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Recently, I visited and caught up with some friends in different places in China and Canada as I return home to Toronto from China, and these two concepts have recurred over and over:
What you focus on, grows.
The energy you give is the energy you attract.
These two ideas are interrelated, but the first one is arguably more fundamental because what we focus on determines our energy, and then the energy that we give others is the energy we attract back.
Unfortunately, we often don't have the awareness that we are focusing on the negative, or that we give others negative energy, and then we get upset that they return negative energy back at us. But it doesn't have to be this way. We can choose what we focus on. We can choose the energy we return to others. But this takes awareness and training. Below are some examples:
Example 1: Chores
One person was upset that his wife didn't do a lot of the chores around the house. For context, he works 10-hour days, and a clean and organized house is very important to him. Doing chores is a big stress for him, and since his wife is only working part-time, he really expects her to take on more of the chores.
There were a few times where he and his wife were hanging out with friends, and he said that his wife doesn't do chores around the house. His wife got really upset because from her perspective, she does a lot of the chores around the house. She asked her husband about this matter, and he clarified that he meant she doesn't do enough around the house. Her wife then complains that "enough" is ambiguous, and he doesn't see all her effort and doesn't appreciate her enough.
One of the biggest learnings I've had from ancient philosophy with regards to solving interpersonal conflicts is that most people get stuck arguing about the matter, and they aren't conscious of the energy they bring to the matter. Put simply:
The key to solving conflicts isn't in the matter, but rather in our mindset towards the problem and the energy we hold. What we focus on, grows. The energy we give is the energy we'll attract. Such is the law of karma.
One time, I was talking to the wife about how she and him are doing, and the topic of chores came up. I asked her, "Has he ever said words of appreciation to you though?"
She said, "Yeah, but rarely."
I asked, "Can you give me an example?"
She said, "Well, I remember one time I cleaned the house, and he said thanks for cleaning the house."
I said, "OK, and how did you respond to him?"
She said, "I don't remember. I think I just nodded or smiled."
I said, "If I were you, I would have shown that I'm really happy to hear those words and said, 'Hearing your thanks makes me really happy!' And then give him a hug."
She looked at me a bit skeptically and said, "Really…? But I did so much work, the least he should do is give me a thanks… It's basic politeness. Why should I be so over-the-top?"
I replied, "There's the word that kills relationships: should. At the beginning of the relationship, you both tried so hard for each other, and neither of you took anything from each other for granted. As time goes on in any relationship, we start taking each other for granted. We take it for granted that they should give us a nice birthday gift. We take it for granted that they do the chores. We take it for granted that they say nice things to us. Usually, we take our family members for granted the most, but let's not go on that tangent right now…
If someone takes you for granted, do you want to keep giving to them? Of course not. The energy of entitlement repels people. The energy of gratitude attracts more. What you focus on, grows. If you focus on the other person's contributions and good points, those will grow, and their bad points will be overshadowed. If you focus on their bad points, then those will grow, and you'll become blind to their good points and contributions, which will really hurt the relationship and your own happiness. It's not that he doesn't have good points, it's that you’ve filtered them out.
So when you just nod after he thanks you, as if that's something you're entitled to, does he feel encouraged to repeat that behavior? It's already not a natural behavior for him. Due to his upbringing and personality, he is not used to giving words of affirmation, so when he goes out of his comfort zone and tries to give it to you, you really gotta encourage him!
On the flip side, if you criticize him for not being appreciative enough, do you think he'll feel encouraged to give you more words of appreciation? Negative attracts negative. What does the energy of criticism attract? Defensiveness. He'll argue back and say, 'Why do I need to praise you for every little thing? Do you really need praise for washing the dishes each time?' Why does he say things like that? Because you gave him negative energy first. What you give out, you attract back."
She looked a bit more convinced and said, "OK, I see your point. I guess I could do more encouraging instead of demanding."
I gave another example to try to hit the point home. I said, "You know how you're very upset when he said that you don't do any chores around the house? What do you think his goal is in saying that? He probably hopes you'll do more chores, right? But do you feel more motivated to do more chores after hearing that? Of course not. In fact, you might feel motivated to rebel and not do chores just because you're upset at him. When he focused on the negative, he got more of the negative out of you.
Now imagine if he often tells his friends, 'My wife is so great because she knows I hate doing chores, and she goes out of her way to do all the chores around the house.' And he says this many times to different friends. How would you feel? Maybe you'll clarify to those friends, 'Well, I don't do ALL the chores, he does some too.' But afterwards, you'll feel very appreciated and more motivated to do the chores, and the next time you do chores, you might even take initiative to do more chores because of his praise. After all, it's human sentiment to want to be worthy of the praise that we receive."
By now, she nodded and looked fully convinced. Later, I clarified to her, "Just to be clear, I am not implying that only you are at fault here. The reason I focused on your problems is because I am talking to you. If I were talking to your husband, I would tell him to be more appreciative and give more praise when you do the chores.
But a big trap that we fall into is focusing on the other person's faults. Remember, what you focus on, grows. If we focus on other people's faults, that's negative energy, and that will attract more negative things. We'll feel unhappy first. Then we'll have a shorter temper and criticize them for stuff, creating more negativity for everyone.
If we can tolerate people's shortcomings (after all, everyone, including ourselves, have shortcomings) and focus on their good points, that's positive energy, and that will attract more positive things. We'll often notice and praise their goodness, which then encourages them to grow their goodness."
Example 2: Career Change
Another friend is about to go do her master's degree in the US, and I asked her what she plans to do with her business here in Canada. She said that she's probably going to shut it down. I was surprised and said, "Last time we chatted, I remember you were planning to let your husband run it?"
She said, "Yeah, but after more contemplation, I don't think he is capable of running it himself."
I asked, "Then what will he do for income?"
She said, "Oh actually, he started doing translation work for elderly people visiting hospitals, and he's actually really suited for it. He always goes out of his way to give the best service for them."
I said, "Wow, that's awesome! If I were you, I'd really praise him and encourage him towards that as a way to help him let go of the business."
She asked, "What do you mean?"
I said, "Well, everyone has an ego. If you tell him to let go of the business because he can't handle it himself, he'll probably cling even tighter and want to prove that he can handle it himself. But if you praise his translation work and use that as a reason for letting go of the business, he'll be less resistant."
She said, "Oh now that you mention it, I have been criticizing him and saying things like 'You're not suited to lead the business. Why don't you do something else?' And indeed, he argues back."
I replied, "Yeah, the energy you give is the energy you attract. If you criticize others, you attract defensiveness. If you demand others, you attract resistance. If you encourage and praise others, you attract cooperation.
If I were you, I might say something like, 'Oh wow you're really great at this translation job, and you're literally helping to save these elderly people's lives. I'm sure they and their whole family are super grateful. Not only is this really meaningful work, you're also way more suited for this than being a businessman, and honestly, I think you're happier doing this. Since I'm going to be away in the US for the time being, why don't we stop the business temporarily so that you can have more time to focus on and grow the translation work?'
Of course, change needs to be gradual, so maybe he can progressively reduce the business' scale and gradually increase the amount of translation work he does."
Example 3: Dealing With Rudeness
I recently started tutoring English to two students around 10-12 years old. The second week, when I went to the tutoring center, another teacher told me that there's a new student in my class (let's call him Bob), and this student is a big headache. She told me, "Bob's parents really spoiled him, and he is very rude and disrespectful towards others. He calls his classmates names and often says dirty words. It will take some time to help him change his behavior."
When I heard all this, I thought to myself, "A good beginning is halfway to success. I need to be very careful at the beginning. First, I need to respect him. If I am judgmental towards him, that will attract opposition from him.
Second, I need to focus on his goodness and potential; what I focus on will grow. Everyone has innate goodness, so I need to focus my energy on noticing his good points and praising them.
Third, If he does rude behavior, I won't criticize him with negative energy; I will respectfully discuss with him and try to reason with him first. If reason doesn't work, then I will be firm in my principles and in executing class rules. This is to respect the other students and teach him how to be a proper person, not to vent annoyance."
After I set my mindset straight, I talked to the other two classmates in private and asked them about Bob. As expected, they complained a lot about him. I told them, "I need your help. I need you guys to help me role model respect towards him. Bob is not rude for no reason. He didn't have respectful role models around him when growing up, so all he knows is rude behavior. So now, we need to keep modeling respect towards him despite his rudeness, and slowly, he'll feel ashamed and change his ways. So no matter how rude Bob treats us, we need to return respect to him.
I know it's not easy, but I believe you can do it. And for each time you can return rudeness with respect, I'll give you guys a point. After ten points, I'll give you guys a nice reward. How does that sound?" They agreed.
In that first class, I focused on role modeling respect myself. I told everyone, "Originally, this class was supposed to be done in English, but since our new classmate doesn't know English, and we respect him, today, I will do the class in Chinese. In the future, we'll slowly add more English into our class."
When the other two classmates spoke English out of habit, I reminded them that we should speak Chinese. We played a self-introduction game, and I asked who wants to go first. All three students wanted to. I said, "Let's follow etiquette here. We should let the eldest go first."
Bob had a sour look on his face, but he didn't argue back, and that's what I focused on. I said, "Thank you Bob for letting your older classmate go first. That's very polite of you."
Later, Bob called another classmate a rude name. I paused the class and asked Bob, "Why did you call her that name?"
He said, "Because it's funny."
I asked, "Do you like it if other people call you names?"
He said, "I don't think it's a problem. My friends call me names too."
I asked the other classmate, "How do you feel when he calls you names?"
She said, "I am unhappy."
I asked Bob, "You made her feel unhappy. Do you like it when other people make you feel unhappy?"
He stayed silent for a while, and I waited patiently for his response. Finally, he said, "No."
I said, "If we want others to treat us well and make us happy, we need to treat others well and make them happy. If we don't want others to make us unhappy, we must take care not to do that to others. It's a simple rule of relationships. Since you hurt her feelings, what do you think you can do now?"
He said very quickly, "OK got it got it. Sorry."
At this point, I could have focused on his politeness being "half empty", but instead, I viewed it as "half full" and said, "Great job. It's not easy to apologize, and I commend you for that. You get one point."
There were other similar incidents where he behaved rudely, and I had to make judgment calls. If it's a small thing, I might let it go because I don't want to become naggy. But if it's a big enough deal, or if I've already let some things slide, I will remind him again, firmly but patiently.
From my first class with him, I truly felt that he isn't trying to be a villain; he's just used to behaving like this, and it takes time to change his habits. He listens to reason, and afterwards, I can see him there frowning and trying to do the polite thing. I actually felt quite touched by his effort, and I think the whole class can learn a lot more about respect and politeness thanks to Bob. As long as I focus on setting a good example myself, we will have harmony, and so long as I focus on his goodness, I can bring out more of his goodness.
Example 4: Returning Negative Energy With Positive Energy
I recently had a misunderstanding with my mother that almost resulted in an argument. Basically, it was raining one day, and she was rushing to go plant some seedlings that she just got from a neighbor. I remember she often says to me that traveling is too tiring, as if hinting that I shouldn't travel so much. So I commented in passing, "Since you enjoy gardening, you don't feel like rushing to plant seedlings in the rain is a big deal. Similarly, I don't think traveling around is as tiring as you make it sound to be. Everyone has different likes and dislikes, and we shouldn't use our standards to judge others."
Later that day, I noticed she was very grumpy. I asked her what's wrong. She said, "Do you think I LIKE going out in the rain to plant seedlings? I do it because I want us to eat healthy, organic, and fresh food. You just take it for granted that you can eat all this fresh produce and don't see how difficult it is for me to plant them. Otherwise, you go buy them from the grocery store and see how expensive it is. Oh right, you young people don't care about price. You enjoy flying around and spending lots of money. You say you're not tired from traveling, but clearly you've been sleeping a lot since you got back."
She continued venting for quite a while about many different things that I won't go into details about, and I was quite taken aback. The longer I listened, the more negative energy I absorbed, and the more I wanted to argue back, to point out the errors in her understanding of my situation, and to defend my innocence. But I told myself, "I know from countless past experiences that arguing will only create a negative spiral. No matter what, I must return positive and peaceful energy to her, and I must not argue."
After she finished talking, I replied, "I'm not sure what happened and why that comment made you so upset. I never intended to upset you, but you got very upset by it, so that's my fault, and I'm sorry."
At this point, I could already see her face soften up. I continued, "I know you work very hard to plant the garden and give us fresh, healthy produce, and I do appreciate it. I try to contribute too. I cook and clean, right? If it's not enough, you could just ask me, 'Do you have time to help out in the garden or do more chores?' It's not that I'm not willing to do more, I just didn't know you wanted me to, and it would be much better for our harmony if you could simply ask me instead of criticizing me for having bad intentions."
She nodded and said, "I'm sorry too. I do know you contribute, and I'm not saying you need to do more. Maybe there's been a lot of unexpected matters recently that accumulated stress for me, so I over-reacted to your words."
Apology attracts apology, and appreciation attracts appreciation. For most people, I might just stop the conversation there, but since my mother studies Buddhism, I went further and admonished her. I said, "Honestly, I think the root of your unhappiness here is not what I said or what I did. If someone else heard my off-hand comment, would they get so upset like you? Probably not. I think the root of the problem is you assuming bad intentions in others.
We've been learning Buddhism for years now, and one of the most fundamental teachings is empathy and compassion, to let go of "how I feel" and focus on making others happy. Think about it, do you really think I would purposely try to make you angry? Do you think anyone wakes up and thinks, 'Today I'm going to make somebody angry because, why not?'
Given that I'm not trying to make you angry, given that my comment probably had neutral or even positive intentions, why do you get so angry? Why don't you think a bit longer about how their intention might be neutral or positive? Isn't it a bit unfair to vent anger on someone who didn't intend to make you angry? Shouldn't we confirm their intentions before making our judgment? Isn't that how we practice empathy and compassion?"
She laughed and said, "OK, that's a good point. I need to do a better job practicing the teachings."
Sincere and respectful admonishment attracts appreciation. I said, "Honestly, I was really, really close to arguing with you just like in the past. But this time, I just recently came back from visiting many friends, and they gave me a deep impression that the energy we give is the energy we get back. I told them to focus on giving positive energy instead of negative energy, to encourage the behavior they want in their partners rather than always criticizing the behavior they don't want. This is all still fresh in my mind, so today, I told myself I must return negative energy with positive energy, and that's why we didn't spiral down into an argument. So we need to be thankful to my friends from my travels."
Concluding Thoughts
Do you focus more on the positive or the negative? The good or the bad? What you focus on, grows.
Do you give more positive energy or negative energy to others? It's what you'll attract back.
Do you criticize the behavior you dislike more, or praise the behavior you do like more? If they rarely do the behavior you want them to do, then it might be because you're not attracting it.
Are you able to return negative energy with positive energy? It's key for resolving conflicts.
Weekly Wisdom #307