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Previously, I wrote an article about wise principles for great decisions, the first of which is this quote from Liao Fan's Four Lessons:
"Do not just consider the present action, but also consider its side effects. Do not just consider immediate effects, but also consider the long-term effects. Do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole."
Recently, I had some experiences that gave me a deeper understanding into the third part, "do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole." To paraphrase this principle, I would say,
"Do not just look at matters from just your own perspective. Look at matters from every implicated person's perspective."
Why is this wise? Because if we accidently neglect someone's perspective, we might accidently hurt their feelings or trouble them. As a result, they will be unhappy towards us and even seek to get even with us in the future. On the other hand, if we are always sensitive to every person's needs, they will be touched by our kindness, and they will naturally want to support and help us. Such is karma. Below are some examples.
Example 1: Seeing Off Guests
One time, the top leader in our organization came to visit. Everyone really admires this leader and looked forward to his visit for a long time. When the leader left, everyone went to the basement parking lot to see off the leader.
In the car, there was the driver and a mid-level manager accompanying the leader. The leader and the driver entered the car on the left side, while the manager entered on the right. I noticed that almost everyone was standing on the right side waving goodbye to the leader. On the left side was only one person: my mentor. He was waving goodbye to the mid-level manager on the left side. I quickly walked over and accompanied him on the right side.
From that incident, I gained a lot of admiration for my mentor. He doesn't just preach philosophy, he really role models it. He didn't want anyone to feel left out, neglected, or unappreciated. Most people only thought of things from their own perspective: "My top leader, whom I admire and respect very much, is leaving, so of course I need to wave goodbye to him." There isn't anything wrong with this intention per se, but it can be elevated and broadened.
My mentor was probably thinking, "Wow, if I were the manager on the right side, I'd feel pretty neglected. And if I were the top leader, I'd feel a bit sorry and awkward that all my staff members neglected him."
I'm sure my mentor's actions would let that manager feel quite touched and let the top leader feel gratified. He already sowed good karmic seeds, and when the conditions are ripe in the future, those people will repay his kindness.
Example 2: Skit Rehearsal
Another time, my classmates and I were practicing a skit for the closing ceremony of our one-month long workshop. It was already late at night, and many of us were tired. When my mentor walked into the room, he noticed that some people were rehearsing, while a few others were just sitting around.
He asked the skit director, "Do you still need everyone here to rehearse?"
The director said, "I still need most people, but Bob is done."
My mentor asked Bob, "How long have you been sitting there?"
Bob said, "Maybe 20 minutes."
My mentor said to the director, "If Bob is done, then you should've let Bob go rest a long time ago. It's already late at night, and we all need enough rest so that we're not tired in class. Everyone, but especially the director, should be paying attention to every person's needs. If you are inconsiderate towards others, others will be inconsiderate to you too. If you don't respect other people's time, other people won't respect your time either. We learned about philosophy in class, but that's just knowledge. We need to practice it in our daily matters."
After hearing my mentor's words, I realized that I'm still too used to just thinking about things from my own perspective, and I haven't cultivated the habit of empathy enough yet.
Example 3: Advising A Senior Colleague
My mentor leads a group of students to study ancient Chinese philosophy, and we discuss how to apply these teachings into our lives to have harmonious relationships, especially in the family. Currently, there are three main teachers (including me), and it's very important for teachers to be good role models for other students. Recently, another, more senior teacher wrote a report to my mentor detailing some of his family troubles and asked for advice. My mentor told him to ask me first.
I was actually quite shocked because I know this teacher has a sensitive ego, and he might not be willing to accept advice from a more junior colleague like me. I thought about why my mentor would do this, and I think it's because he suddenly got called to go on a business trip, so he is really, really busy, and perhaps he wants that teacher to chat with me first in the meantime, and if we still have further questions, we can ask him.
Another reason is perhaps because this colleague's family troubles have been ongoing for a while, and my mentor has already given advice multiple times in the past, but that colleague hasn't practiced them enough. Since I am aware of all of this, I do have some credentials to offer advice. My mentor knows that any advice I give would be aligned with my mentor's teachings, so perhaps if this senior teacher sees a more junior teacher giving him advice that he already knows but hasn't practiced enough, he might feel embarrassed and have more motivation to correct his faults.
So although I didn't really want to give this senior teacher advice at first, after I thought of things from my mentor's perspective, I decided to try my best. I also thought of things from my colleague's perspective, and I know I need to be very humble and respectful in my advice giving.
After I wrote my reply, I asked my mentor to check it before I send it. After all, I don't want to accidentally say something incorrect or impolite, but we all have our blind spots, so it's very important to get a capable person to check our work. My mentor said, "It's great. You can send it to him. And if he is willing, he can send it to our study group chat."
When I heard this, I felt a bit uneasy. I put myself in my senior colleague's shoes: "It's already a bit embarrassing that this junior colleague is giving me advice. Now I have to let others know?"
But I also tried to think of things from my mentor's perspective. Then I remembered that in our study group, there are some students with similar struggles as this senior teacher, so some of the advice in my reply would indeed be helpful. Moreover, this advice is not targeted directly at those other students, so their ego won't be hurt. I then thought about whether there's a way to help those classmates without hurting this senior teacher's ego.
I asked my mentor, "If I ask him to share this advice in our group chat, can I anonymize myself in the reply? This way, people don't think that this junior teacher is better than that senior teacher. I really don't think I am better. I have similar problems too. It's easy to give advice. Actually doing it is much much harder."
Before I sent that message, I contemplated that perhaps I am being overly cautious. But I still felt that it's better to be cautious and ask rather than risk unintentionally creating resentment. Moreover, in my reply letter, I literally quoted Liao Fan's Four Lessons about "don't let your goodness make others look bad", so I need to practice what I preach!
My mentor took a couple days to reply, perhaps because he's really busy on his business trip, and maybe because he was thinking carefully about my question too. Then he replied, "It's fine. No need to anonymize."
My mentor always teaches us to learn not just what sages do, but why they do it. Since my mentor didn't explain his reasoning, I have to take initiative to ask. I then messaged him,
"I thought about why you decided that there's no need to anonymize. Is it because if I anonymize my name, other people would wonder who wrote it? And it's quite obvious that I wrote it because only I would write such long replies, and the Chinese grammar is a bit like a foreigner's grammar. So it's a bit pointless to anonymize my name. Furthermore, people might think, 'Why did they anonymize his name? Is it because this senior teacher's ego is too sensitive?' If others think that, it would be harmful to the senior teacher. Even if he is a bit uncomfortable with it, it's a good chance for him to practice humility, and it shows that we believe he is a humble person. Moreover, sharing this report with other classmates can give him more motivation to correct his faults. I wonder if my understanding is accurate?"
My mentor replied a thumbs up to me.
From this whole experience, I gained a deeper understanding of "do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole." If I just think from the perspective of myself and the senior teacher, I would anonymize my name. But my mentor also thought about everyone in the entire study group.
My mentor also thought deeper about my senior colleague's feelings than I did. By anonymizing my name, not only is it ineffective, but I am also indirectly telling the senior colleague that I believe he has a big ego. By not anonymizing my name, I am communicating that I think he is a humble person who is willing to share useful advice with those who need it. Philosophical teachings sound simple when we hear them, but actually using them can turn out to be much more nuanced than we initially thought.
Concluding Thoughts
When you are with others, are you living in your own world and thinking just from your own perspective? Or do we practice empathy and think what they might be thinking?
When dealing with problems and matters, do we just think from our own perspective? Or just a few people's perspectives? Or the perspectives of every implicated person?
When thinking from other people's perspectives, do we do so in a quick and shallow way? Or do we patiently ponder and think deeply?
Weekly Wisdom #308
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