened to her vent for hours about this teacher, to the point that I just said, 'Can we take a break from this topic please?'   Moreover, she gives herself so much pressure to get high grades. I've told her before that we don't ask for high grades from her, but that didn't resolve her stress. She is so scared of being at the bottom of her class, but at the same time, she isn't happy when she gets high grades. Instead, she is scared that she can't get as high a grade next time. It seems like nothing I say can help her."   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? I thought to myself, wow this daughter vented for hours? That's some serious resentment! And wow, the mother listened for 2 hours? I should praise her for her patience. At the same time, we really shouldn't let the daughter vent for that long. At that point, I feel like the more she complains, the more her resentment grows, so it becomes counter-productive, not to mention anger is harmful for our health. We should try to divert her attention to something else. And then when she's calm, we can guide towards actually solving the problem, like focusing on how we can adapt ourselves to the teacher rather than demanding the teacher to change.   My teacher replied: "The more agitated and emotional the other person is, the more calm and rational we need to be. If we become agitated and emotional along with them, then we'll only worsen the problem. For example, if your daughter comes home and starts venting about how annoying that teacher is, you could give her a smile and say, 'Hey sweetie, I can see you've had a tough day. Why don't you come sit down and relax while I give you a shoulder rub? Do you want some hot chocolate?'   She'll probably be caught off guard by this unexpected kindness, and her negative emotions might reduce a lot, then she'll naturally stop venting so much. After she's calmed down, we can discuss reason with her. We can help her try to see the situation in a different light and understand her teacher's perspective.   I might say, 'Wow, sounds like your teacher has it pretty rough. He tries so hard at his job to make sure his students get good grades, but as a result, his students are all upset at him. What a tragedy!'   Or I might say, 'You know, I'm pretty jealous of you. Your teacher actually cares a lot about your performance, and he's willing to sacrifice his time for you guys by starting class early and ending late. This way, you have a better chance of getting better grades, getting into a better university, finding a good job, and having a brighter future. Your teacher isn't just doing the bare minimum to get by!'   I might also say, 'Yes, school is rough right now. School is rough for most people. But how long will these school years last? You're in grade 8 right now. In less than 10 years, you'll probably be graduated from university. The effort you put in these 10 years will influence the rest of your life. If you live until 70, then these 10 or so years of effort will impact the next 60 years after. So even if it is hard work and tiring right now, isn't it worthwhile?'   Just to be clear, there is no panacea or one-size-fits-all solution. These are just some ideas I thought of. The important thing isn't to learn the content of my answers, but rather the attitude and frame of mind that I have which allows me to come up with these answers. You need to put yourself in your daughter's shoes, put yourself in that teacher's shoes, and then guide your daughter towards effective and positive thinking, and the way you guide her needs to be suitable for her. Don't be overly demanding."   My Experience: Dealing With A Rude Classmate I was able to practice emulating my teacher's spirit recently. I tutor a few students aged 10-12, and one of them is quite rude (let's call him Bob). Another student (let's call her Betty) always gets really upset when Bob calls her names or steps on her shoes or pushes her. Of course, I've told Bob many times to be respectful and to apologize, but it's not easy for him to change his habits. I then decided to also tell Betty to work on herself rather than always demanding others to change.   I had a short talk with Betty, and I first tried to help her feel understood. I said, "I know you must feel very upset and annoyed at Bob for his rude behavior. It's tough, and I want you to know that I really appreciate your good behavior in class." I then tried to help her see the situation in a different light. I said, "Do you have a habit that you find hard to change?" She said, "I guess slouching."   I said, "Yeah, me too. We know we shouldn't slouch, but we just subconsciously keep doing it. Similarly, Bob has a habit of being rude, maybe because growing up, he saw a lot of rude behavior, so he naturally learned it. What's more, he thinks this is normal and fine. I am trying to change his way of thinking as well, but it really takes time to change someone's habit and way of thinking, so I hope you can help me by role modeling respectful behavior for him and being patient towards his change process. That would be a big help to me."   She said, "OK I'll try."   I said, "Thank you! Also, I want you to think about this question: can Bob really make you upset?"   She said, "Yes of course he makes me mad."   I said,  "Are you saying then that Bob is in charge of your feelings? Who should be in charge of our feelings? It should be ourselves, right? We decide how we feel. Not other people. So no matter how other people treat us, we always have the choice to decide how we feel and react. I want you to try it next time. When Bob tries to provoke you, tell yourself, 'I am going to choose to remain calm because I choose my feelings'. If you can do that, I'll give you a point each time [students in my class can trade points for rewards]. Besides, if you get upset, that's probably exactly what Bob finds entertaining. But if you remain calm and respectful, he might get bored of teasing you."   The next week when we had class, Betty told me about all the annoying stuff Bob did this past week, and that she got really angry at him one time, but she managed to control herself and not get angry two times. I told her, "Wow I am so proud of you! Controlling our anger is one of the hardest things, and you managed to do it twice! You totally earned two points."   Conclusion When trying to help others with interpersonal problems, we need to first understand the perspectives of each person involved and realize that everyone is trying their best to do what they think is right. When we see people's positive intentions, or when we understand others' difficulties, we won't be so critical and judgmental towards them. Second, we need to help the complainer calm down and feel understood before we start talking about reason and logic. Third, when we do speak about reason and logic, it needs to be in a way that resonates with them, and the advice we give should make them feel like it's achievable. Weekly Wisdom #318

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR AND BLOG Who are you? I'm just a fellow student of life, trying to contribute something meaningful to the world. I'm a high school teacher by day and an amateur blogger in my free time. ​ Why did you start this blog? I'm passionate about learning, and I believe great things should be shared! I believe having wisdom is the key to happiness and success. Only when we have the right mindset and ideas, we will do the right actions and get good results. Hence, I started this blog to share wisdom that I've learned and practiced so that others might avoid the suffering I've experienced and gain joy and success. ​ Why do you use a picture of a smiling owl? Because owls represent wisdom, and when we use wisdom in life, we will gain joy. ​ What should I do on this blog? I suggest you either browse around or use the search bar for specific topics. You can also scroll down on the home page to see all the different tags (topics) on the blog. Click on any you that catch your interest to see articles on that topic. ​ You can also browse a category that interests you. I created 5 categories for the blog: Weekly Wisdoms are my weekly learning reports. My intention is to make sure I keep learning, but since these learnings are useful to others, I publish them on my blog. Top Picks are articles that I think deserve special mention. Book Summaries are long posts summarizing books that I think are worth sharing. Stories are short stories with lessons worth reflecting on and sharing. Health covers basic knowledge we could all use in terms of physical health and mental health. I also blog about Traditional Chinese Medicine. Ancient Wisdom is about timeless wisdom from ancient sages and philosophies, such as Stoicism, Buddhism, Confucianism, and Daoism. ​ How can I support you? You can simply read some articles and press the heart button if you found them useful 😃. Another way is to comment on my posts about what you found useful. ​ Can I request a topic for you to write about? Sure! I'd be happy to write about any topics that are useful to a large group of people. You can make a request by sending me a message on the Contact Page. About: About

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