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One time, the CEO of a large company took some of his staff to a business lunch with a client company. They had a good meal and a good chat. As they were preparing to leave, the CEO's assistant suddenly felt some discomfort and gas in his stomach. Shortly after, he farted with a loud noise, and everyone looked at him. He was very embarrassed and said, "The food here must have made my stomach upset."
A few weeks later, that same client company sent some people to visit the CEO. The CEO personally came down to greet them and take them up to his office. In the elevator, the CEO and his assistant stood in the middle. Suddenly, the CEO felt discomfort in his stomach and let out a silent but stinky fart. Everyone's face changed as they smelled it, and they all looked towards the center at the CEO's assistant.
The assistant then said, "I swear, it's not me this time!" Everyone then looked at the CEO.
Later that day, the CEO called the assistant into his office and told him, "You can pack your stuff tomorrow. You're fired."
The assistant was shocked and said, "What! Why?"
The CEO replied, "If you can't even take responsibility for a fart, how can I trust you with anything else?"
Commentary
Do you think the CEO is overreacting?
From my perspective, it might seem like the CEO is overreacting, but if we think about it deeper, the assistant has a big attitude problem. He clearly lacks a sense of responsibility and emotional sensitivity. This time, it manifests on the fart matter; in the future, it'll manifest in other, perhaps bigger matters, especially since the CEO's assistant handles big matters. If that happens, it could cause great trouble with irreversible damage.
From this story, I learned two lessons. First, a responsible person takes responsibility for their mistakes, and that's not easy for most people. Second, don't make others look bad!
1: Take responsibility for your mistakes
The first time the assistant farted, he didn't take responsibility for it. Instead, he blamed the restaurant food. This has three problems.
First, other people didn't get an upset stomach from the restaurant food, so it's not fair to blame the restaurant. Second, it's the CEO that chose this restaurant, so if the assistant criticizes the restaurant, he is also criticizing his own CEO in front of clients. Third, he didn't apologize for his actions, which means he didn't want to take responsibility for them. Despite all these problems, the CEO decided to let the matter go, which shows that the CEO is rather forgiving.
We've all made mistakes. Most of us make mistakes unintentionally. But even so, an unintentional mistake still causes harm and trouble to others. When we make mistakes and others criticize us, do we
Try to hide it
Try to push away the responsibility
Try to explain ourselves and why we shouldn't be blamed
Take responsibility our mistake and apologize for it
Tell the other person how we will make amends and how we will prevent similar mistakes in the future
Of course, D and E are the mature and responsible things to do, but most people tend to do A, B, and C.
Why? Because our ego feels hurt when we feel like we did something wrong or when others criticize us. The ego is a short-sighted and immature kid, and following the ego prevents us from growing and improving.
I often think of this advice from billionaire investor Ray Dalio:
"When a problem stems from your own lack of talent or skill, most people feel shame. Get over it. I cannot emphasize this enough: Acknowledging your weaknesses is not the same as surrendering to them. It's the first step toward overcoming them."
If the assistant had said, "Oh I'm really sorry about that," then others would probably say, "No worries," and the whole situation would be a lot less awkward. His weak sense of responsibility manifested in this situation as not apologizing for his fart, but it probably also manifested many times elsewhere in his work. I would imagine that the CEO often asks him why something wasn't done properly, and he wouldn't take full responsibility for it.
It's easy for us to criticize the assistant, but we need to reflect on ourselves too. I noticed that when I get criticized for making a mistake, I still habitually explain myself. Why? Because my ego wants the other person to know that I am a logical and careful person, and that this mistake isn't because I am careless. For example, recently, my manager said, "Some people wanted to submit their application form to you at 9AM, but they couldn't find you, so they gave their form to me."
I immediately replied, "What? Oh right, the second submission deadline is today at 9AM. But I already communicated with everyone the past few days, and all the group leaders said they don't need anything else, so I wasn't expecting them to need to submit a second application form."
My manager said, "Well, some people did."
Afterwards, I reflected on my attitude. I still wanted to push away blame and justify my actions. Therefore, my ego is too strong and my sense of responsibility is lacking. Otherwise, I would have first said, "I'm sorry I forgot. I need to improve my sense of responsibility and carefulness."
After taking responsibility for my mistake, I can use a calm tone of voice (not one of self-defense) to explain that these group leaders already said they didn't need anything else, which is why I didn't expect them to submit a second application today, but I now know that things always change, and I should still be in my office waiting at the submission deadline just in case a group leader changed their mind.
This all sounds simple and easy to do from a third-person perspective analyzing the matter after-the-fact, but when you are in that moment of being blamed, it's not so easy. It takes practice and cultivation.
2: Don't make others look bad!
Everyone has an ego, so if we make others look bad, they will probably resent us. Moreover, the more power and fame a person has, probably the bigger their ego. In the story, the CEO clearly has a big and sensitive ego, which is one reason why he fired his assistant for making him look bad in front of clients. If he was more humble, he would have reflected on himself for not training his assistant better.
As for us, we can't control others, and knowing that most people have a big ego, it's up to us to improve our own emotional intelligence and sensitivity to others' feelings. How can we do that? We need to jump out of our perspective and often practice seeing things from other people's perspective. Don't just do and say whatever feels right or normal from your perspective. Often contemplate how others might interpret our words and actions.
The assistant was telling the truth: he really didn't fart this time. From his perspective, he feels justified to say the truth. But if he jumped out of his perspective and considered the feelings of others, especially his own boss, he might realize that his boss would feel very embarrassed in front of these clients. If he is truly a caring person and truly respects his CEO, he wouldn't bear his CEO being embarrassed in front of important clients, and he would naturally take the blame and say, "Sorry I farted."
From an even higher perspective, it's much better for the whole company and all the employees if the client got a bad impression of the assistant as opposed to the CEO. If the assistant had taken responsibility for the CEO's fart, imagine how the CEO would feel. He'd probably think, "Wow, this assistant is really dedicated and caring towards me! I will definitely keep your gratitude in mind."
All in all, the lesson I got here is that we need to cultivate our emotional sensitivity, empathy, and respect towards others, such that we often think of how others interpret our words and actions, and we don't bear to make others feel embarrassed or bad. If we can do this, we will have great relationships. If we can't do this, we will unintentionally harm others and create resentment, as was the case with the assistant.
I reflected on myself, and I have the same problem. I remember one time, my mentor was talking to a group of students, and a student said, "Sometimes I have questions, but I don't want to message my teacher because I feel like he is too busy."
My mentor replied, "Whether or not your teacher replies is his matter. You have to trust that your teacher can manage his time and priorities. For example, I receive many messages. If I see a very important and urgent message, I will reply promptly no matter how busy I am. If the message is not too important or urgent, I will reply later. Or perhaps I purposely delay my reply to let the student think longer. Of course, sometimes I just have too many things going on and forget, in which case, it's up to you to follow up. If you don't follow up, then that shows you don't really care about your question."
When I heard this, I thought back to how if I sent an important question to my mentor, he would reply promptly and even call me. But other times, if it's not too important or urgent, he might forget my message, and I'd have to follow up. Thus, I nodded my head and said, "Mhm."
My mentor then looked at me and said, "Why are you nodding your head so noticeably? Are you implying that I often don't reply messages promptly?
I said, "No no, that's not my intention. I'm nodding because I know you are very intentional about how and when you reply messages."
Later, I reflected that my mentor might have been half-joking, but even if that's true, he's still half-serious. Indeed, I need to be more sensitive to how others interpret my actions. It's easy to point out others' faults, but it's much, much harder to see one's own faults, and I'm thankful to my mentor for pointing them out.
Conclusion
This simple fart story contains deep and broad lessons. It's quite hard to find someone who is truly responsible and humble, who takes full responsibility for their mistakes rather than pushing away blame and explaining themselves in self-defense. It's also really rare to find someone with strong emotional sensitivity and empathy, who is able to sense how others might perceive their actions, and who can't bear others being embarrassed or feeling bad. This all requires us to dampen our ego and cultivate emotional sensitivity. After all, we get hurt the most by our ego, and only we ourselves can do something about it.
Weekly Wisdom #302
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