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Recently, I encountered a somewhat awkward situation. I'm currently attending a 1-month workshop at a school, and participants live on campus. I have two roommates: a teacher and a fellow classmate. One time, my classmate and I went back to our room. When we entered, we noticed the room was quite smelly. My roommate quickly found the source of the odor: my teacher's towel hanging in the room. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 He said, "I think we should wash that towel for our teacher."   I said, "Hang on. I think you should get his permission first before touching his stuff."   He said, "The towel is very stinky. I think he'd be quite embarrassed if we said, 'Hi teacher, your towel is a bit smelly. Is it OK if I wash it for you?' "   I said, "But if you don't ask him, then he'll come back and wonder where his towel went. Then if you tell him, 'Oh your towel was stinky, so I washed it,'  he'll still be embarrassed, and he might feel disrespected because you didn't get his permission before touching his stuff."   My roommate said, "All right, let's go ask him then."   We checked with our teacher, and he said it's fine for us to wash it.   Later, I asked our teacher if there's a better way to handle the situation than what we did. Before I share what my teacher said, why don't you take a moment to think about it? What would you do if you were in that situation?   My teacher said, "It's good that you can put yourself in the other person's shoes and realize they might feel embarrassed by your words. To go a step further, you need to think of a way to get rid of or reduce that embarrassment. If I were you, I would just let that person come into the room and notice that smell himself. Then when he says, 'What's that smell?', I wouldn't say, 'It's your towel.' I would pretend like I don't know, and I'd let him find out the source himself. Then he'd go wash the towel himself."   I realized that my teacher's method reduces the amount of embarrassment since it seems like we didn't really notice the smell and weren't too bothered by it. From his reply, I can tell that he is highly proficient in empathy and interpersonal skills, and this comes from years of practice and accumulation. I still have long ways to go, and this was a great learning experience for me. Weekly Wisdom #301

Do you have a negative impression of religion? Many people do, and it's because improper religions are so common nowadays. What's more, many people get sucked into improper religions, thinking that they are being "saved" and that they need to "save" others. Even if we haven't encountered improper religions yet, we or our loved ones might encounter them in the future, so it's important to know how to differentiate proper religions from improper ones. These standards are actually really similar to differentiating proper people from improper people, so even if religion doesn't concern you, you can extend these standards to people in general.   For a quick background on why I wrote this article, I grew up in Toronto, Canada, and I remember during my student years, our teachers would tell us to respect all religions. My classmates were quite multicultural and had varying religious beliefs, including Christian, Jewish, Muslim, and Hindu, but most were atheists.   I had a pretty neutral idea of religion until around high school, when I started hearing about all the crazy things that religious people do, such as war, terrorist attacks, and suicide bombing. These all gave me a negative impression on religion. It wasn't until after university, when I started learning about Buddhism, that I changed my negative bias towards religion because I encountered a proper teacher named Venerable Jing Kong. This past week was the second year anniversary of his departure, so this post is in honour of that.   From Venerable Jing Kong and his student, Venerable Chengde, I learned about the differences between proper and improper religions, and in order to help others avoid improper religions, I wrote this post. While these standards are mostly from the perspective of Buddhism, they should be able to be extended to other religions and to people in general. If even one of these red flags exist, we have to be very cautious. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 1: Improper religious leaders are arrogant. Proper religious leaders are humble. Improper religious leaders will often brag about themselves and put down others.   Proper religious leaders will often talk about their lack of cultivation and how they still have not completely practiced all of the religious teachings. They also praise other sects, leaders, and religions.   2: Improper religious leaders make you feel scared or worried. Proper religious leaders are gentle and wouldn't give you pressure. For example, an improper religious leader might say, “If you don’t stay here by my side, you and your family might attract disaster. If you leave here, you cannot come back.”   A proper religious leader would never want to give you pressure. They would help you feel at ease. They should be warm-hearted and sensitive to others' feelings.   3: Improper religious leaders don't practice the religious precepts. Proper religious leaders do. For example, Buddhism has five basic precepts: Don’t kill, don’t steal, don’t commit adultery, don’t lie, and don’t drink alcohol. Buddhism also teaches us to eliminate the five mental positions: greed, anger, ignorance, arrogance, and doubt.   If a religious leader has a terrible temper, or is a pervert, or charges money for classes, or gives you pressure to donate, or gets drunk, or makes you doubt yourself, these are all red flags. Improper religious leaders don’t emphasize or practice these precepts and teachings. They might even say they are above them. A proper religious leader would emphasize the precepts and religious texts. They would often say that they haven’t practiced them well and are still working hard to improve. They lead by example.   4: Improper religious leaders focus on superstitious worship. Proper religious leaders focus on moral education. Improper religious leaders often focus on religious ceremonies that help deceased souls or that can eliminate sins and negative karma. These things are hard to verify, and the leader doesn't explain the logic behind it, so followers tend to just take the leader's word for it. The leader might then brag about their "results". Since followers don't really understand what's happening, and they just blindly trust the leader's words, it's quite superstitious.   Proper religious leaders would educate people on how to help deceased souls and reduce negative karma, which is through our moral cultivation. Proper religious leaders would also explain the purpose behind these religious ceremonies and how they help deceased souls (by inviting these souls to listen to sutra lectures at the event) and how they help to eliminate negative karma (by bringing out virtuous thoughts and vows from people). These ceremonies would not be the main focus though; they would happen at certain dates in the year. The main focus is on moral education.   5: Improper religious leaders don't cite the religious texts. The things they say often violate the religious texts. Proper religious leaders frequently cite the texts, and everything they say accords with the texts. All religious texts talk about how to cultivate morality in order to gain a better afterlife. As students of a religion, we need to study the texts and believe in the texts (as opposed to believing in what people say). If we hear different people saying different things, we need to confirm with the texts to see which is correct. For example, if a Buddhist leader says, "I can transcend the diseased soul of your family member to the Western Pure Land,"  we need to have the sense to know that the texts never said anything about others helping you to go to the Western Pure Land. The texts say that only you yourself can decide if you go to the Western Pure Land, and the conditions are belief, vow and chanting Amitabha. It does not say other people can transcend your soul there, so we can judge this person to be an improper religious leader.   Usually, it's beginners who most easily get deceived because they never studied the texts or know to study the texts. When they hear these big claims, they get overly excited and lose their sense of rationality. The religious leader might not ask for a fee, but these people feel so grateful that they'll donate a lot of money. Thus, if we're going to invest time in a religion, we need to actually study the texts and check if the religious leader cites the texts and role models the teachings.   6: Improper religious leaders like to show off supernatural abilities. Proper religious leaders only help people through education. When the Buddha was on Earth, he and his students had supernatural powers that arose from deep meditative concentration. However, the Buddha forbade his students from using supernatural powers to help people. The reason is because ghosts also have supernatural powers. If Buddhists teachers use supernatural powers, then people wouldn’t be able to differentiate a proper Buddhist teacher from evil ghosts who’ve possessed a person. The Buddha only taught and helped people through lecturing and education; that is something malevolent ghosts cannot do. Therefore, proper religious leaders will only help people through lecturing and education, not through supernatural methods.   Some improper religious leaders like to show off supernatural abilities. They’ll predict your future or read your past. Then you feel like they know everything, and you’ll view them like a God. In reality, they are possessed by an evil ghost, and they probably seek to profit off you or enjoy the feeling of having worshippers.   Some improper religious leaders will say they are a certain Buddha or God or Spirit manifested in human form. But in the history of Buddhism, any time someone says they are a certain Buddha manifested in human form, that person then “passes away” peacefully shortly after. The reason was already mentioned before: Buddhas help people through education. As soon as people think they’re some sort of God, they lose interest in learning and instead want the “God” to use supernatural abilities to help them. Thus, if someone says they are a certain Buddha or God in human form, but they’re still here after a while, that’s an improper religious leader.   7: Improper religious leaders don't come from a long line of ancestors. Proper religious leaders do. In Buddhism, succession is highly important. Every sect has a long line of patriarchs. For example, Pure Land Buddhism has 13 patriarchs that are publicly acknowledged by the Buddhist community. A proper religious leader studies from an acknowledged line of patriarchs. They'll often cite their teachers' teachings.   An improper religious leader might say stuff like, "One day, I suddenly got enlightened." If they seem to know a lot and don't talk about learning from an acknowledged teacher, they're probably possessed by ghosts. Again, the Buddhas don't use supernatural powers to help people because they don't want followers to lose their sense of rationality.   It's also possible that an improper religious leader will say that they learned from a certain acknowledged teacher. In this case, we need to go a step further and inspect if they actually often cite that teacher's teachings and practice them, just like if they cite and practice the religious texts. A proper teacher will always cite and practice the texts and their teachers' teachings.   For example, Venerable Jing Kong was a very famous and well-respected Buddhist leader. Due to his fame and great number of followers, many people tried to use his name to gain money or fame. People will say they are his student or are working for him as a way to attract followers, but in reality, Venerable Jing Kong doesn't know about these people doing these things, and he never mentioned, let alone endorse, these people in his lectures.   What to do if someone you know might be part of an improper religious group Note that if you happen to realize someone might be part of an improper religious group, it's very important to not oppose them or make them feel like you are right and they are wrong. We have to put ourselves in their shoes. They trust their religious leader and have been in that group for a while. If someone suddenly tells them that what they are doing is wrong, it's a hard message to swallow.   To give an analogy, imagine you've been drinking soda for many years. One day, someone tells you, "Don't you know that soda is terrible for your health? I'm telling you, you gotta quit right now!"  But you've never heard this news before, and you really enjoyed drinking soda all these years. If they make you feel really uncomfortable, you might oppose not out of logic, but out of emotion.   As their family member or friend, our responsibility is to share important knowledge that we know in a humble and caring way. We can mention that we recently learned about some standards for proper and improper religions, and share some of these standards, but we shouldn't directly say, "Based on these standards, don't you know your religious group is improper?" That's opposing them and making them feel like they are wrong, which will make them oppose us. Instead, we can let them reflect themselves. We also mustn't be rushed for quick results, or else we'll become annoyed and controlling towards them, which again creates conflict. Ultimately, there isn't one correct way to advise, but the principle is that we should let them feel respected and cared for, and we must remain humble and patient.   Conclusion Since improper religions are very common nowadays, knowing the difference between proper and improper religions can help us and our family and friends from getting duped or hurt.   Proper religious leaders are humble and gentle; they diligently study and practice the religious texts, and they come from an acknowledged line of teachers. They seek to benefit people through education. Improper religious leaders are arrogant and give others pressure or worry. They don't practice the moral teachings from their religious texts, and what they say or do often contradicts the texts. They might also show off supernatural powers because they are interested in getting worshippers, not students.   If we encounter people who might be in an improper religious organization, we shouldn't criticize them or shock them by telling them that they are wrong. We should be respectful, humble, kind, and patient in the communication and advising process. Weekly Wisdom #300

Do you know anyone who is very capable and has many strengths? Do you ever feel pressured around them? As if they are judging you, or as if other people are always comparing you to them?   There’s a great teaching from Liao Fan’s Four Lessons : “Don’t let your strengths overshadow others. Don’t let your goodness make others look bad. Don’t let your great abilities trouble others.”   (Translation: Self. Original Text: 勿以己之長而蓋人；勿以己之善而形人；勿以己之多能而困人。) Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3   If someone with great ability makes you look bad or expects you to be just as capable as them, how would you feel? You’d probably dislike this person and want to avoid them. So we mustn't be this kind of person. The thing is, people often unintentionally make others feel bad, and they don’t even realize it. Thus, we have to be aware and vigilant against these faults. Below are some of my experiences practicing these spirit of these teachings. Example 1: Don't let your abilities pressure others When I was studying in a Sinology program in China this past year, I was the only native English speaker. But in each course, we have assignments that need to be done in English, so my classmates were interested in improving their English. However, I never start a conversation in English with them because I don’t want to pressure them. I wait for them to start speaking English to me first. Even then, I speak simple English and give them lots of encouragement. If there’s a classmate who shows a lot of eagerness to practice English and asks me to speak more English with them, then I might take initiative to speak English to them; In this situation, I’m sure they’ll feel happy, not stressed.   Example 2: Don't let your successes make others feel bad I recently heard a story of two classmates. The first classmate saw a big spider and freaked out. The second classmate said, “ Don’t be so scared. I used to be scared of spiders too, but I trained myself to get over it. ”   The first classmate felt even worse afterwards. The second classmate didn’t mean to make her classmate feel worse; in fact, she probably wanted to give her classmate encouragement. This is why we need to be more sensitive about how others might interpret our words and whether what we say is appropriate to that situation. Don’t let your good points make others feel bad.   Example 3: Don't let your goodness highlight others' deficiencies At my school, we have morning meditation at 5:40AM and then school cleaning at 6:15AM. Sometimes, some classmates are too tired and don’t come. Some classmates even regularly don’t come. Each room has multiple students assigned to clean it. My room has two other classmates assigned. There were multiple times where one or both of them didn’t come. In these situations, I never took initiative to tell others that my cleaning partners didn’t come, as if I’m the only responsible one and they aren’t. I understand that they have their difficulties, and the school teachers know who came and didn’t come. One time, I saw another room had no one to clean it. I took initiative to clean it, but I didn’t broadcast that I did it. I have the time and ability to help my classmates, so of course I should do it; it's nothing special.   Example 4: Don't let your high abilities trouble others One time during school cleaning, one classmate was in charge of wiping the windows with a wet towel, while the second classmate was in charge of wiping the windows with a dry towel. Afterwards, the windows would be very clean. It's much faster and easier to wipe with the wet towel, so the first classmate went really fast. The second classmate took his time to really clean the windows properly with the dry towel. As a result, some of the windows got dry with water marks before the second classmate reached that window. This is an example of not being considerate enough towards others. The fist classmate should go at a pace that is suitable for the second classmate to keep up. This isn't just for the purpose of avoiding dry water marks on the windows, it's also to not give pressure to the first classmate, as if he's too slow in drying the windows. Since the first classmate was only focused on doing his job as quickly as possible, he might have been trying to show off his speed and ability. As a result, he created more trouble to the both of them because they have to re-wipe the windows with dry water marks.   Example 5: Don't use your high standards to judge and pressure others A classmate once asked me what I think about vegan mock meat. I said, “I think it’s good. Why?”   He said, “There’s a classmate who says that people who still desire the taste of meat don’t truly love animals, and their minds are not truly pure.”   (For context: a lot of Chinese Buddhists eat vegetarian because they don't want to harm living beings, and also because they want to cultivate a pure mind free of desires, such as desire for delicious flavor.)   I said, “He shouldn’t use his high standards to pressure others. It’s fine for him to have high standards for himself, but he needs to be more considerate towards others. Being vegetarian or vegan is already a very kind and noble thing to do. If he criticizes these people for not being kind enough, then that’s rather arrogant and unkind of him. A considerate person would encourage others to make small changes step-by-step and out of their own willingness, not demand others to go completely vegan with no vegan mock meat right away.”   Conclusion We all have our strengths and good points, but it's important to consciously remain humble and sensitive towards others feelings so as to not make others feel bad and harm the relationship. Often, people make these mistakes unintentionally, so conscious effort is needed on our part. At the beginning, we might not realize our mistake until after the event is over. That's normal. But as long as we keep reflecting on ourselves and trying to improve, over time, we will greatly improve our emotional intelligence and relationships. Weekly Wisdom #299

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 During the time of the Buddha, there was a person named Upali. He was part of the servant class in India's hierarchical society, and he worked as a barber. One day, he was giving a haircut and a shave to a nobleman. This nobleman talked to him about the Buddha, and he became really interested. As a result, he lost concentration and accidentally ruined the nobleman's beard. The nobleman got very angry, so Upali quickly ran away.   Afterwards, Upali couldn't stop thinking about the Buddha, so he went to look for him. When he found the Buddha's community, he asked to become a monk and learn from the Buddha. The Buddha accepted his request.   Later, many kings heard about the Buddha, and they sent many of their noblemen to go become monks and learn from the Buddha. In the Buddha's community, when new monks enter, they have to go through a ritual where they bow down towards senior monks and express their wish for senior monks to guide them in the future. When these noblemen saw that Upali was a more senior monk, and that they have to bow down to their previous barber, they all became angry and unwilling.   The Buddha saw this situation and said, "It is not Upali who makes you angry, but rather your own ego." (The ego is arrogant and always wants to be better than others.)   These noblemen calmed down and reflected on themselves. They realized that Upali helped them see the root of their anger. With that realization, they let go of their ego and gratefully bowed down to Upali.   Image Source: Wix AI ( Story Source )   Commentary Buddhism explains that the root of anger (and suffering) is an attachment to "I" (the ego). When the ego doesn't get what it wants, it either becomes sad or angry. If we lack self-confidence, then we'll probably become sad. If we're arrogant, then we'll probably become angry.   The ego is kind of like an immature and emotional child. But we all have a rational and mature adult mind that can use logic to overcome the ego. For example, The mature adult mind can say to the ego, "Other people and outside circumstances cannot make me angry. I don't control the outside, but I most certainly can decide how I feel and how I respond to outside situations."   Buddhism teaches us to detach from the emotional child voice inside our heads. That voice is not us. When we bring out proper thoughts, improper thoughts will naturally fade away. When we dampen the ego, we dampen its negative effects, including anger, worry, sadness, and other negative or excessive emotions.   How do we dampen the ego? In the story, the noblemen were immediately able to see the ridiculousness and harmfulness of their ego, and they were able to let it go at that very moment. We can also try doing the same towards our thoughts. For example, if we see someone behaving improperly, and then we get angry at them, we might detect a thought arise in our mind: "What a rude person!"   This thought carries the emotions of anger and blame, which arises from the ego. The ego likes to control and demand others, and when others don't meet its expectations, it gets angry. When we notice that the ego is not worthy of our respect or admiration, that it is quite absurd for thinking that it is the king of the world, we can naturally let go of the ego. We can then bring out proper thoughts from our mature mind: "No one does wrong willingly. Perhaps they never learned proper behavior, or they are still in the process of improving themselves. I should focus on correcting my own faults, not focus on others' problems. In any case, getting angry never helps the situation."   As Liao Fan's Four Lessons says, "When proper thoughts arise, improper thoughts will naturally be unable to pollute the mind."   Put in this context, when proper thoughts from the mature mind arise, improper thoughts from the ego will naturally back away.   Laozi mentioned another method to dampen the ego in the Treatise on Response and Retribution : "View others' gains as my own gains. View others' loses as my own losses."   Similarly, Venerable Jing Kong taught us to "think of others with every thought."  For example, if the noblemen put themselves in the shoes of Upali, they might realize that Upali would feel scared that these noblemen are angry at him. No one likes to feel scared, so they shouldn't make Upali scared. If they view Upali's fear as their own fear, they naturally wouldn't get angry at him. When we think about benefiting others, we naturally dampen and forget "I". As we practice this more and more, we'll dampen the ego and gain joy from helping others. Concluding Thoughts When was the last time others made you angry, upset, or unhappy? How might you dampen your ego next time? Weekly Wisdom #298

We all have standards and ideals for what we think a good person should be. As for how we use these standards, there are four possibilities: Strictly demand others and oneself Strictly demand others but lenient with oneself Lenient with others and oneself Lenient with others but strictly demand oneself   Most people tend to use these standards to demand others (#1 and #2), and they are usually more strict with others and lenient with themselves (#2). This is a key cause of conflict.   The stoic philosopher Seneca said: "When philosophy is wielded with arrogance and stubbornly, it is the case for the ruin of many. Let philosophy scrape off your own faults, rather than be a way to rail against the faults of others." Icon Source   Here, the term "philosophy" can be interpreted as an education on how to be a good person. The teachings of Stoicism, Confucianism, Daoism, and Buddhism are all good examples of philosophy or moral education. They teach virtues such as kindness, wisdom, respect, courage, etc. Learning philosophy and cultivating virtues is a very noble thing, but a big trap that many people fall into is using these standards to demand others instead of oneself, which then creates conflict. The whole point of learning philosophy is to live a happier and more effective life; if the more we learn, the more conflict we have, then we've learned incorrectly.   If we still have an attitude of demanding others, then when we learn standards for being a good person, we'll start using all these standards to demand others. Before we learned them, we didn't have this "arsenal"; after we learned them, this "arsenal" harms our relationships even more.   Thus, the first step in our self-improvement is to set our attitude straight: we shouldn't focus on others' problems and demand others to be good, but instead demand only ourselves. If we see other people's problems, we should think, "Do I have the same problem? Even if my problem isn't as severe as theirs, I still have that problem to some degree. If I still have that problem, then I have no right to criticize them. I need to fix myself first." I've heard of and encountered so many examples where a person learned philosophy, felt the teachings are great, but then started demanding their family members to learn and abide by these standards. These family members then feel like this person started to become very demanding out of nowhere and oppose this person and the philosophy they are learning. Even if we've never formally learned philosophy, we still have standards of what a good person should be in our own mind. Everyone would agree that a good person should be kind and respectful, but who is able to actually be 100% kind and respectful 100% of the time? Not to mention that the closer we are to someone, such as our family, the more laid back and carefree we are towards them, yet the more demands we have towards them.   If we want to have a harmonious relationship with others, we need to let go of our demands towards them and only demand ourselves. "Harmony" is an attitude, not a matter. If they tend to criticize and demand a lot from us, but in our own heart, we don't oppose them, we don't feel the urge to argue with them, we can understand them, we can be strict with ourselves and lenient towards them, then harmony already exists in the relationship. It takes two to argue. As long as one person has a harmonious attitude in the relationship, conflict will not arise. As for who that person should be, we have to choose the one that we can control. And if that's a hard medicine to swallow, then we can try to understand their difficulties , which cause them to be the way they are. Moreover, if we truly want others to change for the better, to become more kind and respectful, then we still  have to be strict with ourselves and lenient towards them. People don't care so much about what you say. They care about what you do . If you demand them to be more kind and respectful, you're already setting an unkind and disrespectful example. They'll think, "You're not kind or respectful either, so you have no right to demand that from me." (Side note: We can use words to advise and urge others, but the prerequisite is that we've set a good role model ourselves; otherwise, they'll scoff at us. But we need to be respectful and humble when giving advice, not demanding or blaming. For more on how to advise others, check out this article: Rules For Effective Criticism .)   But if we demand ourselves to role model good behavior, and we let go of demanding others, then they'll slowly get influenced. They'll think, "Wow, this person is such a morally good person. They don't give me any pressure. I like them more now. Since they've been so kind and respectful towards me, I feel a bit bad to continue being unkind and disrespectful towards them. I should be more kind and respectful towards them in the future." This is a natural process that takes time, just like a seed takes time to grow into a fruit. If during the process, you get impatient and say, "I've been so kind and respectful towards you for so long now, and you still treat me this way?!" , they'll think, "Oh so you weren't sincere. You're still demanding me. Then I will still oppose you."   People don't change because you force them. If they do, it's because they have no choice but to obey you, and as soon as they can oppose, they will. If we want lasting change, people have to do it out of their own will.   No matter if we want to reduce conflict or to change others, it all starts with letting go of demands towards others and only demanding ourselves to set a good role model. Over time, other people will gradually respect our moral cultivation, and they will naturally feel the urge to emulate us. Weekly Wisdom #297

Recently in a workshop class, a participant asked the teacher, “If a high level leader skips the middle level manager and directly orders the bottom level employee to do something, and then this bottom level employee doesn’t report the matter to his manager, is this wrong?”   Before I let you know what the teacher said, you can think about the answer first.   Personally, I thought “Of course that’s wrong. The bottom level employee needs to report any work they got from other people to his manager. After all, his manager is responsible for him and needs to know what he’s working on. Moreover, higher level leaders need to respect the people below them. It’s disrespectful to not let the middle level manager know that you want to use his direct report.”   To my surprise, the teacher said, “It depends. You have to consider the details of the entire situation. For example, what’s the relationship like between the high level leader and the middle manager? Did they communicate about this kind of matter previously? What’s the personality of the high level leader?   Of course, it’s important for top level leaders to be a good role model. But if they made a mistake, we shouldn’t scold them. It's not socially appropriate for someone in a lower position to scold someone in a higher position. Also, if I’m the middle manager, the next time I see the high level leader, I might smile and laugh and say to the high level leader, 'Oh yeah you can let me know next time that you want to use so and so, then I can help you better!' This way, you get the message across without creating any conflict or awkwardness.”   After class, I told my mentor that I was surprised by the workshop teacher’s reply. Isn't it obviously wrong for the high level leader to not inform the middle manager? My mentor told me, “You have to have situational awareness when answering questions. You have to sense the attitude of the asker. Answering questions is not just about replying the matter, it’s about correcting their attitude and their mistaken way of thinking.   Based on the way this asker asked the question, she feels like obviously, the low level employee should report the matter to the middle manager, and that the top level leader shouldn’t order the low level employee without letting the middle manager know. Her attitude is one of blame and opposition. This kind of attitude will create conflict with others. If the teacher says ‘You are right’, then she will go back to her company and say ‘I went to a workshop, and XYZ famous teacher agrees with me.’ She’ll use our famous teacher’s words to threaten others to listen to her. That’s why our teacher didn’t dare to affirm her views. Instead, he tried to help her understand the other people’s perspectives so that she could communicate with them in a harmonious way.”   My mentor's words reminded me of this quote from The Record on Education : "When you know their mind, you can correct their problem." Icon Sources: 1 , 2   I remembered that oftentimes, when this teacher replies people's questions, he will say, "First, we need to understand others. See things from their perspective. Don't oppose them. Don't think I am right and they are wrong."  Indeed, the root of conflict is not in the matters, but in the attitude (mind) you have towards the matter or person in question.   I then asked my mentor, “So what if the asker further replied, ‘The top leader doesn’t have a close relationship with the middle manager. The top leader is simply someone who likes to do what he wants and doesn’t follow the rules. The low level employee is similar.’ Then how should we reply?"   My mentor said, “You can reply that no one is perfect. When we see our superior has problems, we can advise them in a respectful and polite manner, that we should be understanding and patient in the process."   Again, the response is about correcting their attitude of opposition and blame. I got the idea, as I have previously written about how to effectively advise or criticize others  before.   Another person at the workshop asked the teacher, "My daughter couldn't come today, but she wants me to ask you, if the human race goes extinct, what will happen to Buddhism? Will Buddhism also die out?"   Again, how would you reply? What attitude do you think this daughter might have?   What came to my mind was: "The human race probably won't go extinct anytime soon. The Buddha said there's still 9000 years of Buddhism left."  This answer is still focused on replying the matter.   The teacher replied, "First, I would try to understand why your daughter asked this question. For example, if her personality is the type that tends to worry a lot, I might try to ease her worries and ask her, 'If a person works hard to cultivate virtues and accumulate goodness, do you think they can change their life for the better? If one person can, do you think a family can? The same for a nation and for the entire human race. So don't worry about the human race going extinct. Instead, we can all focus on improving ourselves and accumulating goodness. Also, the Buddha said that there's still 9000 years of Buddhism remaining in this world.'   Another possibility is that she has a big heart and cares a lot about the wellbeing of the whole world. In this case, I would praise her big heart and encourage her to have a big aspiration for herself." From this experience, I learned that when listening to other people's words, we shouldn't just listen to the words. We need to listen deeper for the attitude behind the words, and that comes from observing their facial expression, tone of voice, and choice of words. Consider these examples: If someone offers you help, are they truly sincere, or are they just being polite but don’t actually want to go through the trouble of helping you? If someone says, "It's no trouble" , are they sincere about it, or are they just being polite? If someone says, "How can I help my family members and friends to learn ancient philosophy with me?"  Do they have an impatient, controlling, and opposition attitude? Or do they have a humble and cautious attitude? If someone is asking you for advice, do they truly trust your judgment? Or are they just being polite? Or are they flustered and asking anyone and everyone? If someone is giving you advice, do they have a cautious and humble attitude? Or do they like to lecture others?   Even if two people say the same thing or ask the same question, if their attitude differs, then our response should differ. We can even extend this idea to actions. If someone does something for you, are they happy to do it, or are they doing it because they don't have a choice? Our goal should be to help others have a good attitude and an effective way of thinking. In my observation, this is quite a different way of thinking that many are not aware of. But when we practice this way of thinking, we can better prevent and resolve problems from the root. Weekly Wisdom #296

Recently, I attended a workshop on Traditional Chinese Culture, and one of the workshop participants said something that really confused me. He's around 60 years old, and he said, "When I was young, I was often beaten by my mother. She had a terrible temper. I resented her a lot. I told myself, 'When I grow up, if I have children, I will definitely not be like my mother. I will be a loving father.' Later, I had children, and when they frustrated me, I also hit them just like my mother." I was absolutely bewildered, so I asked him, "If you have such a strong desire to not be like your mother, then why did you end up copying your mother?" He replied, "Because that's the power of role models. As a child, all I ever saw was this kind of role modeling. I never saw a positive role model. So even though I hate this kind of person, that impression got deeply imprinted into my mind, and I became like that. If I only know this kind of role model, how could I be anything else?" I asked further, "So if you hate that kind of person, then did you hate yourself when you were hitting your child or afterwards?" He said, "Oh for sure. After I hit my child, I felt so much remorse." I asked, "Then did you apologize?" He replied, "No, because I never saw a role model who apologized, so I didn't know to apologize. A lot of people nowadays are like me. They grew up with parents who served as negative role models, so if we want to better the world, we need to start by setting a good example for others. The power of role modeling is far more important and stronger than the power of words." Wrongdoers Are Also Victims, But They Can Change After my chat with this elder, I felt a lot more compassion for those who do wrong. I actually quite admire this elder. In my three weeks of interacting with him, I felt that he's a very humble and caring person, so I was really shocked to hear that he used to have a terrible temper. He's a great example of the power of moral education. No person in their right mind would want to be a bad person who hurts others and is resented by others, especially by one's own children. But in his case, he was only ever exposed to bad role modeling, so how could he know anything else? Thus, it's not enough to want to be good, we have to take the initiative to educate ourselves on how to be good. Later, after he learned about Traditional Chinese Culture in his adulthood, he started to change. He saw good role models and had a good teacher who told him to start writing a journal about why he is thankful for his mother. At first, he felt it was rather forced and unnatural. After a week, he wanted to quit. Then, he had another big argument with his mother. The next day, his mother brought out two containers of liquid fertilizer and said to him, "Let's both drink our poison. Then the resentment between you and I will be resolved." At that moment, he felt an intense feeling of dread and shame. He hurt his mother so much that she felt the only way to resolve their conflict is to both commit suicide. At that moment, his father rushed in and took the two bottles of fertilizer away. After that painful event, he went back to his gratitude journal and sincerely started to reflect on his mother's gratitude. At first, he wrote things that were superficial and recent. Gradually, he started to feel deeper gratitude and remember things from a long time ago. Eventually, there were many times he'd break out in tears while writing. Those sessions were like therapy sessions that cleansed away poison from his heart. After three years, he truly and sincerely felt grateful for his mother. He said, "My mother had a very difficult life. I can understand her pain and suffering, which led to her bad temper. When a mother hits her child, her heart is in pain too." Once he cleansed away the hatred and resentment in his heart towards his mother, his relationship with her naturally improved. When his relationship with his mother improved, all his other relationships, such as with his wife, children, and employees also improved. Recover The Innate Love Between Parent and Child Traditional Chinese Culture teaches that the first step in our moral cultivation and in having happy relationships is to recover the innate love between parent and child. When we observe a parent and an infant, we can see there is natural love and trust between them. Ideally, parents are able to help their children maintain that innate love from birth all the way to adulthood and one's entire life. This kind of person would have a heart that's full of love and positive energy to give others. But in our present day society, few people have morally educated parents. Our society and media teaches things like arrogance, anger, and self-centeredness. As a result, so many families have troubles and strife, and the children's hearts are imprinted with fear and negative energy. If we want to resolve all of our relationship conflicts from the root, then we should start by recovering the innate love with our parents. If we think about it, a mother went through so much pain to give birth to her child. The parents then go through years of toil to raise the infant. Parents always do their best and give their utmost to their children, using whatever knowledge and abilities they had at the time. If we can't even love and appreciate our parents, then how could we love and appreciate others who've given less to us? If we can't tolerate the faults of our parents, how can we tolerate the faults of other people? Thus, happy relationships start with the relationship with our parents. Icon Source My Experience In my own experience, I used to always have conflicts with my mother. In my mind, she always criticized me without seeking to understand me first, and she always thinks she's right and I'm wrong. Later, I learned about Traditional Chinese Culture and filial piety (how to be a good child), which made me reflect on my mother's gratitude. She told me that when she was pregnant with me, she didn't have permission from the country and her company (a Fortune 500 company) to have a child, so she got pressure to abort me. But she resolved to keep me, and she was willing to lose her job and find other jobs to raise me. If she couldn't find other jobs, she could sell stuff on the street. In the end, she got approval, but her company got fined. Later, my dad came to Canada. My mother didn't want to leave her stable life behind in China, but my grandma urged her to go to Canada because it would give me a brighter future. She decided to listen to my grandma. After we came to Canada, my dad wanted to attend school, so my mother had to carry the financial burden. I remember how hard my mother worked to make money, and how tired she was after coming home late at night. When I think back to how much my mother loves me, and all the difficulties and sacrifices she went through to raise me, I can't help but tear up. How could I become so disrespectful and argue with her and make her upset? Essentially, it's due to a lack of moral education and living in a morally polluted environment. But when I put her immense gratitude, love, and sacrifice in my mind, my heart only wants her to be happy, and I'll naturally take the blame for any conflicts. Once I recovered trust and understanding with my mother, our relationship became much more harmonious. Whereas before, I might feel like she often criticizes me, now, I can see that she is simply worried about me, and I can patiently communicate with her to ease her worries. In fact, I communicate a lot more proactively to prevent her worries. If I make a mistake, I'll simply apologize rather than defend myself against her criticism. As a result, she trusts me a lot more and rarely worries about me. Once I could understand my mother better, I could naturally love and understand other people better too, whether it's other relatives, friends, colleagues, leaders, or teachers. When others have conflict, I can naturally help them understand the other person's perspective, because I've adjusted my heart from one of blaming and self-defence to one of caring and understanding. So if you have conflict with your parents, start by thinking about how difficult it has been for them to raise you. Yes, they have faults, but so do you, and so does any human being. If we truly put our parents' gratitude in our hearts, we would naturally tolerate their faults prioritize their happiness rather than blaming them and demanding them to change. Next, try to see the caring intentions behind your parents' actions. I heard another workshop participant say that he used to be so annoyed at his father for always nagging at him. But after learning about filial piety, he saw his father's nagging in a different light. He felt his father really wanted to give him advice from the mistakes that he made in the past, and he doesn't want his son to make the same mistakes. Regardless if his advice is accurate or suitable to his situation, and regardless of the fact that his father doesn't know effective communication tactics, he felt the loving intention from his father. As a result, he didn't feel any opposition towards his father anymore, and so he could communicate openly with him. Before, he felt nothing was getting through in their communication. After the shift in mentality, their communication became much smoother. I'm sure that his relationships with other people will also become smoother and more harmonious now that he's untied the knot in his heart towards his father. Conclusion I once heard a person say, "The happiest thing in my life is that I can go home and shout, 'Mom! I'm home!' And then hear my mom shouting back, 'Oh, welcome home!'" Back then, I couldn't understand this person. But after a few years of studying and practicing Traditional Chinese Culture, I can understand him more. This is the type of joy that money cannot buy. It comes from within and doesn't bring a low afterwards. Once we recover that innate love and trust towards parents, our heart will feel much lighter, at ease, and joyful. This will then spill over to all our other relationships. Do you still have that innate love with your parents? If so, you are one of the lucky ones, and I hope you will maintain it. If not, don't fret. It's common, and we have the power to start recovering it today. Weekly Wisdom #295 P.S. For more on this topic, check out these posts: The Under-Appreciated Heroes A Happy World Starts With My Happy Parents Family Is Not A Place For Blame The Greatest Goodness Notice People's Good Intentions

Recently, I attended a workshop on traditional Chinese culture, and the teacher talked about how nowadays, so many couples have conflict. He then said, "A harmonious marriage isn't complicated. All you need to do is blame yourself more and appreciate them more." In other words, conflict arises because we focus on other people's faults. There are two simple ways to solve this problem. One is to blame ourselves more. Two is to appreciate them more. This isn't just useful for marriage, but for all relationships. Icon Source: 1, 2, 3 First, let's talk about blaming ourselves more. If you think about it, no problem is ever 100% one person's fault. It takes two to argue. Even if they are more at fault, if we start criticizing their 80% fault, what will they do? Naturally, they'll get defensive and criticize our 20% fault. This is natural human sentiment. Least to say that from their perspective, they probably think that we are 80% at fault and they are only 20%. Moreover, chances are that we have the same faults as them, as well as many other faults. If someone criticizes us, but they have the same faults (even if to a lesser degree) and many others, what would we think? "You're not much better than me. You have no right to criticize me." This is also natural human sentiment. But if we apologize for our 20% fault first, if we soften up first, then they will soften up and apologize for their 80%. After all, everyone has a sense of shame. When people see a virtuous example over and over again, eventually, their sense of shame will arise, and they will change for the better. When we take all the blame, they will feel that's not fair to us, and they will take part of the blame too. Also, if we can humbly accept their criticism, then they will also become willing to accept our criticisms too. This is natural human sentiment and also karma. Second is to appreciate them more. If our mind is always holding thoughts of how they offended us or how they are wrong, then whenever we see them, we will be unhappy and treat them negatively. This, of course, will harm the relationship. If we instead fill our mind with thoughts of their contributions, kindness, effort, and good points, then we will start to view them in a positive light, and we will naturally be kind and harmonious towards them. Try this out: when you hold a thought of gratitude towards someone, can you feel angry or upset at them? You'll notice that when you're feeling grateful, you can't feel negative emotions at the same time. Thus, if we want to feel happy and give the other person positive energy, which then influences them to feel happier and give us positive energy in return, we should strengthen our "gratitude muscle." For example, we can write down things we are grateful for towards the other person (and daily life in general) every day in a journal. Some people say, "They were so caring and loving at the beginning of our relationship. But then they changed and became unappreciative and uncaring towards me." Again, this is focusing on others' faults. We can ask ourselves, "What is my part of the blame?" Chances are, they aren't the only person that become less appreciative and loving; we are probably the same. If we didn't became less appreciative and loving, if we didn't become demanding or controlling, then they probably wouldn't be like this today. If we have the same problem as them, then we don’t have any right to blame them or demand them to be better. We have to lead by example. We need to start showing more appreciation and kindness to them again, and then they will feel like they should do the same to us. This is natural human sentiment and karma. The difference between conflict and harmony lies in one thought. Is your thought one of blaming others or blaming yourself? Is your thought of appreciating others or demanding others? Weekly Wisdom #294

"Difficulties show a person's character." –Epictetus Commentary If we want to know a person or ourselves deeply, one way is to observe how they or we respond to difficulty, challenges, setbacks, failures, stress, and conflicts. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 However, our energy should be spent on demanding ourselves to be better, not others. If we demand others, that will create conflict. Besides, if we can't even understand our own mind, how can we understand the mind of others? Thus, this quote is about understanding ourselves first, then others. It's also about demanding ourselves, not others, to be better in the face of difficulties. It's easy to be kind and polite when we're in a good mood and have a lot. But how do we treat others when we're stressed, tired, sick, uncomfortable, or don't have a lot to give? I heard a story of a prince who treated his servants rather impatiently and unkindly because he was sick and in pain. The king told him, "Your servants have a much tougher life than you. When you're ill, you have all these people attending to you. When they are ill, they might not have anyone to attend to them, nor can they afford the best medicine. You shouldn't give them a bad attitude. That's really unfair and unkind of you." When I grew large canker sores in my mouth before, making it painful to eat or speak, I worked hard to keep a patient and kind attitude towards others. After all, it's not fair to them if I treat them with a bad attitude; my pain has nothing to do with them. I was fairly successful, and I was quite pleased with my improvement in character. Recently, I was really busy preparing for a big presentation. I slept for 5-6 hours for nearly a week because I was so busy. One time during a meal, someone said to me, "Is everything alright? You don't look happy these days." I was kind of surprised because I wasn't unhappy at all. In fact, I really enjoyed the research I was doing for my big presentation. I then realized it must be because I look really tired and serious during meals. I then realized how much my cultivation is still lacking. I've been practicing "think of others with your every thought" for a few months, and that includes not giving others negative energy or making others worry. It's fine for me to be really tired temporarily because the sacrifice is worth it, but in the process, I need to be more cognizant of the energy I'm giving others. No matter how tired I am, surely I can still greet others with a smile and ask them how they are doing. The problem was that I was absent-minded due to always thinking about my presentation. Being overly attached to anything, even if it's a "good" or "important" thing, will create problems. Thanks to that difficult experience, I realized my deficiency in cultivation. I'm sure I will encounter more difficulties in the future, and I hope I will learn from this experience and do better next time! Weekly Wisdom #293

"Nobody Does Wrong Willingly." –Socrates Icon Source Commentary We all try to do what we think is right. No one thinks, "I just want to be a stupid person and do wrong things." YET, a lot of us will jump to conclusions and criticize others as if they are stupid or intentionally wanted to do wrong. So before we criticize others, we should ask ourselves, "Why might they think what they are doing is right?" For example, I have a classmate who seems to be overly attached to her studies and can be rather unfriendly sometimes. When she's in our classroom, the other classmates are scared to chat. When we have extracurricular activities, she almost never comes. At first, I was a bit judgmental towards her, thinking that all she cares about is her grades and that she doesn’t value her relationships with classmates enough. But one time, I had a chat with her, and she mentioned in passing that she has so much pressure here because there are so many expectations from her parents and teachers, and she wants to be worthy of receiving all the tuition money that her parents and other donors provided her. Suddenly, I saw her in a different light. She has a great sense of responsibility. She isn't being unfriendly because she is an unfriendly person. Rather, she just has too much stress, but she definitely has her reasons for doing what she does. But even though she has her reasons, I still have a moral responsibility to advise her against doing things that might harm her future success or happiness. Hence, I praised her for her sense of responsibility, and then I reminded her that aside from her studies, it's really important to build good relationships with others. After all, most of our future success in life is not dependent on how good our grades were in school, but rather on our interpersonal skills and relationships. Moreover, having good relationships with classmates will make us happier, and we can all help each other out in times of need. When I advised her from a place of care and consideration, she was much more receptive. There is another situation when people know that what they are doing is wrong, but they can't help it. Usually it's a bad habit or some kind of health condition. Again, we really should be more understanding and less critical. For example, my roommate this year almost never wakes up to attend the morning meditation at 5:40AM. At first, I was kind of critical, thinking that he's just being lazy, or that he just doesn't respect the school enough, because if he really respected the school, he would sleep earlier and wake up on time for class. But later, another classmate told me, "He's too much. Last year, before you arrived here, we would have some school outings on Wednesday mornings instead of the morning class. He told us to wake him up. We'd go wake him up, but he wouldn't wake up. Then later, he says, 'Did you guys wake me up? I wanted to go on the outing!'" The classmate then said, "I really do want to wake up! I just can't help it." I've also told this classmate to just try sleeping earlier and to not shower so late at night. But he said that he just can't fall asleep, and that he's used to showering at night, otherwise he doesn't feel like lying on the bed. Anyone who has really tried to change a habit knows how hard it is, so we shouldn't be so demanding and impatient towards others. Later, he decided to make up for the missed morning meditation during the afternoon. This wasn't forced by the teacher; he raised this idea himself because he felt bad for always missing the morning class. This is proof of Mencius' view that human nature is good: people know what is moral and not, and they feel ashamed when doing immoral things. When our school year finished, and everyone was leaving, there was one day where three classmates left at 5:30AM, 7:00AM, and 8:00AM respectively. The night before, he told me, "Please wake me up tomorrow. I want to see them off." The next day, I woke him up three times. Each time, he was really tired, but he forced himself up to say goodbye to his classmates. We were all quite touched by his efforts. From these two experiences, I got a deeper impression that everyone is really trying their best to do what they think is right, and I should try to understand others' difficulties rather than judge them from my limited and biased perspective. With this belief, we will view others in a better light, and we will have better, more harmonious and happier relationships.

“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” —Marcus Aurelius Image Source: Wix AI My Recent Experience In the upcoming few weeks, I will be attending an intensive workshop on sinology (traditional Chinese culture), and I will not have access to my phone or computer except for on Saturdays (the organizers want us to fully focus on the workshop). Shortly after that workshop, I have another intensive workshop for another month. Therefore, in these upcoming two months or so, I don't have the amount of time as I usually do to write my weekly posts. At first, I was a little frustrated at the situation because I made a promise to myself and everyone that I would put out a good quality blog post every week. But ancient philosophers, like Marcus Aurelius, all teach that the problem is never the outside circumstances, it's our attitude towards the outside circumstances. If we can reframe the situation, then we can convert the "obstacle" into a path for advancing our goals. Another analogy that Laozi uses is water: when water encounters rock, it simply flows around it and continues towards its destination. Thus, I asked myself, "How can I still put out a good quality post every week despite my limited prep time?" I then remembered that many years ago, when I first started the Weekly Wisdom Blog, I experimented with a short-form format called "Wisdom Quotes." Basically, I just post a wise quote and give a short commentary. I went back and read some of them, and I feel like these are really useful and short reminders. Examples include: You can either be right, or you can be in a relationship How am I complicit in creating the conditions I say I don't want? Popularity is when other people like you. Happiness is when you like yourself. More can be found here. Indeed, short-form has short-form's benefits, and long-form has long-form's benefits. I've mostly leaned towards long-form because I think many of us "know" and have heard these teachings over and over again, but what's missing is that thorough discussion that makes these lessons really stick in our mind. But short-form is really easy and accessible to read, and sometimes all we really need is that reminder. So given my situation, I will write short "Wisdom Quote" format posts over the next couple of months. If you have any feedback, suggestions, or ideas, feel free to share in the comments. And whatever obstacle you are facing now, ask yourself, "How can I use this obstacle to advance my goal?" Weekly Wisdom #291

The importance of humility, stories of humility, and my experience with humility. Have you ever met someone who is full of themselves, who thinks that they are always right and everyone needs to listen to them? If yes, you can probably agree that no one wants to interact with an arrogant person. On the other hand, when we meet a person who is extremely humble, who wants to learn and improve themselves, we naturally want to help them. That's why the Chinese Book of History said, "Arrogance brings harm. Humility brings benefit." (Original text: 满招损，谦受益。) Image Source In the book Liao Fan's Four Lessons, Liao Fan explains: "A humble person receives support and trust from the general public. If a person understands the virtue of humility, he is the person who also understands the importance of constant self-improvement. This constant self-improvement not only includes the search for higher knowledge, but also encompasses the need to be more humane, better performance in daily duties, and improved communication with friends." Liao Fan praised a person for his humility, noting that this person is Respectful Tolerant Never tries to come in first Does not talk back when insulted or slandered He predicted that this person would achieve great success due to his humility, and indeed, that person later attained wealth and prosperity as a government official. Although we might not be 100% arrogant, we probably aren't 100% humble either. So how can we improve our humility? The Guide to Happy Life gives many concrete examples: When my parents (or anyone) call me, I should respond promptly. When my parents (or anyone) criticizes me, I should listen respectfully without arguing. When I see other people’s good points, I will learn from their goodness. When I see other people’s bad points, I will reflect on myself. If I have the same vice, I will fix it. If not, I will guard against it. Be happy when hearing criticism and afraid when hearing praise. Then good people will come and bad people will leave. Use spare time to study virtuous books. Whatever I learn, I must apply in my life. Do not be harsh on myself nor give up on myself. With dedication and training, I too can become a virtuous and noble person! Story: Emperor Yao's Humility Once, Emperor Yao was walking through his kingdom, when he saw two people being arrested by the police. The Emperor asked what happened. The police told him these two villagers are being arrested for stealing food. Image Source The Emperor then asked the two villagers, “Why did you steal food?” The villagers told him, “There hasn’t been rain for a long time, so our crops died, and we have nothing to eat.” After hearing this, the Emperor told the police to let the two villagers go and to arrest him instead. The police were baffled and asked, “But you’re the Emperor! On what grounds can we arrest you?” Emperor Yao replied, “It’s my fault for not teaching my citizens well. That’s why they resorted to stealing. Furthermore, my lack of virtues is related to this long drought. I have not done a good job as Emperor.” As soon as the Emperor finished speaking, the sky turned grey, and rainfall came shortly after. Another Story: Emperor Tang's Humility Another role model of how humility brings fortune is Emperor Tang Taizong, who is considered one of the greatest emperors in Chinese history. If Emperor Tang was wrongfully criticized, he still accepted the criticism with respect and said it was his fault. When others asked him why he didn't correct the criticizer, he said, "If I make others feel bad for trying to criticize me, then people would be scared to criticize me in the future." Image Source Emperor Tang wasn't perfect; he still got upset at hearing criticism sometimes, but he always corrected himself. He had a great advisor named Wei Zheng, who was known for providing the Emperor with straightforward and constructive feedback. One time, Emperor Tang returned from a cabinet meeting and angrily told his wife, "Sooner or later I will kill that Wei Zheng! He always contradicts me and embarrasses me in front of everyone!" Upon hearing this, the Empress said, "A subject is only willing to present his honest opinion when the Emperor is wise and open-minded. I would like to congratulate your majesty for having a cabinet member who is not afraid to contradict you, because it is proof of your open-mindedness!" Emperor Tang immediately calmed down and thought of Wei Zheng's integrity and moral character. He later said, "A lot of people think Wei Zheng is a direct and tactless man, but I think those are his very charms." When Wei Zheng passed away, Emperor Tang burst into tears at his funeral. He famously said, "Put a slab of copper as a mirror before me, and I can straighten my robe. Put history as a mirror before me, and I can identify the alarming signs of rise and fall in a dynasty. Have a man as a mirror who reflects my flaws, and I can rectify my mistakes. I constantly keep these three mirrors to prevent me from making mistakes. Now that Wei Zheng has passed away, I have lost a mirror!” Emperor Tang also urged the people around him to be humble and to seek others' criticisms. He told his ministers, "If you can't accept criticism yourself, how can you criticize others?" One time, Emperor Tang saw his son lazily lying under the shade of a tree. He walked up to his son and told him, “A tree often doesn’t grow perfectly straight, but a carpenter can turn it into a straight log strong enough to support a building. A monarch who grows up in a palace cannot know everything and will certainly make mistakes. Only by modestly listening to the advice of his ministers can he correct and straighten himself up and become a worthy emperor.” Heeding his father's advice and learning from his father's example, the son later achieved even greater success as Emperor. A Cautionary Tale: The Blind Men and The Elephant A group of blind men were brought to inspect an elephant, and each man touched a different part of the elephant. The first man, who ran his hands along the elephant’s trunk, said “the elephant is like a thick snake.” The second man, who felt the ear, said the “No, the elephant resembles a big fan.” The third man, who touched a leg, said “No, the elephant is like a pillar.” The fourth man, who patted the elephant’s side, said “The elephant is clearly like a wall.” The fifth man, who touched a tusk, said “I’m certain the elephant is like a spear.” The last man, who felt the elephant’s tail, said “You’re all wrong. The elephant is just like a rope.” Image Source Unable to come to an agreement, the men continued to argue and defend themselves, eventually even coming to physical blows. My Experience with Humility Humility is a virtue that speaks dearly to me because arrogance is probably my biggest vice. Previously, I spend many months reading The Guide to Happy Life every day to remind myself to practice the five virtues. When my parents (or anyone) call me, I should respond promptly. In the past, I often did not respond to my parents' calls right away because I was busy doing work. That means subconsciously, I view myself as higher than them, which is really quite disrespectful. Now, I am much more conscious of answering them right away. I also make sure to reply promptly even if it is a simple "Thank you for the email. I got it." Learn from people's good points. Self-reflect on people's bad points. Listen to criticism without arguing. I like to find the good points of others and learn from their role modeling. I don't do a good enough job reflecting others' bad points on myself. Instead, I complain a lot. For example, I complain that my mother complains about me a lot. But if I were truly humble, I would first fix my own complaining problem rather than viewing the problem to be solely my mother's. Also, if she complains about me a lot, surely I must be doing something wrong. When I decided to be humble and patiently listen to her criticisms and reasons for worry, I realized her criticisms come from her worry, and her worry come from my lack of communication with her. She felt like I didn't care about her, and she worried that I would neglect my health, so naturally in that emotional state, she would start complaining about me. Being arrogant and defensive only made things worse. Being humble and caring solved the conflict. Use spare time to study virtuous books. Whatever I learn, I must apply in my life. I used to spend my free time on entertainment like video games and anime, but about a year ago I decided to avoid negative influences and only accumulate virtuous influences. So I started dedicating 100% of my free time towards learning and writing. Although I had withdrawal symptoms for the first couple of months, I persisted. My life has gotten a lot happier and better since then, and it is one of the best decisions I have made! I also make sure I apply what I learn in my life, otherwise there is no point in learning it. That's why my articles always usually have a "My Experience" section. Conclusion A humble person is respectful, tolerant, never tries to come in first, does not talk back when insulted or slandered, and always seeks to improve oneself. Hence, humility brings us benefit, while arrogance brings us harm. As D.L. Moody said, "Be humble, or you'll stumble." How can you improve your humility in your daily life? Weekly Wisdom #171 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.