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Recently in my Chinese philosophy class, a classmate shared a seemingly simple story, but the class had quite an insightful discussion afterwards. Basically, this classmate went to another country with his parents for travel. They arrived at the hotel in the evening, checked in, and were about to go for dinner. The classmate pre-booked a nice restaurant beforehand, and he ordered an Uber ride.   However, while the Uber was on the way, the weather suddenly changed, and it started raining quite heavily. His mother said, "I'm worried that if we go to that restaurant, we'll get caught in a big storm, and it'll be difficult for us to come back. How about we just order some food from the hotel restaurant instead?" The classmate thought about it. At first, he didn't want to cancel on the driver and risk making the driver upset. Moreover, if he made the driver upset, the driver could give him a bad rating on Uber, which would influence his ability to call Uber rides in the future. But then he thought of Confucius's teaching from The Classic Of Filial Piety : "To not love one's parents yet love others violates morality."   Moreover, his mother originally looked forward to that restaurant, so the fact that she changed her mind must mean she's really quite worried about weather safety. Thus, he concluded that the moral thing to do is to put his parents' feelings above the feelings of the Uber driver and himself. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5   By this time, the driver had already arrived at the hotel entrance. But he decided to call the driver and explain that due to the sudden weather change, he'd like to cancel the ride, and he apologized for the inconvenience.   After the story, our teacher asked the class, "Do you guys agree with this classmate's decision to listen to wrong the Uber driver instead of his parents?"   What do you think? If you were in this classmate's position, what would you have done?   One classmate said, "I don't really think we're 'wronging' the Uber driver by cancelling at the last minute. He's an Uber driver. Uber drivers encounter this kind of situation all the time. Plus, the bad weather is an understandable reason. He won't be that shocked."   Another classmate said, "It is a bit disappointing to the Uber driver that he came all the way here, and suddenly the ride got cancelled. But if we go, then we would be forcing our parents to do something they don't want to do. That's definitely worse. So I agree with choosing parents over the driver."   In my mind, I thought we could just give some money to the driver as a way to express our apology. Due to time restrictions, the teacher didn't ask any more students for their thoughts.   The teacher replied: "If we're learning Confucianism, we need to learn to think and act like Confucius. What do you think Confucius would do? Do you really think he'd wrong the Uber driver? Confucius is described as considerate, good-natured, and respectful, so I think he'd try his utmost to not wrong his parents nor the Uber driver. The problem with all your answers and attitude is that you lack consideration for the Uber driver. You feel like because he's an Uber driver, he signed up for this risk, so if he encounters customers cancelling on him, that's his problem, not yours. Confucius wouldn't be so inconsiderate. Of course, he'd prioritize not wronging his parents, but he'd feel really bad about wronging the Uber driver, much more than you guys, so he'd try much harder to think of a way to not wrong the Uber driver. For example, I can think of a way: just give the Uber driver the money for the ride as a way to apologize for the last minute cancellation. After all, he's already at the door! It's very very impolite to cancel so late. Besides, it's just a bit of money, it's not a big deal. But your kindness and respect is a very very big deal. It will have a huge impact on your life."   Afterwards, another student asked, "But if we give the Uber driver money when he didn't even provide the service, would there be a risk of him thinking that everyone who cancels should treat him that way? Then we'd be unintentionally growing his greed? I'm thinking it's best to first discuss with him and explain our situation clearly, then see how he reacts. If he seems to have a bad temper and demands compensation, I would just give what he demands. But if he has a good attitude and is understanding, I would volunteer to give more."   The teacher replied: "Firstly, we need to stop thinking we are above others, as if we are the morally righteous people in the world, and the common folk need our teachings. The point of learning philosophy, no matter if it's Confucianism or Buddhism, is to correct ourselves, not to correct other people! If you grow arrogant from learning philosophy, then you will ruin yourself and ruin the image of Confucianism and Buddhism. We should be letting others feel comfortable and happy around us, not strangled by chains of morality.   Secondly, we need to let go of the desire to always explain ourselves, to always want to prove our innocence in other people's eyes. I would just say to the driver, 'Sorry, something came up at the last minute. Here is the trip fare to express my apologies.'  That's it. No need to waste his time and explain my whole story.   If you feel such a strong desire to explain why you are not at fault to this Uber driver, you will have the same desire towards all other people when they criticize you. If you always explain why you're not mistaken, why you are right in your own way, then people won't bother pointing out your problems anymore. That's very dangerous. So what if they misunderstood your situation and criticized you wrongly? It's not a big deal.   If they criticized us, and we have that problem, then we humbly accept it and try to correct our problem. If they criticized us and we don't actually have that problem, then we still humbly accept it and guard against it in the future. Don't try to explain yourself right after being criticized. If it's not a big deal, just let it go. If it is a big deal, then wait for a later time to calmly communicate. This shows that you actually thought about their feedback for a while as opposed to reacting in the heat of the moment, and they would be more willing to listen to you this way."   My Reflection After that class, I thought about my teacher's words. If he didn't ask us, "Do you think that classmate is right for wronging the Uber driver over his parents?" , I might not have sensed anything wrong with his behavior. But after my teacher raised this question, I immediately realized, "Ah! Of course! We shouldn't try to wrong anybody, not just our parents!"   Secondly, my teacher often reminds us to not be arrogant and think we should "teach" others how to be moral. Indeed, I've noticed that after learning these moral standards, it's easy to see other people's faults. If we fall into the trap of focusing on other people's faults, we'll grow arrogant and annoyed, and we'll criticize and demand others, creating lots of conflict. Thus, when we see other people's faults, we need to remember to be strict with ourselves and understanding towards others. Furthermore, we should set a good role model for them. The only time to use words to advise them is if they really trust and admire us, and our intention is compassionate, not demanding.   Image Source Third, disliking being wrongfully criticized has been a long-standing problem for me. I even wrote an article titled " How To Not Get Upset At Misunderstandings and Criticisms " roughly a year ago. Looking back, I've made some progress. Something I didn't internalize back then is the fact that if others misunderstood us, we must have behaved in a way that would make them think that way; Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to think that way, so the root of the problem is still ourselves, not them. Given that we are indeed responsible for their misunderstanding, what right do we have for getting angry and blaming them? Of course, it's easy to discuss theory when everything is blue skies and sunshine; it's much harder to walk the talk in the heat of the moment, and that's why moral cultivation requires consistent practice and accumulation.   Concluding Thoughts Have you ever wronged somebody? If you could, how would you change your behavior in that situation? Do you demand yourself more or others more? Do you feel a strong desire to explain yourself when criticized? Weekly Wisdom #313

Introduction Anyone who knows me knows that I’m passionate about helping others by sharing useful knowledge. Today, I am going to write about a sensitive topic for many people: meat and animal products. Perhaps you’ve had vegans tell you that if you eat meat, you’re a cruel human being. I’m not here to blame you or criticize you or chastise you. My intention is to help you. Image Source: Unsplash I write about things I wish I had known when I was younger. Examples include relationship advice, productivity, happiness, success, and health. If I had known these things earlier, I could have prevented so much pain and suffering. This article is no different. This article is going to explain how the reasons for not eating meat is from an ethical, environmental, and health perspective. But before that, I want to talk a little bit about my own experience going vegan so that you understand where I’m coming from. My Story The Early Days I ate meat for the first 21 years of my life, though I have to comment that the first time I ate steak and sashimi, I felt like puking. I didn’t love meat naturally. I ate it because I thought it was normal. I even remember forcing myself to practice eating steak and sashimi at restaurants so that I could "fit in". WHY did I think eating meat was normal? Here are some reasons I can think of: All the adults did it, so it must be okay TV commercials advertising meat and animal products show cute animals being happy I watched SpongeBob on TV, and the show made “Krabby Patties”, which are basically hamburgers, look delicious. I would remember wanting to go get a burger and think to myself I’m eating Krabby Patties. I played games like RuneScape, where you go around fishing and killing things, including animals. The animals then “drop” meat, and you can go cook the meat to make food, which heals you. The games also show animals wandering around in the wild with freedom, and you can go up to them to get resources like eggs, milk, and wool without hurting them. I watched YouTube videos of people eating all sorts of meat as a form of pleasure, fun, and enjoyment. I imagine these reasons might apply to many others as well. When I was in university, I got into working out mainly because I wanted to bulk up and fit the stereotypical image that society has of a male. As a result, I ate lots of meat and protein shakes with milk. All the other guys at the gym were doing the same thing, so again, I thought it was normal and even healthy. The Book That Changed Me Shortly after I graduated university, I discovered a book called Liao Fan’s Four Lessons , which resonated deeply with me. The book is about cultivating virtues like compassion and humility, and in it, Liao Fan urges the reader multiple times about not killing animals. He is very soft and poetic in his persuasion, and below are some excerpts from the book: “All living beings love life and are afraid to die. How can I be at peace with myself by taking another’s life to nurture my own? At times, animals were even cooked alive, such as fish or crabs. They may not have been completely slaughtered before going into the cooking pot. Such pain and suffering reach down into the bones, how can we be so cruel to these animals?” “We can be nourished just as well by consuming vegetarian foods. Why let your stomach become a graveyard and reduce your fortune through the sin of killing?” “We should feel sympathy for all living creatures, even the tiny ants, who know of suffering and are afraid to die. How can we kill and eat living beings and not feel the least sorry? Some people even say that these things were meant for human consumption, but there is no logic in this argument, and it is only an excuse for those who desire meat.” “When we think thus, how dare we kill? How can we swallow a morsel of that flesh? Besides, even if the meat does taste good, the taste only lasts from the mouth to the throat. After we swallow, there is nothing left to taste… Why let your stomach become a graveyard?” “Even if you cannot quit eating meat altogether, you should still try to gradually reduce your meat intake until vegetarianism is accomplished. In this way, you can reach a higher state of compassion within your heart.” “Tung-pwo Su, a great poet from the Song Dynasty once write: ‘For love of the mice, often leave them some rice; In pitying the moth, we won’t light the lamp.’ What a kind and compassionate statement!” When I first read about cooking crabs alive in a pot, I flashed back to a time in university when some friends and I put some live lobsters in a boiling pot of water. I remember hearing a high-pitched whistling sound, and I thought it was the lobster screaming in pain. I felt so much remorse and sadness upon that flashback that I knew I needed to change. I listened to that audiobook hundreds of times during my commute to work. I decided to give vegetarianism a try. My well-intentioned friends had warned me about nutritional deficiencies, so I thought, “Well let’s try this for a month or two and see how I feel. If I feel worse, then I’ll stop. If I feel the same or better, then I’ll continue.” The Chef That Changed Me Around the same time, I discovered a vegan cooking channel on YouTube called Avantgarde Vegan by Gaz Oakley . Oakley had just started his YouTube channel at that time, but now (4 years later), he has over 1 million subscribers and is known internationally for his superb vegan dishes. He makes vegan food and lifestyle seem very cool and appealing without being preachy, which is something I greatly admire about him. I followed many of his cooking videos and also bought his book, Vegan 100 . Previously. I didn’t like cooking because I thought it was gross to handle meat. But I really enjoyed vegan cooking and made many delicious and beautiful meals thanks to Oakley. The best of my vegan cooking. Big thanks to Gaz Oakley. After two months, I felt no difference in my health and energy. I think a big part of the reason was because I didn’t eat much meat on a daily basis anyway; I mostly ate meat at restaurants with friends. However, I still continued to consume animal products like milk and eggs because I loved milk tea, cakes, and cheese. At the time, I didn’t associate these things with killing. I still had the idea that these cows and chickens are wandering around in nature, and we don’t hurt them by getting milk and eggs from them. The Sickness That Changed Me A couple years later, I got quite sick, and I was really confused because I thought eating vegetarian is healthy. Later, I learned from Medical Medium that my problem is an EBV-viral infection in the liver. This virus eats things like eggs, dairy, and heavy metals. Hence, I went vegan for health reasons. Moreover, EBV-viral infections are extremely common in our society, and it’s the cause for most mystery chronic diseases that doctors can’t heal. In his book, Medical Medium , he explains that out of the 320 million people in the US, over 225 million Americans (that’s over 70%!) have some for of EBV. This virus is responsible for diseases like fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, multiple sclerosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, hypothyroidism, and it can be a contributing factor to many other diseases. What I appreciated about Medical Medium is that he doesn’t persuade you to go vegan. He even says it’s okay from a health perspective if you eat meat, as long as its in little amounts. He states that his goal is to help sick people heal by spreading the truth, not to criticize people for the food choices. I realized that even though I was vegetarian, I was still consuming dairy and eggs through milk tea, pizza, ice cream, pastries, and cakes. When you’re really sick and in pain, and you know these delicious foods are hurting you, it’s very easy to stop eating them. I followed Medical Medium’s recommendations to stop eating those foods and to eat more fruits and vegetables, which help cleanse the body and fight EBV. It took around half a year for me to heal, but I’m just one of the millions of people that have proved his advice to be true. Now, I think of myself as a Medical Medium vegan, which means I focus on whole foods, fruit, and vegetables, and I avoid processed foods, excess fat, dairy, and eggs. The Activist That Changed Me Recently, Gaz Oakley reached 1 million subscribers on YouTube, and he released a video explaining why he went vegan. I was curious why he didn't explain it earlier, and he said he didn’t do it sooner was because when he first went vegan, he tried telling some of his colleagues and friends, but he isn’t good at articulating ideas, so people felt offended by him and shunned him away. Then he realized that he’s really good at cooking, so he decided to do his activism through cooking, which obviously has been a huge success. In his video, he said he was listening on the radio to one of his favorite musicians who happens to be vegan, and that musician mentioned a video that made him go vegan overnight. So Oakley watched that video, and it also made him go vegan overnight. The video is a 1-hour lecture by Gary Yourofsky given to a university class. I watched it yesterday, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I wish I had known about all those things earlier! Now I’m very clear on why being vegan is important aside from health reasons, and I now see the urgency and importance of not just being vegan myself, but also spreading the message to minimize damage on the Earth. Now that I've finished my backstory, let's get into veganism. The 2010 Gary Yourofsky Lecture I will summarize the key points since I know many people might not have the time or desire to go watch that 1-hour lecture. But I hope that after you read my summary, you will check out his speech. Some people might feel like he is a bit critical in his speech and feel turned off by that. Some people might admire and respect his uprightness. Regardless of how he is, it's important that we don't become critical and harsh to those who eat meat, as that would make them oppose us and rebel against us just because they don't like our attitude. If we want others to change willingly, we should inspire them . Gary explains that animals are the forgotten victims of our world. When people are enslaved, abused, murdered, or raped, we raise our voices and stand up for the victims. Yet 53 billion* land animals and 18 million marine animals are killed every year on this planet in inhumane factory conditions, and people don’t think a second thought when eating meat or animal products. He explains that we should go vegan for three reasons: ethical, environmental, and health, but primarily because of ethical reasons. *(Note: these statistics are from the 2010 lecture. Updated statistics can be found here .) Ethics From an ethical perspective, he states, “98% of animals who are abused and killed on this planet are abused and killed by the meat, dairy, and egg industries.” He further explains that at any moment, there are no less than 5000 concentration camp trucks containing terrified, innocent beings: cows, pigs, and chickens. When these trucks arrive, the animals are so terrified, they won’t get off, so humans use electric prods to force them to walk to their deaths. Inside these factories, they are hanged upside down and then chopped up into a hundred pieces while conscious ! These animals have done nothing to wrong us, so why must we treat them so cruelly? He shows a short video of the inhumane treatment that happens at these factories. He says that he didn’t believe these things when he first heard about them, but then he actually went to these factory farms and saw it with his own eyes, and that’s why he cannot help but be an activist. The horrors are beyond what I can describe in words, which is why I urge you to go watch the lecture. Pretty much everyone would cringe at these slaughterhouse images. Gary asks, "If it's not good enough for your eyes, then why is it good enough for your stomach?" I heard Earthling Ed, another vegan activist, say "If we wouldn't want to kill the animal ourselves, why is it acceptable to pay for someone else to do it on our behalf?" Near the end of the lecture, Gary asks the students what the worst scream is. He says, “Worse scream I have ever heard! A mother cow on a dairy farm, as she screams and bawls her lungs out day after day for her stolen baby, to be given back to her. And I can only imagine, the same scream every woman in this room would make, if somebody held you down after birth and stole your newborn baby from you.” He further explains cows, like humans, need to be new mothers to make milk. Every year, these female cows are raped by human machines that inject bull semen into her to make her pregnant. After she gives birth, the calf is taken away from her, and humans abuse her to produce as much milk as possible. Humans then drink the milk that the cow made for her baby. If you think about it, dairy is even more cruel than beef. Remember I said earlier that Liao Fan was very soft and poetic in urging us to be vegetarian? Well, he lived 500 years ago, and I’m guessing back then, people still got eggs and milk in a humane way. In our modern society, even eating eggs and dairy is supporting animal torture. Gary convinced me to speak up about this issue when he said, “ I hope you all understand what I’m offering you today. When you hit the door, after my speech, are you aware, that for the first time ever, you can now directly participate in ending a massacre? ” Environment From an environmental perspective, Gary explains that animal agriculture is the number one factor for environmental pollution, air pollution, water pollution, deforestation, and greenhouse gas emissions. The animal waste from factory farms pollute the world’s lakes and rivers more than all other industries combined. Moreover, these animals are doused in chemicals to kill flies that spread disease, and the food that they eat are sprayed with up to 20 times more chemicals that what is allowed for human consumption. Not only do those chemicals pollute our air, water, and earth, it’s humans that end up eating those chemicals when they eat the meat. Image Source 50% of all water used in America is wasted on animal agriculture. It takes 800 to 2500 gallons of water to produce a pound of beef, but only 25 pounds to produce a pound of wheat. It takes 4200 gallons of water per day to feed a meat eater, but only 300 gallons of water to feed a vegan. Of all agricultural land in the US, 80% is used to raise animals for food. 95% of soy in America, 80% of corn, 70% of oats, all are animal feed. 1 acre of land can yield 30,000 pounds of carrots, 40,000 pounds of potatoes, 50,000 pounds of tomatoes, or 250 pounds of meat. We would use less land and destroy less habitat if we just ate crops directly instead of feeding animals to then eat their meat. The root cause of world hunger is meat eating societies. 65% of the world’s grains are set aside every year to feed 53 billion land animals that are killed for meat. Instead, we could be using those crops, which are enough to feed 53 billion animals, to feed just 6.5 billion humans and have so much extra leftover. [The documentary Cowspiracy explains that 82% of the world’s starving children are living in countries where food is fed to livestock who then get eaten by people in wealthier countries] Burning 1 gallon of gasoline in a car release 19 pounds of CO2 into the air, but clearing enough rainforest to produce just 1 hamburger releases 165 pounds of CO2. Furthermore, cutting down rainforests destroys homes of countless animals. And unlike coniferous forests, tropical rainforests can never be replaced after being cut down. Before hearing this speech, I had no idea how big of a deal being vegan is on the environment. I sure wish I knew earlier! Health From a health perspective, humans are designed to be herbivores. Gary explains that real carnivores, like lions and wolves, have shorter intestines to push out rotting flesh faster. Also, real carnivores never get clogged arteries. The number one cause of death in human meat eaters is clogged arteries. Herbivores, including humans, have saliva that can digest carbohydrates; Carnivores do not. That’s because herbivores are supposed to eat lots of carbohydrates, such as fruit and vegetables, and humans should as well. The jaws of carnivores can only go up and down to rip and swallow meat. They don’t chew or grind with side-to-side action. The jaws of herbivores can grind side to side in order to chew. Our teeth are broad, short, blunt, and flat, just like the teeth of other herbivores. Although we do have incisors and molars, all herbivores have them because they are needed to eat hard foods like apples. After talking about how humans are designed as herbivores, he talks about the link between animal products and disease. He explains that the four big factors to cancers, diabetes, kidney disease, diabetes, osteoporosis, high blood pressure, and obesity are cholesterol, saturated fat, trans fat, and animal protein. These four things are found in meat, cheese, milk, and eggs. When you go vegan, you eliminate animal protein and cholesterol entirely from your diet and 95% of saturated fats. He then gives special attention to cheese. We see so much advertisement about how dairy gives us calcium, and calcium gives us strong bones. Then why is it that the USA, which eats the most dairy out of any country in the world, has such a big problem with osteoporosis (a disease of weak bones)? It’s because animal protein is too acidic for the body. In order to neutralize that acidity, the body has only one way: it takes away calcium phosphate from the bones. The phosphate part is used to neutralize the acidity, and the calcium part is peed out. Meat’s acidity is another reason why 1 in 3 meat eaters get cancer (aside from the obvious reasons like smoking and environmental pollution). I remember back when I was in a young kid in school, one of my teachers made a comment about how we need to appreciate life and take care of our health because 1 in 3 people will get cancer. Back then, I was thinking, "What? Cancer just happens to 33% of people? That's so scary! What if my mom gets cancer?" After hearing Gary speak, I now realize why so many people in America get cancer. Fortunately, my mother is also vegan, so I'm not too worried about her, but I am worried about the millions of meat eaters out there! A summary quote from Gary: “You’ve been duped. They’re killing you, they’re killing the animals, and they’re killing this planet.” The Good News Most people refuse to go vegan because they love the taste of meat and animal products. Near the end of his talk, he tells us the good news: When we go vegan, we don’t give up anything because now we’ve got vegan versions of meat and animal products. He says, “I love the way meat tastes. Love it. Cheese, love it. Cow’s milk and eggs, love it. Guilty as charged. I did not stop eating this stuff because of a taste issue. I stopped for ethics, morality, decency, compassion to the animals that I share this planet with. But here’s the coolest thing about being vegan in this day and age: It’s never been easier. You can have the same smell, taste and texture of meat, cheese and milk, without it. Nobody has to suffer and die for your dinner anymore, including you. They make all the products you like to eat, in a vegan version!” Image Source He then gives a long list of all the great tasting vegan food that he has eaten, such as Lightlife bacon, Tofurky, Gardenburger, Tofutti Pizza, and so much more. There’s also vegan dairy options like soy milk, rice milk, almond milk, coconut milk, and vegan ice cream. Keep in mind this lecture is from over 10 years ago; our options are even more abundant today. He assures us saying, “If you go to my website and click on ‘Veg Shopping Guide’, I have taste-tested everything for you in advance. Check out the brand names I recommend. I can assure you I eat nothing nasty.” More on Health I often hear people say that they cannot go vegan because there are essential nutrients from meat and animal products that I cannot get from plants. They don't believe those people who say that you can get all the nutrients you need from plants. My response is that the point of veganism is not purely for health. It’s for health, moral, and environmental reasons, with morality (not putting unnecessary harm on others) being the most foundational reason. Yes, you can eat animal products and be healthy because there are so many other factors to health, such as relationships, exercise, purpose, and community. However, the more important question is how much animal products can you eat to remain healthy? The problem of whether animal products are healthy or not keeps getting debated, and different people will find different scientific studies to confirm their own opinion. But the question of how much meat is not really debated any more. On the relaxed end of the spectrum, Harvard Health and the Canada Food Guide says 25% of our food calories come from healthy proteins. That can be animal proteins, but it can (and should) also include plant proteins like nuts, seeds, beans, lentils, and leafy greens. In the five Blue Zones, where people who live the longest and healthiest lives in the world, people get 95% of their calories from plants and only 5% from animal products. One of the Blue Zones, Loma Linda, is completely vegan. The other Blue Zones only eat meat 5 times a week on average, and the serving size is small—just 3 to 4 oz, which is the size of a deck of cards. In other words, from a health perspective, people should get 0% to 25% of their calories from animal proteins, and probably the closer you are to 5% or even 0%, the healthier. The final comment I’ll make is that there are totally legitimate reasons for not going vegan right away. People may not be ready right now and need to do more research. Or they have too many things going on to be thinking about adding another big change in their life. Or they don’t have control over their food and what gets put on their plate. Or they face extreme social pressures to eat meat. None of these reasons are valid for eating less animal products though. Change and improve at a rate that is comfortable to you. Maybe it’s doing “Meatless Mondays” where people eat vegan just on Mondays. Maybe it’s making one meal a day to be plant-based. People could buy plant milks to add variety to their milk chooses in the fridge. Instead of getting all protein from meat, people could substitute half of it for plant proteins and mock meat. People could simply just buy more fruits and vegetables and put them on the kitchen table to remind themselves to eat more plants. As these small, healthy changes add up over time, we can make a big difference. Conclusion I hope I've done my best in this article to promote veganism and educate you in a non-confrontational way. The choice to go vegan is mainly for moral reasons, but it also has a huge impact on environmental sustainability and world hunger. Change doesn't have to be immediate. Make small and comfortable changes; the important thing is consistent progress in the right direction.

Today marks the six year anniversary of the Weekly Wisdom Newsletter! In honour of this milestone, I want to summarize my top six articles from the past year:  A Happy World Starts With My Happy Parents Health Advice From Doctors At A Chinese Medicine Hospital How to Think About Mistakes And Failures If You're Not Improving, You're Degrading Build Permanent Self-Confidence What You Focus On, Grows I gained joy and insight by reviewing past wisdoms, and I hope you will too.   1: A Happy World Starts With My Happy Parents My goal with learning philosophy is to live a happier life, and arguably the biggest factor to a happy life is having happy relationships. Within all our relationships, arguably the most important and foundational one is our relationship with parents. Therefore, I picked this article as the most important one from my past year. It not only talks about having better relationships with parents, but also its extended effects on our health and world peace. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3   Some key messages from that article: Having parents in our lives is a joyful thing, and when we feel that joy, we'd naturally love and respect them. If we've lost that joy, then we should try to recover it. We can do that by contemplating parents' sacrifices for us and by noticing their loving intentions towards us. When we love and respect our parents, we can naturally extend that love and respect outwards towards siblings, other elders, and other people outside the family. Hence the saying, "society is like one big family". If someone treats their parents poorly but treats other people well, then they don't have true respect, they are merely treating you well because you can benefit them. Once you cannot benefit them, they won't treat you well anymore. One of the most important ways to show our love and respect towards parents is to reduce and prevent their worries. Parents most easily worry about our health, so we should take good care of our health.   2: Health Advice From Doctors At A Chinese Medicine Hospital Speaking of taking good care of our health to prevent our parents' worries, this is a major reason why I study Chinese medicine in my free time. This past year, I had the opportunity to visit my Chinese medicine doctor at her family's Chinese medicine hospital in China, and I got to experience all their various treatments and talk to many doctors there. I asked these doctors about the most common problems they see in patients and how we can prevent them. Here's a quick summary of their advice: Posture is very important for our neck and back. Practice good posture. After sitting down for a while, get up and do some quick neck and shoulder exercises. Exercise enough. Avoid having AC blow directly onto your skin, especially the neck and upper back. Eat a healthy and balanced diet suitable for your body constitution . Healthy emotions are key to a healthy body. Manage negative emotions, cultivate positive emotions, and nurture good relationships.   3: How to Think About Mistakes And Failures I think a lot of people would agree that eliminating pain is more important than gaining joy. Perhaps you might think, "I'm not asking for a super wonderful life. I'd just like a life without so much trouble and suffering."   One of the biggest pains we have is illness and physical ailments, so taking care of our health is really important, as mentioned in the second article. Another major pain is the emotional pain that comes from relationship conflicts, and the first article addresses that. A third major pain is the pain of mistakes and failures, and this third article talks about that.   I've certainly experienced that knot in my stomach after making a stupid and embarrassing mistake, and then that incident keeps popping up in my head over and over again afterwards. I've also experienced great disappointment and listlessness after a major failure. How can we reduce the negative blow of mistakes and failures? The key lies in how we think, and this article is about upgrading our way of thinking towards mistakes and failures. Specifically, it mentions: Mistakes are only mistakes if you don't learn from them. If you learn from them, they become lessons (which is fuel for your future success). Mistakes are an opportunity for growth and joy. It means you're attempting at progress, so you have the potential for the joy of growth. Failure is the mother of success. Those who are more successful than us have also failed a lot more than us. Accumulated failures (and lessons from them) are necessary for success. Fail small. Adjust fast. Do your best. Let go of the rest. Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know in the past because you couldn't have known it anyway. Mistakes and failure are normal. The important thing is how you respond to them.   4: If You're Not Improving, You're Degrading Although eliminating pain and suffering is probably most desirable, gaining joy is a close second. Besides, the two aren't mutually exclusive; they overlap. If we intentionally try to improve ourselves, we'll naturally gain joy and reduce suffering. If we don't try to improve ourselves, we'll degrade without realizing it, and then problems will arise and catch us off guard. It's kind of like building muscle or learning a language: if we don't persist in working out, our muscles will become weak, and if we don't keep practicing a language, we'll quickly regress.   There are two major areas of improvement: virtues and abilities. Virtues relate to our moral character and include qualities like kindness, respect, humility, diligence, discipline, and wisdom. Abilities are important for our work and career. Both are important, but virtues should come first. Virtues are like the foundational soil for plants. We can plant different plants (i.e., different abilities and careers) in the ground, but that soil (i.e., virtues) needs to be fertile for those plants to flourish. If we only focus on abilities and neglect virtues, then our plant simply cannot thrive. This article talks about five big obstacles towards our self-improvement: Blaming others Self-deception Ego Blind spots Aversion to discomfort   I still struggle with them, but the struggle is worth it. After all, self-improvement isn't a nice-to-have, it's a must have if we want inner joy and success in life.   5: Build Permanent Self-Confidence Global leadership expert Sheila Murray Bethel said: "Of all the communication you do, none is more important than how you talk to yourself. Your internal confidence has more to do with your success in life than any other factor."   A lot of us have negative self-talk. We doubt ourselves and our ability to achieve our goals and wants. Our self-confidence plummets in the face of mistakes, failures, or criticisms. It might increase in the face of success or praise, but deep in the back of our mind, we worry about whether or not we can maintain this success and whether we really have the ability that others think we have. I know from personal experience that doubting ourselves is extremely painful and exhausting. If we want to have stable emotions, it's of utmost importance that we build a type of self-confidence that is permanent and independent of external circumstances or how others think of us. How can we do that? This article talks about three ways: Focus on your innate potential. If it's humanly possible, you can do it too. Retrain your thoughts. For example, change "I can't. I'm a failure." to "I can do anything so long as I am patient and persist. I'm not a failure, I'm a learner on a learning journey." Re-select your values. Don't value things that we cannot control, such as wealth, status, intelligence, beauty, success, and other's opinions. Instead, value things that are fully in our control, such as our self-improvement and kindness.   6: What You Focus On, Grows It seems like we all have this tendency to notice other people's faults and problems, and we can't help but focus on them, but we have trouble noticing other people's good points. The problem with that is, what we focus on, grows. When we focus on other people's faults, we will have negative energy, and then we easily blame and criticize them, which makes them defensive and unwilling to change for us. It's a negative spiral. If we can instead focus on their good points, and this takes conscious training, then we'd have positive energy. When we praise them for their good points, they will naturally feel motivated to grow those good qualities.   For example, if we want our partner to do more chores, we shouldn't criticize them for not doing enough chores. We also shouldn't take it for granted that they should do the chores, as if it's something they "should" do and thus doesn't require appreciation. Entitlement is also negative energy, and people are repelled by it. If we want them to do more chores, we should focus on all the times they did do the chores and sincerely thank them and let them know it means a lot to us. Then they'll feel motivated to do more for us. From this one example, we can infer other examples and relate to our own situations.   Conclusion As I looked through the previous articles from this past year, I see two major focus points. One is improving relationships, especially towards parents first. The second is strengthening self-confidence. I am still working on both, and I hope my experience can be helpful to others. Thank you to all readers for your support, and let's all have an even better year to come! Weekly Wisdom #312

Are you afraid of making mistakes and failing? Does the fear of mistakes and failure make you nervous before you do something? Do you feel a pit in your stomach when you make a mistake or fail? Afterwards, do you keep replaying past mistakes and failures in your head and criticize yourself for them? Icon Sources: 1 , 2   There are many things we cannot avoid in life, and mistakes (less serious) and failures (more serious) are two of them. Given this fact, do we have an effective way of thinking towards mistakes and failures? In the past, I didn't, so I answered "yes" to all the questions above. After learning ancient philosophy, I've developed a more effective way of thinking towards mistakes and failures, and although I'm not completely invincible against the discomfort of mistakes or the pain of failure, I'm much better than before.   Below are 7 important teachings that greatly helped me. For the sake of brevity, I will just use the term "mistake" or "failure" rather than "mistakes and failures", as both are mutually encompassing.   1: Mistakes are only mistakes if you don't learn from them. Motivational speaker Jay Shetty said, "Failures are only failures if you don't learn from them because if you learn from them, they become lessons."   If we think, " Today I made a mistake… ", we'll feel bad. But if we think, " Today I learned something that will help me in the future ", we'll feel good. How we think determines how we feel . So after we make a mistake, we need to reflect on why we made this mistake and how to prevent the same kind of mistake in the future. Once we have confidence that we can do better in the future, we'll feel better.   In my experience, it's best to do this reflection sooner rather than later, before our memory fades. By doing this, we can more easily let go of that mistake and not keep thinking about it. If that mistake pops up in our mind again in the future, we can tell ourselves, "I've already reflected on it and learned from it. I don't need to keep blaming myself for it."   2: Mistakes are an opportunity for growth and joy. As the previous point mentioned, all mistakes hold lessons within them that we need to dig out. Moreover, learning and growing is a joyful thing. As Socrates said, "Just as one person delights in improving his farm, and another his horse, so I delight in attending to my own improvement day by day."   It's not just Socrates who enjoys self-improvement; it's human nature to delight in one's own growth. If we're not making mistakes, then chances are, we aren't challenging ourselves, which also means we aren't growing, and we'll be missing out on the joy of growth. If we've gone a long time without any improvement, we'll feel like we're stagnating. So making mistakes is a good sign: it means we have opportunities for the joy of growth. In my daily journal, if I made a certain mistake one day, and then another day I consciously corrected that mistake, I feel good. Then I try to maintain that good behavior. No one's improvement is a smooth upwards line; usually it's full of ups and downs, but as long as we consciously persist, the long-term trend will be upwards, and once we've maintained improvement for a worthy amount of time, we'll be very satisfied with our growth.   3: Failure is the mother of success. I once heard a story about Thomas Edison, the inventor of the light bulb who failed thousands of times before he finally succeeded. One time, a young reporter asked him, “Mr. Edison, how does it feel to have failed 10,000 times in your present venture?”  Edison replied, “Young man, I will give you a thought that should benefit you in the future. I have not failed anything 10,000 times. I have successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.”   If we want to do anything worthwhile in life, it's not going to be all smooth-sailing. There will definitely be bumps and hurdles along the way, and yes, that means mistakes and failures. But it's precisely thanks to these mistakes, or more accurately, the lessons that we gain from these mistakes, that enable us to finally succeed in the future. In a sense, people need to accumulate failures AND lessons to attain success (if we simply accumulate failures without any learnings, then we'll just keep failing in the future). Oftentimes, we look at successful people and only see their success, but what we fail to see is the great amount of failures they've accumulated beforehand. In other words, successful people aren't just more successful than normal people, they've also failed a lot more than normal people. When we realize this, not only will we not be so afraid of making mistakes, we might even feel like we aren't making enough! Of course, the point isn't to make mistakes on purpose, but rather to challenge ourselves towards a worthy goal and continuously learn along the way (which is a joyful thing).   4: Fail small. Adjust fast. When planning, we should predict things that might go wrong and make contingency plans for them. But no matter how diligently we plan, we can't predict the future, and there will probably be unexpected challenges. Hence, there's a saying that goes, "No plan survives first encounter with reality."   If we are aware of this, then not only will we not be surprised in the face of mistakes and unexpected problems, we'll be expecting it. We can also learn to fail small and adjust fast. For example, if I am writing a report to my professor, I can send an outline to my professor first to get feedback and quickly learn my mistakes. Then I can adjust and send another plan to my professor. This is less risky than doing the whole report by myself and submitting it without my professor's review beforehand.   To give another example, if I need to make tea for some guests, and I don't have much experience making tea, I should taste test the tea myself, adjust the flavor until I like it, and ask someone else to taste test it too (ideally someone who is knowledgeable on tea). I'm not going to get the taste perfect on the first try. I need to fail small and adjust fast. This is even more important if your decisions or actions will impact others.   5: Do your best, and let go of the rest. I've seen some people who get nervous extremely easily, and it's because they are too worried about making mistakes. That limits their potential and growth. If we are overly worried about making mistakes, it's usually because we are focusing too much on the result or what others think. The thing is, the result and what others think are both out of our control. Worrying doesn't help; in fact, it probably makes us perform worse.   There's a great teaching from the Serenity Prayer (feel free to skip the first word): "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."   Of course, not worrying is easier said than done. But rather than continue to worry in our heads, we should channel that energy into productive action, and that means working on the things we can control. For example, if I have a presentation coming up, rather than worrying that I'll mess up (which I can't control), I should focus my attention and energy on practicing (which I can control). Then on the actual day, before my presentation, I tell myself, "I've already done my best given my circumstances. Whatever happens, happens." If I do make a mistake, which is very likely, I won't be upset because I know I've done my best at what I can control.   If I worry that others will laugh at me for my mistake, then I tell myself things like: "Caring too much about what others think is a main cause of suffering. This is a test for me to practice letting go of ego." "The people who matter won't judge me, and the people who judge me don't matter." "Don't care about the opinions of normal people. Care about the opinions of wise and virtuous people." Daniel Amen's 18/40/60 Rule: When you're 18, you worry about what everybody is thinking of you; when you're 40, you don't give a darn what anybody thinks of you; when you're 60, you realize nobody's been thinking about you at all.   6: Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know in the past. If we still beat ourselves up for past mistakes, it's important to practice self-compassion. No one is perfect. If your best friend made that mistake, would you keep criticizing them over and over afterwards? Of course not. We'd tell them, "It's OK. Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know at the time because you couldn't have known back then." We should do the same for ourselves. 7: Mistakes are normal and inevitable. The important thing is how you respond to them. Again, no one is perfect. So don't beat yourself up for making a mistake. Don't lose faith in yourself if you've failed. It's totally normal.   Given that mistakes are inevitable in life, the important thing is how we respond to mistakes. Can we maintain our calm and peace? The great Stoic philosopher Seneca said, "To bear trials with a calm mind robs misfortune of its strength and burden."   Thus, mistakes are an opportunity for us to cultivate our mind. The mind is our most important asset. Anything and everything we do requires us to use our mind, so strengthening our mind's calm and concentration is one of the best things we can do for ourselves. Usually, after making a mistake or learning that they failed, people become startled and flustered. This weakens the mind, and this is precisely what we need to change. After making a mistake, we need to remember to keep calm. For example, recently, I was trying to carry five porcelain cups on one tray, and I was uncareful, and a porcelain lid fell to the ground and shattered. Instead of getting flustered and upset, I immediately told myself, "Stay calm and slow down."  I then asked a person beside me to help clean up the mess, and to do so carefully. I also asked other people to help carry the remaining cups to the other room. I'm not always able to remain calm right after a mistake, but this time, I was able to, and I'm happy about my growth. Of course, afterwards, I reflected in my journal about why I made that mistake (too impatient and greedy for quick results) so that I can prevent similar mistakes next time.   I've also seen other people mess up in a presentation, and they simply smile and say, "Oops, sorry, I said that wrong. I meant to say… Thanks for your encouraging smiles."  Even though they made a mistake, they didn't get noticeably flustered or embarrassed, so the audience members didn't feel embarrassed either. Their mistakes helped them to improve rather than regress, and that's delightful.   Conclusion What is your default reaction to mistakes and failures? How would you like to change it? Weekly Wisdom #303

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in Canada, so in honour of that, this article is about gratitude. On a previous Thanksgiving, I wrote about five things  we can be grateful for in our daily lives, which are our parents , teachers, country, all workers in society, and Mother Nature. This year's article is going to be a bit more advanced. It's about elevating our gratitude.   Image Source: Unsplash A couple years ago, I saw this quote from Venerable Jing Kong: "Living in a world of gratitude: Be grateful to those who've hurt you because they strengthened your will. Be grateful to those who've lied to you because they increased your insight. Be grateful to those who've mistreated you because they eliminated your negative karma. Be grateful to those who've abandoned you because they taught you to become self-sufficient. Be grateful to those who've impeded you because they elevated your ability. Be grateful to those who've reprimanded you because they grew your emotional stability and wisdom. Be grateful to all those who've made you determined to succeed." This quote is from the book The Exemplary Role Modeling of Venerable Jing Kong , and in that book, one of his students said that Venerable Jing Kong wrote this quote after basically being stabbed in the back and treated really unjustly. This quote is a reflection of his attitude and moral cultivation: he was able to write those words because those things really happened to him, and that's how he truly feels about those people.   When I first read this quote, I thought to myself, "Woah there. OK. That's pretty intense. That is really advanced gratitude. If those things happened to me and people treated me like that, I'd definitely be upset and angry."  Although I really respected Venerable Jing Kong, I felt his level was way too high for me.   Later, I read this quote from Stoic philosopher Epictetus: "Who then is invincible? The one who cannot be upset by anything outside their reasoned choice."   It reminded me of Venerable Jing Kong. Despite encountering people who've mistreated him, impeded him, criticized him unfairly, lied to him, etc. He didn't get upset at them. Instead, he strengthened his virtues and elevated his ability and wisdom, which is why he is thankful to them. Isn't that what Epictetus means by being "invincible"?   Suddenly, I felt a desire to emulate Venerable Jing Kong. I want to be invincible like that too. But how can I achieve that goal? Both Stoicism and Buddhism teach us to focus on what we can control, which is ourselves, and let go of the rest, which is other people and our environment. If we demand others to be or not be a certain way, we will get upset and suffer. If we let go of demands towards others and instead demand ourselves to be adaptable, to make the best use of every situation, then we become "invincible" as Epictetus says. I can understand this in theory, but the hard part is the actual practice. It's kind of like learning a sport. I can understand the rules in theory, but when I actually go and practice it, I trip and fall and make lots of mistakes. But each time I fall, I have to get back up and keep practicing because I want the reward. I don't want to be a slave to my emotions, especially to anger. I want the feeling of freedom and serenity that comes with being my own master. I want the joy of having good relationships and wisdom. Thus, I've been cultivating my virtues these past few years. About a week ago, I was reading a lecture from Venerable Jing Kong, and he said, "Being indignant towards others is one of the most severe obstacles to enlightenment. The enlightened mind is the mind of equality [equal respect towards all]. Many people have asked me about this problem. My advice: you know how you prostrate [bow down] to the Buddha every day as an expression of respect? Think of the person whom you cannot stand the most. Put that person's picture or name on the table beside the Buddha figure, then prostrate to that person every day. The goal is to change your mentality from detest to respect…Do this until you do not get upset at the sight of that person, but instead feel respect, then you'll have succeeded. This will have tremendous benefits for you."   I thought to myself, "This totally echoes what Epictetus said about being invincible. Indeed, why should I let others make me feel upset? I alone am responsible for my feelings, so I need to master them. I am willing to try out this method. I don't really have anyone that I can't stand or detest, but there are certainly lots of people that have made me feel upset or annoyed. I can try prostrating to them every day and see if anything changes in me." My Practice Thus, every day this past week, I spent around five to ten minutes thinking about people who've made me upset or annoyed, and I prostrated to them one-by-one. (How to Prostrate. Image Source. ) (Note: If this action feels too strange for you, then simply speaking words of appreciation and respect to their image in our mind works too.) When I bow down, I also say thank you to them because gratitude helps to bring out feelings of respect towards them. This is also emulating the spirit of Venerable Jing Kong. Below are the things I've said during this process.   1: Impolite People Thank you to impolite people because you let me realize how strongly I demand others to have politeness. It is precisely this demand towards others that is the cause of my suffering, and I need to let go of this demand to attain serenity. At the same time, I should demand myself to be more understanding towards others. They might not have negative intentions. They probably think their behavior is normal. No one does things that they think are wrong or stupid. So I shouldn't get so upset and think that they are being rude on purpose. If I want others to improve, then I need to set a good example myself first.   2: People Who Don't Keep Their Word Thank you to those who didn't keep their word to me. For example, I was really upset at a past boss for going back on his word. I only accepted his contract based on the agreed on conditions, but he later changed his demands, and I unhappily complied. Looking back, I now see that I didn't need to get so upset. Getting that upset doesn't help the situation. Getting upset only makes me suffer and reduces my ability to find an effective solution. Why didn't I just remain calm and view the other person as a friend who'd be willing to help me if I communicate my situation and difficulties? That would have been much more effective than viewing them as an enemy.   The root of my anger is my demands towards others. I demand others to keep their word. But who actually keeps their word 100% of the time? Pretty much nobody, myself included. So don't be so demanding towards others! Being demanding towards yourself instead. Being more understanding towards others. That boss has his difficulties and considerations too. He is a rational human being with feelings, and if I communicate respectfully and sincerely, he would respond positively.   3: People Who Criticize Before Understanding Thank you to those who've criticized me without understanding me first. You helped me realize how much I absolutely hate being wrongfully criticized. It is precisely my desire to not be unfairly criticized by others, which is outside of my control, that brings me so much suffering. If I let go of this desire, and instead focus on having a peaceful conscience (which is in my control), then my emotional stability and serenity would leap to new levels.   After all, it's extremely common for people to jump to conclusions. I've done it too. So I shouldn't be so surprised or upset when others do it to me. Moreover, people have trouble understanding themselves. If they can't even understand themselves, how can they possibly understand me? Furthermore, most people have lots of worries and stress nowadays. Thus, when they encounter obstacles in life, they might over-react. If I get caught in their collateral damage (venting anger on me), I don't need to react so strongly. I can be more understanding towards their suffering and not blame them, but instead try to help ease their stress. Finally, if I want others to practice empathy and patiently try to understand me, I have to role model that to them first. Otherwise, they won't know how to do it, nor would they have the motivation to do it.   4: People With Sensitive Egos Thank you to those with a really sensitive ego who've criticized me for being arrogant. Thanks to you, I improved my sensitivity to others feelings. If it weren't for you, I would continue to unintentionally offend others and create enemies without even knowing it. I also learned the importance of humility, which has been very beneficial for my relationships and self-improvement. 5: People Who Delay My Time Thank you to those who've delayed my time because you taught me the importance of leaving cushion time and having backup plans. In our current society, it's common for people to be late to meetings, to go overtime in meetings, or to talk in a long-winded manner. I should know this and plan accordingly rather than get annoyed. The root of my annoyance is my demand, not their actual behavior. I am not able to be punctual all the time either, so I certainly shouldn't demand it from others. Results Over the past week, I've had noticeable results. But since I've been cultivating my virtues and character for a few years now, I can't say these results are solely from the practice of bowing down to those people that have upset me, but I can say that this practice made me feel more respect to those people, and now when I encounter those types of people, I am more conscious of my goal to not be influenced by them.   Example 1: Rude Drivers One time I was jogging in my neighbourhood, and as I was crossing a street, a car rushed to turn into that street right in front of me. According to traffic laws, that driver should have waited for me to finish crossing the street, but he didn't. Another time, I was driving on the main road, and a driver on a side road turned into my lane when he should have waited for me to pass first, causing me to have to hit my brakes.   In the past, I would've criticized those drivers for being rude and dangerous. But this time, I told myself,  "I literally just bowed down to impolite people this morning to express my gratitude. I'm not going to let others' bad behavior take away my peace of mind. What others do is their matter. How I feel is my matter. I'm just going to assume they had an emergency and were really in a rush."   Example 2: Unfair Criticism Another time, I was wrongfully criticized in class by a teacher. While I was listening to the teacher, I actually felt a bit confused because what he said wasn't true. But I thought to myself, "Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe what he said is true. I'll just accept his criticism right now and then check after class. I'm not going to explain myself immediately because I don't want to discourage him from giving me advice in the future." Interestingly, after my teacher finished criticizing, my classmate stood up for me and said I didn't make that mistake, that the teacher must have misunderstood. But even if my classmate didn't stand up for me, I wouldn't have felt unhappy.   Just yesterday, I felt unfairly criticized by my mom. Basically, she agreed to go to a new restaurant with my grandpa and I for a Thanksgiving meal. My mom is really sensitive to MSG and gets very thirsty if the restaurant's food has MSG. I knew we were taking a risk, but my grandpa wanted to try this new restaurant, and my mom agreed, so I felt like she wouldn't complain if she gets thirsty. What happened? Afterwards, she indeed got really thirsty, and she complained about me and my grandpa for always wanting her to accompany them to new restaurants.   In the past, I would've complained back and said, "But you agreed to this beforehand! It's not fair that you blame us afterwards."   But that time, I told myself, " She is complaining because she is suffering from the discomfort of being really thirsty and having to drink so much water nonstop. I shouldn't demand others to be understanding and reasonable towards me, let alone someone who is suffering from discomfort. If I argue back, then I'm just adding fuel to her fire. When she complains and criticizes unfairly, she is the one in need of care and understanding."   Thus, I said to her, "I'm sorry. We didn't mean to pressure you, and we certainly don't want to make you so thirsty afterwards. Although we didn't intend it, it happened, and for that, I'm sorry."   She immediately softened up and replied, "Never mind. It's also my fault for eating so much of it. It was really tasty, but I should be more careful to not eat so much if I am worried about getting thirsty afterwards."   Example 3: Not Abiding By Time Agreements One day I had an evening class that should be from 9PM to 10PM. That day, a classmate was presenting, and afterwards, everyone gave the presenter feedback. This classmate should have finished his presentation by 9:30, but he didn't finish until 9:45. Then people started giving feedback. Most people were conscious of the time and gave short feedback, but one classmate was really long-winded. He also raised his hand multiple times to add more to what he said in the past. The presenter also didn't seem to care about going overtime, and he kept letting everyone share their thoughts despite the class time already being over. We didn't finish class until 10:20.   In the past, I would've gotten annoyed because I was tired and wanted to sleep. But I endured my sleepiness and tried to be understanding. My classmates are all in Asia, and they are having an interesting discussion, so going overtime feels worth it to them. When I understood this, I felt happy for their enjoyable discussion together rather than demanding them to abide by time agreements. I also had a few calls with different friends this past week, and two of them were late. When I messaged them at the pre-agreed upon time, they didn't reply. At this point, I told myself, "It's common for people to be busy and lose track of time. People also don't learn about etiquette nowadays, so I shouldn't expect them to message me beforehand that they might be late or apologize for being late."   When one friend replied me, she indeed did not apologize for being late. But I didn't get annoyed or blame her in my mind. The other friend actually asked me if I could call one hour later because something came up at the last minute. Again, I told myself to not get annoyed by other people's behavior because only I am in charge of my feelings. Besides, she doesn't want to delay me either, but no one can control random emergencies. I told her yes. An hour later, I decided to wait for her to message me first. She didn't message me for another 15 minutes. The whole time, I remained calm and just did other work while waiting.   Conclusion We all want to have stable emotions and happiness in life. Getting upset at others is one of the biggest obstacles to this goal. We have to realize that what others do is their matter, but how we feel is our matter. We ought to stop blaming others and outside circumstances for making us feel unhappy. Instead, we need to take responsibility for our feelings and seek to master them. This power is in our hands.   A great way to do this is to view those people whom we dislike as teachers. How so? Because they help us to see our demands towards others and the world, and it is precisely those demands within us that make us unhappy. Once we see those demands and how unreasonable or unpractical they are, we can practice letting go. Bowing down or prostrating to those people is one way to cure our feelings of anger or annoyance towards others (this article features other ways). By bowing down to them, we are showing our respect and gratitude, and this action repeated over time will help us to truly feel that way towards them. If this action feels too strange for you, then simply speaking words of appreciation and respect to their image (in real life or in our mind) or name works too.   With time and practice, we too can feel like we're living in a world of gratitude, and we'll naturally let go of demands towards the people whom we used to get upset at. When this happens, we'll feel a sense of liberation, like a rope has been untied from our mind, or a weight has been lifted from our heart. We'll attain a serene, stable feeling of ease and happiness, and we won't get upset so easily at similar situations in the future. Is this not a goal worth striving for? Weekly Wisdom #311

I've been a follower of happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin for many years, and her teachings on habit change  and personality have been very impactful on me. She really practices her teachings, and recently, she and her husband Jamie had their 30th wedding anniversary. In honor of this special occasion, she shared 30 reflections on her marriage. We all want to have happy relationships, so we should learn from successful people like her. Hence, I tried to analyze these 30 reflections to see if there's a pattern to them. The result? Yes! And it totally accords with all the ancient philosophical teachings I've been learning.   To quote her article : "Here are 30 observations, insights, memories, and reminders I give myself: I should go to bed angry. Don’t expect Jamie to do anything like a “happiness project.” That’s not his style, and that’s fine. Don’t underestimate the importance of the fact that we both like to get to the airport early. Grab his hand, put my arm around him, give him a hug; Jamie’s love language is “Physical Touch.” Face the fact that he’s not going to answer a lot of my texts and emails. Recognize that he’s like this with everyone, it’s not just me. Celebrate the anniversary of January 9, 2015, as the happiest day of my life—the day when Jamie was declared “cured” of the hepatitis C he got from a blood transfusion when he was eight years old. Recognize my tendency to blame Jamie when things go wrong, even when it’s not his fault. Remember that time when a nurse asked us if we were newlyweds, when in fact we’d been married for more than a decade and had two children. When I get mad about something Jamie does or doesn’t do, make the positive argument–usually, it holds. “Jamie never helps us get ready for travel” “Jamie always helps us get ready for travel.” Give Jamie a kiss every morning and every evening. Whenever possible, when making a complaint or criticism, lighten up. Using a humorous tone, an inside joke, or a callback lets me make my point, but nicely. Use written notes to give reminders to Jamie, instead of talking. Remember that Jamie is one of those Questioners who doesn’t like to answer questions. Yes, I see the irony. Every time Jamie comes and goes from the apartment, get up out of my seat to say hello or good-bye. Whenever possible, text him with funny photos or interesting news. Remember the time Jamie woke me up to see the sunrise. Jamie is really good at giving thoughtful gifts, which shows that he pays close attention to the interests and desires of the people around him. Tell him how much I admire his dedication to civic matters. Tell him how much I appreciate his love for going to the grocery store. Tell him how much I appreciate the fact that he has an encyclopedic memory for faces, names, and facts about people, as well as his surprising knowledge about a wide variety of subjects. Sometimes I get hopping mad when Jamie doesn’t “cc” me on an email or fails to give me important information—e.g., he’s committed both of us to attending an event. Remember: That’s the guy I married! Nobody’s perfect. When our daughters were little, when they were asleep, Jamie would sometimes say, “Let’s gaze lovingly,” and we’d stand together in the hallway and gaze at them through the half-opened door. It’s a beautiful memory. He worries about the people he loves; give him reassurances when he needs them, even when I find it tiring. Appreciate the fact that we both get along very well with each other’s parents. Remember that even when he doesn’t respond to some remark I’ve made, he’s listening; he’ll often act on something I’ve said without comment. (I used to assume he wasn’t paying attention because he wasn’t replying.) Jamie rarely praises me, and he rarely criticizes me. Jamie never complains about the fact that I have such a dislike of driving, even though it means that he’s stuck doing all the driving. Jamie’s great about planning adventures, buying tickets to shows, finding restaurants in interesting neighborhoods, discovering new TV shows and podcasts, and so on, and this is one way he makes our lives richer and happier. In general, and particularly as a father, Jamie worries about things that don’t worry me, and he’s not anxious about things that make me anxious—so we’re a good balance. (Some things, we both worry about!) As a Questioner, Jamie won’t do something unless he thinks it makes sense. When sometimes this behavior annoys me, I remind myself how helpful this attitude often is."   Before I share my analysis, why don't you take a moment to analyze and categorize these observations? After all, there isn't one correct answer, and doing your own analysis might lead to your own eureka moments. My Analysis From these 30 reflections, I summarized four main principles for good relationships. In order of frequency, they are Focus on others' good points and contributions: #3, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 22, 23, 24, 27, 28, 29 (12 instances; 40%). Understand, tolerate, and respect other people's differences: #2, 5, 13, 21, 25, 26, 30 (7 instances; 23%). Focus on your own faults, not theirs: #7, 9, 11, 12 (4 instances; 13%). Focus on giving more: #4, 10, 14, 15 (4 instances; 13%).   These four principles all align with ancient philosophical relationship advice. For example, Stoic Emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself." Similarly, The Analects of Confucius  said, "The Way of Confucius is simply devotion and reciprocity." (Original text: 夫子之道, 忠恕而已矣. Translation: Self.)   Devotion is about giving one's best and being strict with oneself, while reciprocity is treating others the way we'd want to be treated, such as with appreciation, understanding, and respect.   Also, out of these 30 reflections, one of them is arguably the MOST important. Do you know which one I'm thinking of? I'll talk it about it a bit later.   While the above four principles may look like separate things, they are actually an interconnected whole. The common thread between them, the root of these four things, is…our attitude. We can divide attitude into two aspects: towards ourselves and towards others. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 1: Attitude Towards Ourselves Towards ourselves, we should be strict and demanding. We should focus on our own faults and demand ourselves to improve, not them. We should ask ourselves to give more to the other person, not the other way around. After all, nobody likes people who always demand us to change when they themselves also have faults and aren't working to change them. On the other hand, if others are working hard to fix their faults, yet they don't demand us, we'd naturally feel like we should work on ourselves too.   This doesn't mean we don't ask others to improve on their faults. Rather, it just means that we don't complain and criticize about their faults. If we ask them to change, we do so respectfully and with their best intentions in mind. If they don't respond positively to our request, then we need to reflect on ourselves: Have I role modelled that good behavior? Or do I have the same fault? Have I fully understood their point of view and why they do what they do? If so, I shouldn't have any annoyance. Have I shown them how to do it? Do I ask them in a respectful manner? Or in an annoyed, demanding manner? Am I patient with them? Or do I demand big results immediately?   2: Attitude Towards Others Towards others, we should focus on Noticing, remembering, and being grateful for their contributions Noticing and appreciating their good points Understanding, tolerating, and respecting their differences   Gratitude towards the other person is arguably the most important ingredient to a long-lasting happy relationship, so it's extremely important that we strengthen our gratitude muscle by noticing and remembering other people's contributions and good points.   Nobody is perfect, and everyone will do things that annoy or upset us sooner or later. If we focus on others' faults, we'll bring negative energy to the relationship, and that will bring out defensiveness and opposition from the other person. But if we focus on their contributions, on what they've given and sacrificed for us, on how much they care about us, we'll feel gratitude towards them, and we'd naturally bring positive energy to the relationship and want to give back to them. That would attract positive energy back from them. Moreover, we'd be willing to tolerate their bad habits and differences because those are outweighed by their contributions.   We should also strengthen our ability to notice their good points. When we do notice them, we'll naturally appreciate and respect them more, and we'd be more willing to tolerate their faults. As Rubin explains, everyone has different personalities, and each personality comes with its own sets of strengths and weaknesses. So when we get annoyed by one of their weaknesses, we ought to remind ourselves of those accompanying strengths that we appreciate.   3: The Most Important Observation Out of Rubin's 30 observations, the one that I'd argue to be most important is… #24: "Appreciate the fact that we both get along very well with each other’s parents."   Why? Because Confucius taught that filial piety (being loving and respectful towards parents) is the root of all virtues. In the Classic of Filial Piety , Confucius said, "To not love one’s parents yet love others violates morality. To not respect one's parents yet respect others violates propriety." (Original text: 不愛其親而愛他人者謂之悖德，不敬其親而敬他人者謂之悖禮. Translation: Self.)   If a person cannot be loving and respectful towards one's own parents, whom they should be most grateful towards, then how can they be truly loving and respectful towards other people (who have given them less)? Moreover, someone who is very filial towards their own parents would naturally be filial towards their parents-in-law, resulting in a harmonious relationship with them.   Most people try to put on a good image in front of others because if others have a bad impression of us, they won't treat us as well. But our parents know us from birth, and regardless of our bad habits, they still love us. Hence, most people don't feel the need to put on a good image in front of parents, so we are our true selves towards them. So if we want to gauge a person's moral character, a great way is to observe how they treat their parents.   Like attracts like, so if we are struggling to find a filial partner, that might be because we ourselves are lacking filial piety. Even if we do find a filial person, if we ourselves are not very filial, they probably won't be attracted to us. Thus, it's extremely important that we role model the type of person we want to attract.   Conclusion One of my favorite quotes from Rubin is this one: "Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships."   I really admire her for not only sharing teachings on happiness and relationships, but also walking the talk. Congratulations Rubin on such a wonderful milestone, and thank you for your teachings and role modeling! Weekly Wisdom #310

Previously, I wrote an article about wise principles for great decisions , the first of which is this quote from Liao Fan's Four Lessons : "Do not just consider the present action, but also consider its side effects. Do not just consider immediate effects, but also consider the long-term effects. Do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole."   Recently, I had some experiences that gave me a deeper understanding into the third part, "do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole."  To paraphrase this principle, I would say, "Do not just look at matters from just your own perspective. Look at matters from every implicated person's perspective."   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Why is this wise? Because if we accidently neglect someone's perspective, we might accidently hurt their feelings or trouble them. As a result, they will be unhappy towards us and even seek to get even with us in the future. On the other hand, if we are always sensitive to every person's needs, they will be touched by our kindness, and they will naturally want to support and help us. Such is karma. Below are some examples.   Example 1: Seeing Off Guests One time, the top leader in our organization came to visit. Everyone really admires this leader and looked forward to his visit for a long time. When the leader left, everyone went to the basement parking lot to see off the leader. In the car, there was the driver and a mid-level manager accompanying the leader. The leader and the driver entered the car on the left side, while the manager entered on the right. I noticed that almost everyone was standing on the right side waving goodbye to the leader. On the left side was only one person: my mentor. He was waving goodbye to the mid-level manager on the left side. I quickly walked over and accompanied him on the right side.   From that incident, I gained a lot of admiration for my mentor. He doesn't just preach philosophy, he really role models it. He didn't want anyone to feel left out, neglected, or unappreciated. Most people only thought of things from their own perspective: "My top leader, whom I admire and respect very much, is leaving, so of course I need to wave goodbye to him."  There isn't anything wrong with this intention per se, but it can be elevated and broadened.   My mentor was probably thinking, "Wow, if I were the manager on the right side, I'd feel pretty neglected. And if I were the top leader, I'd feel a bit sorry and awkward that all my staff members neglected him."   I'm sure my mentor's actions would let that manager feel quite touched and let the top leader feel gratified. He already sowed good karmic seeds, and when the conditions are ripe in the future, those people will repay his kindness.   Example 2: Skit Rehearsal Another time, my classmates and I were practicing a skit for the closing ceremony of our one-month long workshop. It was already late at night, and many of us were tired. When my mentor walked into the room, he noticed that some people were rehearsing, while a few others were just sitting around.   He asked the skit director, "Do you still need everyone here to rehearse?"   The director said, "I still need most people, but Bob is done."   My mentor asked Bob, "How long have you been sitting there?"   Bob said, "Maybe 20 minutes."   My mentor said to the director, "If Bob is done, then you should've let Bob go rest a long time ago. It's already late at night, and we all need enough rest so that we're not tired in class. Everyone, but especially the director, should be paying attention to every person's needs. If you are inconsiderate towards others, others will be inconsiderate to you too. If you don't respect other people's time, other people won't respect your time either. We learned about philosophy in class, but that's just knowledge. We need to practice it in our daily matters."   After hearing my mentor's words, I realized that I'm still too used to just thinking about things from my own perspective, and I haven't cultivated the habit of empathy enough yet.   Example 3: Advising A Senior Colleague My mentor leads a group of students to study ancient Chinese philosophy, and we discuss how to apply these teachings into our lives to have harmonious relationships, especially in the family. Currently, there are three main teachers (including me), and it's very important for teachers to be good role models for other students. Recently, another, more senior teacher wrote a report to my mentor detailing some of his family troubles and asked for advice. My mentor told him to ask me first.   I was actually quite shocked because I know this teacher has a sensitive ego, and he might not be willing to accept advice from a more junior colleague like me. I thought about why my mentor would do this, and I think it's because he suddenly got called to go on a business trip, so he is really, really busy, and perhaps he wants that teacher to chat with me first in the meantime, and if we still have further questions, we can ask him.   Another reason is perhaps because this colleague's family troubles have been ongoing for a while, and my mentor has already given advice multiple times in the past, but that colleague hasn't practiced them enough. Since I am aware of all of this, I do have some credentials to offer advice. My mentor knows that any advice I give would be aligned with my mentor's teachings, so perhaps if this senior teacher sees a more junior teacher giving him advice that he already knows but hasn't practiced enough, he might feel embarrassed and have more motivation to correct his faults.   So although I didn't really want to give this senior teacher advice at first, after I thought of things from my mentor's perspective, I decided to try my best. I also thought of things from my colleague's perspective, and I know I need to be very humble and respectful in my advice giving.   After I wrote my reply, I asked my mentor to check it before I send it. After all, I don't want to accidentally say something incorrect or impolite, but we all have our blind spots, so it's very important to get a capable person to check our work. My mentor said, "It's great. You can send it to him. And if he is willing, he can send it to our study group chat."   When I heard this, I felt a bit uneasy. I put myself in my senior colleague's shoes: "It's already a bit embarrassing that this junior colleague is giving me advice. Now I have to let others know?"   But I also tried to think of things from my mentor's perspective. Then I remembered that in our study group, there are some students with similar struggles as this senior teacher, so some of the advice in my reply would indeed be helpful. Moreover, this advice is not targeted directly at those other students, so their ego won't be hurt. I then thought about whether there's a way to help those classmates without hurting this senior teacher's ego.   I asked my mentor, "If I ask him to share this advice in our group chat, can I anonymize myself in the reply? This way, people don't think that this junior teacher is better than that senior teacher. I really don't think I am better. I have similar problems too. It's easy to give advice. Actually doing it is much much harder."   Before I sent that message, I contemplated that perhaps I am being overly cautious. But I still felt that it's better to be cautious and ask rather than risk unintentionally creating resentment. Moreover, in my reply letter, I literally quoted Liao Fan's Four Lessons  about " don't let your goodness make others look bad ", so I need to practice what I preach!   My mentor took a couple days to reply, perhaps because he's really busy on his business trip, and maybe because he was thinking carefully about my question too. Then he replied, "It's fine. No need to anonymize."   My mentor always teaches us to learn not just what sages do, but why they do it. Since my mentor didn't explain his reasoning, I have to take initiative to ask. I then messaged him, "I thought about why you decided that there's no need to anonymize. Is it because if I anonymize my name, other people would wonder who wrote it? And it's quite obvious that  I wrote it because only I would write such long replies, and the Chinese grammar is a bit like a foreigner's grammar. So it's a bit pointless to anonymize my name. Furthermore, people might think, 'Why did they anonymize his name? Is it because this senior teacher's ego is too sensitive?'  If others think that, it would be harmful to the senior teacher. Even if he is a bit uncomfortable with it, it's a good chance for him to practice humility, and it shows that we believe he is a humble person. Moreover, sharing this report with other classmates can give him more motivation to correct his faults. I wonder if my understanding is accurate?"   My mentor replied a thumbs up to me. From this whole experience, I gained a deeper understanding of "do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole."  If I just think from the perspective of myself and the senior teacher, I would anonymize my name. But my mentor also thought about everyone in the entire study group.   My mentor also thought deeper about my senior colleague's feelings than I did. By anonymizing my name, not only is it ineffective, but I am also indirectly telling the senior colleague that I believe he has a big ego. By not anonymizing my name, I am communicating that I think he is a humble person who is willing to share useful advice with those who need it. Philosophical teachings sound simple when we hear them, but actually using them can turn out to be much more nuanced than we initially thought.   Concluding Thoughts When you are with others, are you living in your own world and thinking just from your own perspective? Or do we practice empathy and think what they might be thinking? When dealing with problems and matters, do we just think from our own perspective? Or just a few people's perspectives? Or the perspectives of every implicated person? When thinking from other people's perspectives, do we do so in a quick and shallow way? Or do we patiently ponder and think deeply? Weekly Wisdom #308

Recently, I visited and caught up with some friends in different places in China and Canada as I return home to Toronto from China, and these two concepts have recurred over and over: What you focus on, grows. The energy you give is the energy you attract.   These two ideas are interrelated, but the first one is arguably more fundamental because what we focus on determines our energy, and then the energy that we give others is the energy we attract back. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3  , 4 , 5 Unfortunately, we often don't have the awareness that we are focusing on the negative, or that we give others negative energy, and then we get upset that they return negative energy back at us. But it doesn't have to be this way. We can choose what we focus on. We can choose the energy we return to others. But this takes awareness and training. Below are some examples: Chores Career Change Dealing With Rudeness Returning Negative Energy With Positive Energy Example 1: Chores One person was upset that his wife didn't do a lot of the chores around the house. For context, he works 10-hour days, and a clean and organized house is very important to him. Doing chores is a big stress for him, and since his wife is only working part-time, he really expects her to take on more of the chores.   There were a few times where he and his wife were hanging out with friends, and he said that his wife doesn't do chores around the house. His wife got really upset because from her perspective, she does a lot of the chores around the house. She asked her husband about this matter, and he clarified that he meant she doesn't do enough around the house. Her wife then complains that "enough" is ambiguous, and he doesn't see all her effort and doesn't appreciate her enough. One of the biggest learnings I've had from ancient philosophy with regards to solving interpersonal conflicts is that most people get stuck arguing about the matter , and they aren't conscious of the energy  they bring to the matter. Put simply: The key to solving conflicts isn't in the matter, but rather in our mindset towards the problem and the energy we hold. What we focus on, grows. The energy we give is the energy we'll attract. Such is the law of karma.   One time, I was talking to the wife about how she and him are doing, and the topic of chores came up. I asked her, "Has he ever said words of appreciation to you though?"   She said, "Yeah, but rarely."   I asked, "Can you give me an example?"   She said, "Well, I remember one time I cleaned the house, and he said thanks for cleaning the house."   I said, "OK, and how did you respond to him?"   She said, "I don't remember. I think I just nodded or smiled."   I said, "If I were you, I would have shown that I'm really happy to hear those words and said, 'Hearing your thanks makes me really happy!'  And then give him a hug."   She looked at me a bit skeptically and said, "Really…? But I did so much work, the least he should do is give me a thanks… It's basic politeness. Why should I be so over-the-top?"   I replied, "There's the word that kills relationships: should . At the beginning of the relationship, you both tried so hard for each other, and neither of you took anything from each other for granted. As time goes on in any relationship, we start taking each other for granted. We take it for granted that they should give us a nice birthday gift. We take it for granted that they do the chores. We take it for granted that they say nice things to us. Usually, we take our family members for granted the most, but let's not go on that tangent right now…   If someone takes you for granted, do you want to keep giving to them? Of course not. The energy of entitlement repels people. The energy of gratitude attracts more. What you focus on, grows. If you focus on the other person's contributions and good points, those will grow, and their bad points will be overshadowed. If you focus on their bad points, then those will grow, and you'll become blind to their good points and contributions, which will really hurt the relationship and your own happiness. It's not that he doesn't have good points, it's that you’ve filtered them out.   So when you just nod after he thanks you, as if that's something you're entitled to, does he feel encouraged to repeat that behavior? It's already not a natural behavior for him. Due to his upbringing and personality, he is not used to giving words of affirmation, so when he goes out of his comfort zone and tries to give it to you, you really gotta encourage him!   On the flip side, if you criticize him for not being appreciative enough, do you think he'll feel encouraged to give you more words of appreciation? Negative attracts negative. What does the energy of criticism attract? Defensiveness. He'll argue back and say, 'Why do I need to praise you for every little thing? Do you really need praise for washing the dishes each time?'  Why does he say things like that? Because you gave him negative energy first. What you give out, you attract back."   She looked a bit more convinced and said, "OK, I see your point. I guess I could do more encouraging instead of demanding."   I gave another example to try to hit the point home. I said, "You know how you're very upset when he said that you don't do any chores around the house? What do you think his goal is in saying that? He probably hopes you'll do more chores, right? But do you feel more motivated to do more chores after hearing that? Of course not. In fact, you might feel motivated to rebel and not do chores just because you're upset at him. When he focused on the negative, he got more of the negative out of you.   Now imagine if he often tells his friends,  'My wife is so great because she knows I hate doing chores, and she goes out of her way to do all the chores around the house.'  And he says this many times to different friends. How would you feel? Maybe you'll clarify to those friends, 'Well, I don't do ALL the chores, he does some too.'  But afterwards, you'll feel very appreciated and more motivated to do the chores, and the next time you do chores, you might even take initiative to do more chores because of his praise. After all, it's human sentiment to want to be worthy of the praise that we receive."   By now, she nodded and looked fully convinced. Later, I clarified to her, "Just to be clear, I am not implying that only you are at fault here. The reason I focused on your problems is because I am talking to you. If I were talking to your husband, I would tell him to be more appreciative and give more praise when you do the chores.   But a big trap that we fall into is focusing on the other person's faults. Remember, what you focus on, grows. If we focus on other people's faults, that's negative energy, and that will attract more negative things. We'll feel unhappy first. Then we'll have a shorter temper and criticize them for stuff, creating more negativity for everyone.   If we can tolerate people's shortcomings (after all, everyone, including ourselves, have shortcomings) and focus on their good points, that's positive energy, and that will attract more positive things. We'll often notice and praise their goodness, which then encourages them to grow their goodness."   Example 2: Career Change Another friend is about to go do her master's degree in the US, and I asked her what she plans to do with her business here in Canada. She said that she's probably going to shut it down. I was surprised and said, "Last time we chatted, I remember you were planning to let your husband run it?"   She said, "Yeah, but after more contemplation, I don't think he is capable of running it himself."   I asked,  "Then what will he do for income?"   She said, "Oh actually, he started doing translation work for elderly people visiting hospitals, and he's actually really suited for it. He always goes out of his way to give the best service for them."   I said, "Wow, that's awesome! If I were you, I'd really praise him and encourage him towards that as a way to help him let go of the business."   She asked,  "What do you mean?"   I said, "Well, everyone has an ego. If you tell him to let go of the business because he can't handle it himself, he'll probably cling even tighter and want to prove that he can handle it himself. But if you praise his translation work and use that as a reason for letting go of the business, he'll be less resistant."   She said, "Oh now that you mention it, I have been criticizing him and saying things like 'You're not suited to lead the business. Why don't you do something else?'  And indeed, he argues back."   I replied, "Yeah, the energy you give is the energy you attract. If you criticize others, you attract defensiveness. If you demand others, you attract resistance. If you encourage and praise others, you attract cooperation.   If I were you, I might say something like, 'Oh wow you're really great at this translation job, and you're literally helping to save these elderly people's lives. I'm sure they and their whole family are super grateful. Not only is this really meaningful work, you're also way more suited for this than being a businessman, and honestly, I think you're happier doing this. Since I'm going to be away in the US for the time being, why don't we stop the business temporarily so that you can have more time to focus on and grow the translation work?' Of course, change needs to be gradual, so maybe he can progressively reduce the business' scale and gradually increase the amount of translation work he does. "   Example 3: Dealing With Rudeness I recently started tutoring English to two students around 10-12 years old. The second week, when I went to the tutoring center, another teacher told me that there's a new student in my class (let's call him Bob), and this student is a big headache. She told me, "Bob's parents really spoiled him, and he is very rude and disrespectful towards others. He calls his classmates names and often says dirty words. It will take some time to help him change his behavior."   When I heard all this, I thought to myself, "A good beginning is halfway to success. I need to be very careful at the beginning. First, I need to respect him. If I am judgmental towards him, that will attract opposition from him.   Second, I need to focus on his goodness and potential; what I focus on will grow. Everyone has innate goodness , so I need to focus my energy on noticing his good points and praising them.   Third, If he does rude behavior, I won't criticize him with negative energy; I will respectfully discuss with him and try to reason with him first. If reason doesn't work, then I will be firm in my principles and in executing class rules. This is to respect the other students and teach him how to be a proper person, not to vent annoyance."   After I set my mindset straight, I talked to the other two classmates in private and asked them about Bob. As expected, they complained a lot about him. I told them, "I need your help. I need you guys to help me role model respect towards him. Bob is not rude for no reason. He didn't have respectful role models around him when growing up, so all he knows is rude behavior. So now, we need to keep modeling respect towards him despite his rudeness, and slowly, he'll feel ashamed and change his ways. So no matter how rude Bob treats us, we need to return respect to him. I know it's not easy, but I believe you can do it. And for each time you can return rudeness with respect, I'll give you guys a point. After ten points, I'll give you guys a nice reward. How does that sound?" They agreed.   In that first class, I focused on role modeling respect myself. I told everyone, "Originally, this class was supposed to be done in English, but since our new classmate doesn't know English, and we respect him, today, I will do the class in Chinese. In the future, we'll slowly add more English into our class."   When the other two classmates spoke English out of habit, I reminded them that we should speak Chinese. We played a self-introduction game, and I asked who wants to go first. All three students wanted to. I said, "Let's follow etiquette here. We should let the eldest go first."   Bob had a sour look on his face, but he didn't argue back, and that's what I focused on. I said, "Thank you Bob for letting your older classmate go first. That's very polite of you."   Later, Bob called another classmate a rude name. I paused the class and asked Bob, "Why did you call her that name?"   He said, "Because it's funny."   I asked, "Do you like it if other people call you names?"   He said, "I don't think it's a problem. My friends call me names too."   I asked the other classmate, "How do you feel when he calls you names?"   She said, "I am unhappy."   I asked Bob, "You made her feel unhappy. Do you like it when other people make you feel unhappy?"   He stayed silent for a while, and I waited patiently for his response. Finally, he said, "No."   I said, "If we want others to treat us well and make us happy, we need to treat others well and make them happy. If we don't want others to make us unhappy, we must take care not to do that to others. It's a simple rule of relationships. Since you hurt her feelings, what do you think you can do now?"   He said very quickly, "OK got it got it. Sorry."   At this point, I could have focused on his politeness being "half empty", but instead, I viewed it as "half full" and said, "Great job. It's not easy to apologize, and I commend you for that. You get one point." There were other similar incidents where he behaved rudely, and I had to make judgment calls. If it's a small thing, I might let it go because I don't want to become naggy. But if it's a big enough deal, or if I've already let some things slide, I will remind him again, firmly but patiently.   From my first class with him, I truly felt that he isn't trying to be a villain; he's just used to behaving like this, and it takes time to change his habits. He listens to reason, and afterwards, I can see him there frowning and trying to do the polite thing. I actually felt quite touched by his effort, and I think the whole class can learn a lot more about respect and politeness thanks to Bob. As long as I focus on setting a good example myself, we will have harmony, and so long as I focus on his goodness, I can bring out more of his goodness.   Example 4: Returning Negative Energy With Positive Energy I recently had a misunderstanding with my mother that almost resulted in an argument. Basically, it was raining one day, and she was rushing to go plant some seedlings that she just got from a neighbor. I remember she often says to me that traveling is too tiring, as if hinting that I shouldn't travel so much. So I commented in passing, "Since you enjoy gardening, you don't feel like rushing to plant seedlings in the rain is a big deal. Similarly, I don't think traveling around is as tiring as you make it sound to be. Everyone has different likes and dislikes, and we shouldn't use our standards to judge others."   Later that day, I noticed she was very grumpy. I asked her what's wrong. She said, "Do you think I LIKE going out in the rain to plant seedlings? I do it because I want us to eat healthy, organic, and fresh food. You just take it for granted that you can eat all this fresh produce and don't see how difficult it is for me to plant them. Otherwise, you go buy them from the grocery store and see how expensive it is. Oh right, you young people don't care about price. You enjoy flying around and spending lots of money. You say you're not tired from traveling, but clearly you've been sleeping a lot since you got back."   She continued venting for quite a while about many different things that I won't go into details about, and I was quite taken aback. The longer I listened, the more negative energy I absorbed, and the more I wanted to argue back, to point out the errors in her understanding of my situation, and to defend my innocence. But I told myself, "I know from countless past experiences that arguing will only create a negative spiral. No matter what, I must return positive and peaceful energy to her, and I must not argue."   After she finished talking, I replied, "I'm not sure what happened and why that comment made you so upset. I never intended to upset you, but you got very upset by it, so that's my fault, and I'm sorry." At this point, I could already see her face soften up. I continued, "I know you work very hard to plant the garden and give us fresh, healthy produce, and I do appreciate it. I try to contribute too. I cook and clean, right? If it's not enough, you could just ask me, 'Do you have time to help out in the garden or do more chores?'  It's not that I'm not willing to do more, I just didn't know you wanted me to, and it would be much better for our harmony if you could simply ask me instead of criticizing me for having bad intentions."   She nodded and said, "I'm sorry too. I do know you contribute, and I'm not saying you need to do more. Maybe there's been a lot of unexpected matters recently that accumulated stress for me, so I over-reacted to your words."   Apology attracts apology, and appreciation attracts appreciation. For most people, I might just stop the conversation there, but since my mother studies Buddhism, I went further and admonished her. I said, " Honestly, I think the root of your unhappiness here is not what I said or what I did. If someone else heard my off-hand comment, would they get so upset like you? Probably not. I think the root of the problem is you assuming bad intentions in others.    We've been learning Buddhism for years now, and one of the most fundamental teachings is empathy and compassion, to let go of "how I feel" and focus on making others happy. Think about it, do you really think I would purposely try to make you angry? Do you think anyone wakes up and thinks, 'Today I'm going to make somebody angry because, why not?'   Given that I'm not trying to make you angry, given that my comment probably had neutral or even positive intentions, why do you get so angry? Why don't you think a bit longer about how their intention might be neutral or positive? Isn't it a bit unfair to vent anger on someone who didn't intend to make you angry? Shouldn't we confirm their intentions before making our judgment? Isn't that how we practice empathy and compassion?"   She laughed and said,  "OK, that's a good point. I need to do a better job practicing the teachings."   Sincere and respectful admonishment attracts appreciation. I said, "Honestly, I was really, really close to arguing with you just like in the past. But this time, I just recently came back from visiting many friends, and they gave me a deep impression that the energy we give is the energy we get back. I told them to focus on giving positive energy instead of negative energy, to encourage the behavior they want in their partners rather than always criticizing the behavior they don't want. This is all still fresh in my mind, so today, I told myself I must return negative energy with positive energy, and that's why we didn't spiral down into an argument. So we need to be thankful to my friends from my travels."   Concluding Thoughts Do you focus more on the positive or the negative? The good or the bad? What you focus on, grows. Do you give more positive energy or negative energy to others? It's what you'll attract back. Do you criticize the behavior you dislike more, or praise the behavior you do like more? If they rarely do the behavior you want them to do, then it might be because you're not attracting it. Are you able to return negative energy with positive energy? It's key for resolving conflicts. Weekly Wisdom #307

This summer, I had the opportunity to learn and shadow at a traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) hospital in Inner Mongolia called Shen Nong Hospital. This opportunity came about because my TCM doctor, Dr. Kun Liu ,  goes back to her hometown in Inner Mongolia every year to visit her family, and this year, I happen to be in China at the same time. She knows I'm a TCM enthusiast, so she asked if I'm interested in coming to learn at her father's hospital for a week. I totally jumped at the opportunity. (Me in front of Shen Nong Chinese Medicine Hospital)   That week I learned a lot, and it's one of the coolest experiences I've ever had. I wrote a detailed blog post about my experience here , but I know not everyone is into the details of TCM, so in this article, I'll just share some PSA (public service announcement) type health advice that I got from the doctors there. In summary, they are Have good posture After sitting for a while, get up and do some neck and shoulder stretches Exercise enough Eat a balanced diet suited to your body constitution Avoid AC and cold wind directly blowing onto the skin, especially the neck and upper back Cultivate positive emotions Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 Basically, I asked the doctors in each department there what the most common illnesses they treat are, and how people can prevent them. After all, we should take advantage of healthy times to prevent illness. By the time we do get ill, regret is already too late.   Massage Department: Neck, Shoulders, and Digestion In the adult massage department, the doctor said, "90% of my patients come to me for shoulder and neck problems. I'm doing shoulder and neck massage almost all day. Sometimes I'll get patients with lower back problems or local injuries."   In terms of prevention, he said,  "Prevention is really simple. Most people get shoulder and neck problems due to bad desk posture for a prolonged period of time. So #1 is to have good desk posture. #2 is after sitting down for a while, maybe 30-60 minutes, get up and stretch your neck and do some shoulder exercises for a few minutes. #3 don't have AC blowing directly onto your neck and back because that cold wind will enter the body and cause the muscles there to become tense, creating problems long-term."   I asked if there are any specific exercises to do. He said,  "No, any are fine. It's not that complicated."   He then showed me some basic exercises, and indeed, it's just what you'd expect if you searched up "neck and shoulder exercises" on the internet.   In the child massage department, the doctor said most kids come to him for digestive issues (yes, TCM massage can aid digestion, and I do it for myself every day). I was surprised but also not surprised. Surprised by the fact that children already have digestive issues. But then not surprised because of the big fast food and takeout culture in modern society. This signals that as a society, we need to be more conscientious of our dietary habits. Less processed foods, fried foods, and restaurant foods. More natural foods, vegetables, and home-cooked foods. For more on healthy eating, check out this article: Healthy Eating 101 and TCM: Food and Cooking .   Moxibustion Department: Coldness and Digestion Moxibustion is when a practitioner burns moxa sticks to apply heat onto specific acupoints or areas of the body. The body then absorbs the heat and herbal qualities of the moxa. Image Source The human body needs heat, or what TCM calls "Yang", to function, and people who are deficient in Yang tend to have symptoms such as getting cold very easily, having cold hands and feet, easily tired, easily catches colds and flus, loose stools or diarrhea, and having a white coating on the tongue.   I asked the head doctor of the moxibustion department what the most common illnesses he treats are. He said that people usually come here for one of two reasons: deficiency in Yang and cold stomach. People can get deficient in Yang due to many factors, such as climatic factors (i.e., cold winter), poor diet, overwork, and old age (people's Yang energy decreases with age).   In terms of diet, eating too much cold-natured foods, cold-temperature foods, and raw foods all harm the stomach. Cold-temperature foods harm the stomach because the stomach needs heat to digest foods, and eating really cold foods will shock the body, causing it to suddenly need to direct a lot of heat towards the stomach, which is very stressful. Raw foods (e.g., raw salads) also harm the stomach because it is much harder to digest raw foods compared to cooked and soft foods, so raw foods create more "wear and tear" on the stomach.   Eating too much cold-natured foods will make the body cold, which includes the stomach, which of course reduces digestive power. In TCM, foods can be classified into five natures: cold, cool, neutral, warm, and hot. Image Source   For example, most fruits are cold, so eating a lot of raw fruits can lead to diarrhea. Of course, an appropriate amount is fine, especially in hot weather. Every person's body is different, so we cannot use one standard for everyone. But if you have a cold body constitution, then you should eat less cold-natured foods and more warm-natured foods, such as ginger, pepper, garlic, cinnamon, pumpkin, walnuts, etc. If you do eat cold-natured foods, you can mix in some warm-natured ones. For example, seafood tends to be cold, which is why Japanese people pair seafood with wasabi and ginger.   Of course, not everyone has a cold body constitution. Some people have an overly hot body constitution, which might lead to symptoms such as always feeling hot, hot hands and feet, dry mouth and nose, dry stools or constipation, oily face, acne (no wonder I used to get acne after eating fast food), bad breath, and a yellow coating on the tongue. This can be due to excess fried foods (deep-fried foods are very high in Yang), spicy foods, and alcohol. My doctor mentioned that a lot of westerns have excess Yang because of eating too much fast food, especially fried chicken (a double-whammy on Yang). For people who have excess Yang, eating some cold-natured foods would be helpful. The goal is always balance.   Healthy eating in TCM encompasses more than just warm or cold natures, and if you're interested in learning more, you can read this article: TCM Food And Cooking . I'll just mention a few more tips here: Go for a short walk after meals to aid digestion. Don't sit down right away. Eat until 70-80% full. Eating too full hurts the stomach. Eat at regular times. Try to eat a variety of flavors. It's easy to eat sweet and salty in western foods. Try to add some sour, spicy, aromatic, and bitter flavors into the diet. Each organ responds to different flavors. Eat a variety of colors. Each organ responds to different colors.   Cupping Department: Colds and Emotions Cupping is when a practitioner applies suction cups to draw out and clean out toxins from the body. The color left behind indicates different health situations. For example, light pink is healthy, darker colors indicate stronger stagnation, red indicates heat, and purple indicates coldness. Sometimes the cup becomes damp inside, which indicates dampness in the body.   Image Source I asked the cupping practitioner what patients usually come see her for. She said, " Usually for coughs, back problems, and liver stagnation."   Coughs and colds are a bit unavoidable. We all catch a cold once in a while. But I learned that aside from viruses, we can also catch a non-contagious type of cold when the body goes from a really hot environment to a cold one. This actually happened to me in Fuzhou, China.   In the summer, it's 40 degrees outside, but all the rooms are air conditioned. I was moving a lot of boxes and furniture between rooms, so I went from 40 degrees to suddenly 20 degrees, back and forth. I was sweating a lot, so all my pores were open, then I enter an AC room, and that cold air directly enters my pores. Moreover, I was a bit overworked and sleep-deficient, resulting in a weakened immune system. When the external pathogen (in this case, the cold wind from the AC) is stronger than the body's defensive energy, the person gets ill, and I indeed caught a cold.   I also noticed that many people in Fuzhou wear a light wind-breaker jacket to prevent AC from directly blowing onto their skin. I was very intrigued at first because I've never seen people do that in the west. But now I know that if someone is sitting still, and there's AC blowing directly onto the skin, especially the neck and upper back, it's very easy for the cold wind to enter and accumulate in the body, which will eventually create problems.   My doctor also said that the majority of the cold-natured patients that she sees tend to sit in an office environment all day, meaning they lack exercise, and exercise creates Yang. They also have AC blowing on their bodies all day. So it's important for us to get up and do some simple exercises after sitting for a while, to dress warm enough in an AC room, and avoid AC directly blowing onto the skin, especially the neck and upper back.   Back problems are also related to back posture and lack of exercise, though sometimes they can be due to local injuries. I didn't ask more about this one to the doctor, so I won't say that much.   Liver stagnation is usually due to emotional disharmony, such as anger, frustration, stress, and anxiety. According to TCM, external pathogens need to go through many defensive layers before they can reach our internal organs. However, emotions directly and immediately affect our organs' health. I never realized how serious emotional management was for my health until I learned TCM.   So if we want to prevent liver stagnation and other health problems, it's very important to cultivate happiness, calm, and peaceful emotions. Regularly do activities like yoga, tai chi, going for walks in nature, or whatever helps you to feel calm, relaxed, peaceful, and happy. The topic of healthy emotions is a big one, and if you want to read more, you can check out my past articles on stress management , relationship management , and inner joy .   Conclusion When we are healthy, we might not think too much about preventing illness. But after we get ill and feel really uncomfortable and painful, we think, "Ah! If only I knew this would happen earlier, I would have done more to prevent it!"  So let's take advantage of healthy times to guard against illness.   In summary, the doctors at the hospital recommended: Posture is very important for our neck and back. Practice good posture. After sitting down for a while, get up and do some quick neck and shoulder exercises. Exercise enough. Avoid having AC blow directly onto your skin, especially the neck and upper back. Eat a healthy and balanced diet. Excess cold and excess heat all create problems. Healthy emotions are key to a healthy body. Manage negative emotions, cultivate positive emotions, and nurture good relationships. A big thanks again to Dr. Kun Liu and all the doctors at the Shen Nong Hospital, and I hope readers will find some of this advice useful! Weekly Wisdom #306

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 In a previous post, I wrote about the topic " If You’re Not Improving, You're Degrading ". That post focused on why  we need to put conscious effort into our daily improvement, especially self-improvement. Doing so not only helps us to prevent problems and pain, but also to gain happiness, success, and harmonious relationships.   In terms of how  to improve ourselves every day, I wrote about it in the post " Make A To-Be List ". Basically, we need to have a list of goals, values, or standards that we evaluate ourselves against every day. I made my list in an excel journal and reflect on them every day. I call it my "merit-fault journal" because I give myself points (merits) for practicing them and demerits if I violate them. (A screenshot from my merit-fault journal) I personally have 10 things on my list, but you don't need to have that many. In fact, when we start out, it's best to have less. Even 1 is fine. Once we are stable in our practice of one matter, we can then add more. If we divert our energy on too many matters at once, we might not do a good job on any of them.   For me, even though I have a list of ten things, I actually focus on one matter at a time. The "Giving" row is my current matter of focus, which is why I've boxed it. The others are of secondary focus, or things that I've worked on in the past and want to maintain. The yellow cells indicate really important events that I want to review, which I do at the end of each month.   Just to be clear, not everyone needs to do a fancy excel journal like I do. A paper journal or an electronic note file on your phone works too. Whatever works for you is good for you. As long as we consciously try to practice these our values and goals each day, we will definitely improve. With this heightened awareness, we will notice when we violate these standards, and when that happens, we should reflect on why we did that and how to do better next time.   Recently, a classmate heard that I've been doing this merit-fault journal for a couple of years, and he was very surprised because he also tried to do it after reading Liao Fan's Four Lessons  (one of my favorite books), but he stopped after a few weeks because he was finding too many mistakes and faults in himself, and it made him feel depressed. Hence, this post will be about how to do daily self-reflection so that it is uplifting rather than depressing. I suspected that the reason this classmate felt depressed is not because of the merit-fault journal itself, but rather due to his attitude and way of thinking. Hence, instead of showing him my excel journal, which probably wouldn't solve the problem, I first asked him, "What's your goal with the merit-fault journal? Why did you start doing it?" He said, "To improve my virtues and correct my faults."   I replied, "Really? But that goal sounds very positive, so why would you get depressed? Maybe you thought that was your goal, but on a more subconscious level, you really want to be flawless and not make any mistakes. That might be why you got depressed when seeing that you still have so many flaws after a few weeks."   He looked intrigued. I continued, "My intention with the merit-fault journal is simply to improve myself a little bit every day. I know I am not perfect and that I make mistakes every day, so when I find a mistake and record it, I don't feel terrible. I feel that making mistakes is normal, it's part of the improvement process, and it's the reason I started doing the merit-fault journal in the first place.   But since my goal is to improve, I will think about how to do better next time and write down a concrete action plan. Then, if a similar occasion arises in the future and I manage to do better, I congratulate myself on it. So doing the merit-fault journal makes me happy.   I also set goals for certain good habits I want to cultivate. For example, I spent many months trying to cultivate calmness and carefulness in daily life. At the beginning, I frequently had demerits because my mind is usually quite agitated. But that didn't discourage me. I know it's part of the change process. As time went on, slowly, I had some days where I had positive points, and after a month or so, my positive points became more stable. It takes time! Making mistakes is part of the improvement process, and seeing evidence of my improvement also makes me happy."   He nodded and said, "I guess the difference between us is in our attitude. I focused too much on my mistakes and felt bad about them, but you focus more on how to improve from mistakes and really make an effort to notice your improvement."   I said, "Exactly. What you focus on, grows. When you focus on your mistakes and simply stop there, you focus on the negative. Then you feel more negative and lose confidence in yourself. I don't ignore the negative. I am aware of my mistakes, but I don't stop there. I shift my focus towards the positive, towards how I can improve next time. Since I write down an action plan for how to do better next time, I feel good about myself for making good use of that mistake. If I encounter a similar situation in the future and correct my mistake, I get another dose of pleasure. So doing the merit-fault journal is a source of happiness for me, and it can be for you too. But you need to shift your attitude from being afraid of making mistakes to seeing them as opportunities to learn.   He replied, "OK can we do an example? Like if my parents misunderstand me and I get angry, this is a fault because I'm supposed to be respectful and filial towards my parents. How do I turn that into a positive thing?"   I said, "Great question. First, don't beat yourself up for making a mistake; making mistakes is inevitable; the important thing is how we respond to the mistake. Sure, you can give yourself a demerit for getting angry. But then you can use the philosophical teachings we've learned to give yourself therapy. After all, the root of our self-cultivation is not in our actions, but rather in cultivating our mind, in changing our thoughts from improper and unproductive thoughts to proper and productive thoughts. When our thoughts are corrected, our speech and behavior will naturally be corrected too.   For example, we've learned that the Way of Confucius is to take responsibility and give reciprocity . To take responsibility, you can think about your contribution to the conflict. What did you do that facilitated their misunderstanding towards you? What would you do differently next time to prevent them from having doubts towards you?   To give reciprocity, you can try to understand them more. Maybe they've been very stressed recently, resulting in a shorter temper. Or maybe they've often been criticized by others, and they didn't have good role models who taught them patience and empathy, so they aren't good at giving that to you. We get angry at others because we think they shouldn't be that way, but when you understand others more, you'll realize that their behavior has reasons, and your anger will subside. When you talk to yourself using these philosophical teachings, that’s a merit. I can add a third teaching: karma. I've misunderstood them before, so of course they will misunderstand me back. That's karma. If I want them to give more understanding to me in the future, I need to give them more understanding now, and I need to accumulate until a tipping point for there to be noticeable results. That's also karma. After all of this, I get 1 demerit for getting angry and 3 merits for using 3 teachings in my self-therapy. Pretty good, no? "   He looked pretty persuaded, but he asked for another example, "What if I really don't want to do something, like my homework, so I procrastinate. And then later I have to rush it. How can I turn that into a positive thing?"   I said, "If I were you, I would try to set smaller goals for myself. Don't be greedy for fast and big results. Aim for reasonable results in reasonable time. Give yourself opportunities for small wins.   If I already don't like doing homework and have a habit of procrastinating, I wouldn't demand myself to suddenly be able to do all my homework in one sitting, or work for 2 hours non-stop on my homework when I don't feel like it. Instead, I would set a goal to just do my homework for 10 minutes when I don't feel like it. If I can't even do 10 minutes, then that's a demerit for weak self-discipline.   If I can do 10 minutes, then I get a merit, and I reward myself with a 10 minute break. After a few days, I might raise the bar to 20 minutes, then 30 minutes, and so on. Realistically, I know that after I start doing it, I'll probably want to finish a decent chunk, so I'll probably work longer than 10 minutes.   I would also reflect on why I don't want to do my homework and use the teachings we've learned. If I don't want to do the homework because I think it's boring or I just don't feel like it, then I would remind myself that if I want to be successful in life, I have to be able to endure boredom and discomfort, and the sooner I cultivate this ability, the sooner I'll be happier and more successful.   Or maybe it's because others are forcing me to do it, and I want to rebel against them. Then I would tell myself, rebelling against others is making me a slave to them. If I don't do my homework, I should have a better reason, like I have more important things to do right now, or I'm currently too tired but I'll be good after a short rest. I am in control of my feelings, not others.   Whatever your reason is, find a way to bring out proper thoughts using the philosophical teachings we've learned. Even if that doesn't change your attitude completely, it should at least improve it a bit, and that counts as a win."   He looked quite happy and hopeful at this point and said, "Wow, I never thought it that way. I'm definitely going to re-try doing the merit-fault journal again with this new attitude."   Conclusion If we're not consciously improving ourselves, we'll degrade, and what gets tracked, gets done; hence the importance of daily self-reflection towards our goals and values. I personally use excel to keep a detailed merit-fault journal, but not everyone has to. Whatever tool or method helps you to self-reflect and persist with this habit is good for you. In terms of attitude, we should remember that making mistakes is normal and inevitable; the important thing is how we react to them. To enjoy the daily reflection, we should extract lessons out of mistakes, turn negative thoughts into productive ones, and look for and celebrate our improvement. Weekly Wisdom #305

Recently, I visited some friends in Shanghai. One of my friends is a very happy go-lucky type of person. I haven't seen her since I left Shanghai a few years ago, and she told me that she feels less positive now because she feels a bit stuck in her career, that Shanghai is too busy and fast-paced, and she wants a change of environment, maybe even move to Japan for a while.   When I heard this, I had the feeling that changing environments would only give her temporary excitement (dopamine boost), but after a while, she'll return to her normal state, and maybe even feel withdrawal symptoms. Moreover, moving to Japan doesn't sound cheap, so I really wanted her to think it over more thoroughly before making such a decision.   I asked her, "So what makes you happy then? What do you really like to do?"   She said, "I really like to travel."   I asked "Why?"   She said, "Because I get to experience new things and environments during travel."   I said, "I think you might be confusing external stimulation with internal joy. External stimulation are things like delicious food, gaming, alcohol, TV, travel, etc. They give us this temporary high, but afterwards, we'll feel down again. It's like a temporary distraction from our troubles. But what we really want is internal, long-lasting joy. Once you've experienced internal joy, you'll feel like external stimulation is second-rate.   In my studies on ancient philosophies, I've learned from Mencius that there are three main sources of internal joy. First is happy relationships, especially with family. Most of our chronic emotional suffering comes from relationship problems, and most of our long-term joy comes from having good relationships. Second is a guilt-free conscience, in knowing that we always do the morally right thing. When we have a guilt-free conscience, we can sleep easy at night and look at ourselves directly in the mirror without shame. Third is helping others. Oh, and Socrates gave another source of internal joy, which is our own growth and improvement.   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 Let's start with relationships. Out of all the relationships, the relationships with our parents is most fundamental. So how are your relationships with your parents now?"   She told me that her relationship with her mom is fine, but she's been having conflict with her father for a while because her father has a lot of expectations and gives her a lot of pressure to do things that she feels like aren't practical or achievable, and she feels like it's very hard to communicate with him.   I then chatted with her a lot about her attitude towards her parents and tried to help her bring feelings of appreciation, understanding, love, and respect towards her father. For example, she said that her father wants her to find a boyfriend and get married soon, but it's not that easy.   I asked her,  "So what did you say to him in that conversation?"   She said, "I told him it's not that easy. It's not like I can just find any man off the street and get married. Besides, I don't need a man to be happy."   I said,  "It sounds to me like you're holding an attitude of opposition towards your dad. Perhaps you feel like your dad is a bit unreasonable and doesn't understand you enough. Holding an attitude of opposition, you naturally give all your reasons for why it's not that easy and why you haven't done it yet.   If I were you, I might say something like, 'Thank you dad for looking out for me and thinking about my future. I know you just want me to have a happy life, and since I'm not getting any younger, you want me to have a child sooner rather than later. You also hope someone can take care of me, especially when I'm older. Honestly, I'm trying very hard to find someone suitable. I've heard many horror stories of bad marriages, and I don't want to bring that kind of trouble and drama to our family, so I'm still looking, and I hope you can be patient with me.'   Do you see how I bring a different energy compared to you? I show understanding and appreciation towards your dad, and I give him the feeling that we're on the same team, and I'm garnering his support as opposed to arguing with him."   She said, "Oh yeah, that does feel different."   I continued, "But it's very important that you don't just try to learn and memorize the words I said. My words come from my frame of mind, from my caring and respectful attitude. That's what you need to take away. When your mind is correct, your speech and actions will naturally be correct as well.   Can you try to see your father in a more positive light? Think about it: No one is perfect. Every parent just wants the best for their child, so try to see your father's good intentions. Also, it's not easy for parents to raise children. Most parents go through so much difficulty and sacrifices for their children. When we were babies, we cried all night, and they had to wake up many times every night to clean our diapers and comfort us. When we get sick, they get sick with worry. When good things happen to us, parents are even happier than us.   I used to be really annoyed at my mother for always criticizing me without understanding me first, and we had many arguments because of that. But after learning about Confucianism and filial piety, I reflected on all that she's done and sacrificed for me. For example, I remember my mom was willing to lose her job for me, and she even moved to Canada for me despite already having a great life in China. In Canada, she worked so hard and was always so tired, and that was all for me.   After reflecting on my mom's hardships and sacrifices for me, I felt bad about arguing with her. She's human just like anyone else, and I shouldn't expect her to have no faults. I've come to accept that she sometimes jumps to conclusions, and I don't get angry at her for it anymore because I love her, and loving someone means you love them despite their faults. Also, most people, including myself, have the fault of jumping to conclusions, so it's really not fair to expect her to not have that problem.   When we hold feelings of gratitude, love, and respect towards someone, we naturally won't argue with them. If my mom unfairly criticizes me, I would focus more on easing her worries as opposed to arguing the logic of what she says. Now, I'm not perfect at it yet, but I'm working on it. When you hold feelings of love and respect towards your parents, YOU benefit the most because you'll have a happy state of mind and a good conscience. On the other hand, disrespecting parents is really ungrateful, and it'll give us an uneasy conscience."   We also talked more about her plan to move to Japan. I told her, "I'm not against you moving to Japan, especially if it helps you to grow and progress in your career . As humans, we all get influenced by our environment, so it's very important to find a good and suitable environment. That's why Mencius's mother moved houses three times (to find a good environment for her son). But at the same time, we can't push the responsibility for our feelings onto our external environment. We need to cultivate our minds to remain calm and peaceful regardless of the environment. Also, it's important to get your parents' support for such a big decision; Otherwise, you'll have an uneasy conscience."   The day after our chat, my friend messaged me and told me, "Thanks for the great chat yesterday! I had a call with my dad afterwards, and our communication was much more peaceful. I also had the best sleep in many months last night. I feel refreshed and more positive, and I will try to preserve this state of mind."   Commentary I was really happy to hear that my friend had better communication with her dad and was feeling more positive energy after our chat. I'm also really impressed that she was able to change her energy and attitude so quickly, and I hope she can preserve it.   Regarding the inner joys, the original quote by Mencius is: "Exemplary people have three joys, and ruling the kingdom is not one of them. To have parents and siblings alive and healthy, that is the first joy. To feel no reason for shame when looking up at the Heavens or towards people, that is the second joy. To receive and teach the most talented people in the kingdom, that is the third joy."  (Original Text: 君子有三樂，而王天下不與存焉。父母俱存，兄弟無故，一樂也。仰不愧於天，俯不怍於人，二樂也。得天下英才而教育之，三樂也。Translation: Self.)   Here, "exemplary people" refer to those who actively cultivate their virtues. Although Mencius only mentions family members in the first joy, we can extend this meaning to include all relationships in general. After all, in Confucian philosophy (which Mencius is part of), if we have good family relationships, we'll naturally have good relationships with those outside the immediate family. The second joy is about having a clear conscience towards the Heavens (assuming the Heavens know everything) and all people. Although the third joy talks about teaching talented people in the kingdom, we can extend this meaning to helping people in general. After all, the purpose of grooming talent is so that they can contribute to the kingdom.   As for the fourth inner joy, Socrates said, "Just as one person delights in improving his farm, and another his horse, so I delight in attending to my own improvement day by day."   Moreover, Confucius said something very similar: "To learn and repeatedly practice what you learn, is this not delightful?"  (Original Text: 學而時習之，不亦說乎. Translation: Self.) Although it may seem like I only focused on cultivating a better relationship with her dad in the chat with my friend, I actually hit on all four inner joys. To give an analogy, the four inner joys are like four different sides of the same object. In order to have good relationships (joy #1), we need to cultivate and improve our virtues and morality (joy #4), such as kindness (joy #3), humility , respect, and gratitude . When we know that we behave morally and work to improve our virtues, we'll also have a good conscience (joy #2).   On the other hand, if we neglect morality and do things against morality, such as selfishness, arrogance, and entitlement, we'll create lots of relationship problems and have a guilty conscience. External stimulation can only distract us temporarily, but we can't avoid those relationship problems and that guilty conscience forever.   The reason I focused on her relationship with her dad is because the foundation for all our relationships lies in our relationships with our parents (also, she's good with her mom). That's because for most of us, parents are the people whom we should feel most gratitude towards. After all, they gave us our life and raised us, and they love us more than anyone else. If we can't feel gratitude, love, and respect towards parents, how can we truly care for and respect other people who've given less to us? If we do, then it's because we want something from them, and as soon as they can no longer benefit us, we won't care about them anymore, so it's not true kindness or respect.   Once we've nurtured love and respect for our parents, we can naturally extend those virtues towards other elders because they are other people's parents too. We would also love and respect our siblings to make our parents happy, and then we can extend that love and respect towards people of similar age or status, such as classmates, colleagues, and friends. Even if we don't have siblings, we can still understand that parents want us to have harmonious relationships with other people, and we would try to not make parents worry about us.   From this experience with my friend, I gained a further appreciation for ancient philosophies because they really help us to solve our problems from the root, and they give us wisdom and direction in life that really bring us long-lasting happiness. For more on this topic, check out my book summary on Guide To A Happy Life .   Do you feel like you have a lot of internal joy? If not, how might you cultivate more? Weekly Wisdom #304

One time, the CEO of a large company took some of his staff to a business lunch with a client company. They had a good meal and a good chat. As they were preparing to leave, the CEO's assistant suddenly felt some discomfort and gas in his stomach. Shortly after, he farted with a loud noise, and everyone looked at him. He was very embarrassed and said, "The food here must have made my stomach upset."   A few weeks later, that same client company sent some people to visit the CEO. The CEO personally came down to greet them and take them up to his office. In the elevator, the CEO and his assistant stood in the middle. Suddenly, the CEO felt discomfort in his stomach and let out a silent but stinky fart. Everyone's face changed as they smelled it, and they all looked towards the center at the CEO's assistant.   The assistant then said, "I swear, it's not me this time!"  Everyone then looked at the CEO.   Later that day, the CEO called the assistant into his office and told him, "You can pack your stuff tomorrow. You're fired."   The assistant was shocked and said, "What! Why?"   The CEO replied, "If you can't even take responsibility for a fart, how can I trust you with anything else?" Icon Sources: 1 , 2 Commentary Do you think the CEO is overreacting? From my perspective, it might seem like the CEO is overreacting, but if we think about it deeper, the assistant has a big attitude problem. He clearly lacks a sense of responsibility and emotional sensitivity. This time, it manifests on the fart matter; in the future, it'll manifest in other, perhaps bigger matters, especially since the CEO's assistant handles big matters. If that happens, it could cause great trouble with irreversible damage.    From this story, I learned two lessons. First, a responsible person takes responsibility for their mistakes, and that's not easy for most people. Second, don't make others look bad!   1: Take responsibility for your mistakes The first time the assistant farted, he didn't take responsibility for it. Instead, he blamed the restaurant food. This has three problems. First, other people didn't get an upset stomach from the restaurant food, so it's not fair to blame the restaurant. Second, it's the CEO that chose this restaurant, so if the assistant criticizes the restaurant, he is also criticizing his own CEO in front of clients. Third, he didn't apologize for his actions, which means he didn't want to take responsibility for them. Despite all these problems, the CEO decided to let the matter go, which shows that the CEO is rather forgiving.   We've all made mistakes. Most of us make mistakes unintentionally. But even so, an unintentional mistake still causes harm and trouble to others. When we make mistakes and others criticize us, do we Try to hide it Try to push away the responsibility Try to explain ourselves and why we shouldn't be blamed Take responsibility our mistake and apologize for it Tell the other person how we will make amends and how we will prevent similar mistakes in the future   Of course, D and E are the mature and responsible things to do, but most people tend to do A, B, and C. Why? Because our ego feels hurt when we feel like we did something wrong or when others criticize us. The ego is a short-sighted and immature kid, and following the ego prevents us from growing and improving.   I often think of this advice from billionaire investor Ray Dalio: "When a problem stems from your own lack of talent or skill, most people feel shame. Get over it. I cannot emphasize this enough: Acknowledging your weaknesses is not the same as surrendering to them. It's the first step toward overcoming them."   If the assistant had said, "Oh I'm really sorry about that,"  then others would probably say, "No worries,"  and the whole situation would be a lot less awkward. His weak sense of responsibility manifested in this situation as not apologizing for his fart, but it probably also manifested many times elsewhere in his work. I would imagine that the CEO often asks him why something wasn't done properly, and he wouldn't take full responsibility for it.   It's easy for us to criticize the assistant, but we need to reflect on ourselves too. I noticed that when I get criticized for making a mistake, I still habitually explain myself. Why? Because my ego wants the other person to know that I am a logical and careful person, and that this mistake isn't because I am careless. For example, recently, my manager said, "Some people wanted to submit their application form to you at 9AM, but they couldn't find you, so they gave their form to me."   I immediately replied, "What? Oh right, the second submission deadline is today at 9AM. But I already communicated with everyone the past few days, and all the group leaders said they don't need anything else, so I wasn't expecting them to need to submit a second application form."   My manager said, "Well, some people did."   Afterwards, I reflected on my attitude. I still wanted to push away blame and justify my actions. Therefore, my ego is too strong and my sense of responsibility is lacking. Otherwise, I would have first said, "I'm sorry I forgot. I need to improve my sense of responsibility and carefulness."   After taking responsibility for my mistake, I can use a calm tone of voice (not one of self-defense) to explain that these group leaders already said they didn't need anything else, which is why I didn't expect them to submit a second application today, but I now know that things always change, and I should still be in my office waiting at the submission deadline just in case a group leader changed their mind.   This all sounds simple and easy to do from a third-person perspective analyzing the matter after-the-fact, but when you are in that moment of being blamed, it's not so easy. It takes practice and cultivation.   2: Don't make others look bad! Everyone has an ego, so if we make others look bad, they will probably resent us. Moreover, the more power and fame a person has, probably the bigger their ego. In the story, the CEO clearly has a big and sensitive ego, which is one reason why he fired his assistant for making him look bad in front of clients. If he was more humble, he would have reflected on himself for not training his assistant better.   As for us, we can't control others, and knowing that most people have a big ego, it's up to us to improve our own emotional intelligence and sensitivity to others' feelings. How can we do that? We need to jump out of our perspective and often practice seeing things from other people's perspective. Don't just do and say whatever feels right or normal from your perspective. Often contemplate how others might interpret our words and actions.   The assistant was telling the truth: he really didn't fart this time. From his perspective, he feels justified to say the truth. But if he jumped out of his perspective and considered the feelings of others, especially his own boss, he might realize that his boss would feel very embarrassed in front of these clients. If he is truly a caring person and truly respects his CEO, he wouldn't bear his CEO being embarrassed in front of important clients, and he would naturally take the blame and say, "Sorry I farted."   From an even higher perspective, it's much better for the whole company and all the employees if the client got a bad impression of the assistant as opposed to the CEO. If the assistant had taken responsibility for the CEO's fart, imagine how the CEO would feel. He'd probably think,  "Wow, this assistant is really dedicated and caring towards me! I will definitely keep your gratitude in mind."   All in all, the lesson I got here is that we need to cultivate our emotional sensitivity, empathy, and respect towards others, such that we often think of how others interpret our words and actions, and we don't bear to make others feel embarrassed or bad. If we can do this, we will have great relationships. If we can't do this, we will unintentionally harm others and create resentment, as was the case with the assistant.   I reflected on myself, and I have the same problem. I remember one time, my mentor was talking to a group of students, and a student said, "Sometimes I have questions, but I don't want to message my teacher because I feel like he is too busy."   My mentor replied, "Whether or not your teacher replies is his matter. You have to trust that your teacher can manage his time and priorities. For example, I receive many messages. If I see a very important and urgent message, I will reply promptly no matter how busy I am. If the message is not too important or urgent, I will reply later. Or perhaps I purposely delay my reply to let the student think longer. Of course, sometimes I just have too many things going on and forget, in which case, it's up to you to follow up. If you don't follow up, then that shows you don't really care about your question."   When I heard this, I thought back to how if I sent an important question to my mentor, he would reply promptly and even call me. But other times, if it's not too important or urgent, he might forget my message, and I'd have to follow up. Thus, I nodded my head and said, "Mhm." My mentor then looked at me and said, "Why are you nodding your head so noticeably? Are you implying that I often don't reply messages promptly?   I said, "No no, that's not my intention. I'm nodding because I know you are very intentional about how and when you reply messages."   Later, I reflected that my mentor might have been half-joking, but even if that's true, he's still half-serious. Indeed, I need to be more sensitive to how others interpret my actions. It's easy to point out others' faults, but it's much, much harder to see one's own faults, and I'm thankful to my mentor for pointing them out.   Conclusion This simple fart story contains deep and broad lessons. It's quite hard to find someone who is truly responsible and humble, who takes full responsibility for their mistakes rather than pushing away blame and explaining themselves in self-defense. It's also really rare to find someone with strong emotional sensitivity and empathy, who is able to sense how others might perceive their actions, and who can't bear others being embarrassed or feeling bad. This all requires us to dampen our ego and cultivate emotional sensitivity. After all, we get hurt the most by our ego, and only we ourselves can do something about it. Weekly Wisdom #302