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Recently in a class meeting, my mentor criticized me for not responding to his messages, so he didn't know if I received them or not, and that if I do this to others, they might think I take their help for granted.
I promptly said, "Oh I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel ignored. I think I must've misunderstood you before, because I remember you said to us in a previous meeting that we shouldn't always try to be the last person to leave a message in the chat. So I interpreted it as we should reduce the amount of messages we send to you. But now I know that we should still send a message of acknowledgement."
After the meeting, I remembered one of my mentor's teachings:
"If someone criticizes you, you shouldn't explain yourself on the spot. Otherwise, it's clear you have a big ego, and people won't bother telling you your problems in the future. Then you'll be walking a dangerous path. If their criticism is accurate, then acknowledge your fault and fix it. If their criticism is inaccurate, then simply thank them for their criticism and guard against it in the future. No need to explain yourself."
I thought back to the meeting and wondered, "Did I make the mistake of explaining myself to my mentor's criticism?"
I then sent a message to my mentor:
"I thought back to the meeting yesterday, and I wonder if I made the mistake of explaining myself in the face of criticism? I certainly didn't have any intention to argue. I acknowledged my fault and apologized first. And then I wanted to report that I realized where my thinking went wrong as a way to check with you that my thinking is now correct. Does this count as 'explaining oneself in the face of criticism'?
Also, what exactly did you mean before when you said 'we shouldn't always try to be the last person to leave a message in the chat'? I thought that meant we don't always need to say 'Got it, thanks', but now I can't think of any situation in which we don't need to reply to the other person's message.
Thank you for your time and guidance."
My mentor replied, "You can ask your colleague Bob for his thoughts first."
I then asked my colleague, and he told me, "If our superior criticizes us and we explain ourselves on the spot, regardless of our intention, others might think we are indignant and arguing. Unless our superior asked us why we did what we did, we shouldn't explain ourselves. As for the message part, I wonder if you misheard? Maybe he said in a meeting, don't try to be the last person to speak? Or maybe he was referring to group chats?"
I replied, "Oh I get it now! OK I'll know for the future. Unless others ask me to explain myself, I shouldn't take initiative to explain myself. As for the second question, I remember quite clearly that the context was for private chats, specifically with him, not group chats or meetings."
He said, "Oh, I kind of remember now. I think he was saying that if he sends a message, then we reply 'Got it, thank you', then sometimes he might reply a sticker or emoji. In that case, we don't need to reply another sticker or emoji."
I replied, "Oh that makes sense! OK I'll double check with him and get back to you."
My mentor said, "Yes, you two got it. Good job."
Further Reflections
In my observation, nearly everyone naturally explains themselves in the face of criticism and misunderstanding. After all, it's an uncomfortable feeling to be misunderstood, so we want to clear up that misunderstanding to feel better. But here's the kicker: How often does explaining ourselves immediately actually result in us feeling better or actually helps the situation?
In my observation, it seems that explaining ourselves immediately usually makes the situation worse rather than better. Why? Because when we desire to explain ourselves, our mood is that of upset, hurt, annoyance, and anger. The energy we give is the energy we attract, so when we speak with this kind of negative energy, we will attract similar energy from the other person.
When we explain ourselves because we feel misunderstood, we are not telling them, "Yes, you are right, I understand you." If we do that, then there'd be no conflict. When we explain ourselves, we are indirectly telling them, "No, you are wrong. You have bad judgment and bad observation abilities. You shouldn't have said what you said."
But think about it: for them to have that "incorrect view" towards us, surely, we must've done something to give them that impression. Oftentimes, we are unaware that our actions repeatedly left a negative impression in others' eyes. Then when they finally voice it to us, we feel surprised and argue back. But their behavior is not unfounded, so we should not get annoyed at them for being "unreasonable". If we were truly humble and considerate, we'd apologize for causing them trouble and unhappiness rather than explain ourselves, which is really just an indirect way of arguing.
In my case, when I explained myself to my mentor, I felt like my intention was to clear up a misunderstanding and confirm that I understood his words. That is certainly true, but is it the whole truth? If I dig deeper, is there an aspect of wanting to reduce my blame and responsibility?
This is where the ego starts resisting deeper reflection because the ego hates being wrong, blamed, or criticized. The ego is responsible for all our suffering and relationship conflicts, so we have to overcome the ego and not deceive ourselves. Indeed, there must be some percentage of wanting to reduce my blame and responsibility; Otherwise, I would simply say, "Yes, you're right. I'm sorry for not replying to your messages to acknowledge that I received them."
Although I was unclear about why my mentor said "Don't always try to be the last person to leave a message in the chat", I didn't have to bring it up right away. If I deeply felt bad for making my mentor feel disrespected, or I was deeply grateful for my mentor's advice, I wouldn't be in the mood to say, "But you said try not to be the last person to leave a message in the chat", because I wouldn’t want to risk him thinking I am pushing blame onto him. I would just ask him about it later.
So why didn't I have this sense back then? Because my ego is still too sensitive. When my ego is hurt, all I can think of is my own feelings, resulting in the lack of ability to be considerate towards how others feel and how others might interpret my actions. Therefore, the matter of "not explaining ourselves right away in the face of criticism" isn't simply forcing ourselves to not explain ourselves right away (though this is certainly necessary). At a deeper level, it's about dampening the ego and cultivating humility and consideration towards others.
I remember in the book Teamwork 101, leadership expert John Maxwell said that the most important factor to team success is harmony. There's also a Chinese idiom that goes,
"When the family is harmonious, everything else flourishes."
If we want our life to flourish, we have to build harmony with others, and for that, we must cultivate our humility and kindness (consideration towards others' feelings). If you criticize a humble person, he'd apologize and accept your criticism. If you criticize a considerate person, she'd apologize for causing you trouble and promise to do better in the future. How could a conflict possibly start with a humble and considerate person?
As long as one person is humble and considerate, there's no way for a conflict to start. Whether or not the other person can be that humble and considerate person is out of our control, and frankly speaking, demanding others is a big cause of suffering for ourselves. We want to improve ourselves, and it's already so hard to practice, let alone other people who may not yet see the importance of cultivating virtues. The only option then, is to cultivate humility and kindness ourselves, to give others understanding rather than demand them to give it to us, and to view others' criticisms and misunderstandings as training to elevate our virtues. Whoever puts in such efforts will enjoy the sweet rewards of harmony and prosperity.
Concluding Thoughts
Do you have the desire to explain yourself right away in the face of criticisms and misunderstandings?
Do you reply to others' messages in a timely manner?
Weekly Wisdom #315
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