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Last week, we discussed how to help children (or people in general) who are very upset and have conflicts with other people. This week, we'll look at the topic of teenage rebellion.
Although the context is parenting, the principles can be extended to any relationship where others oppose us and don't want to listen to us.
One parent asked our class teacher about how to prevent and deal with teenage rebellion. The teacher first asked, "Do you guys agree that teenage rebellion is a normal thing that all teenagers go through?"
So what do you think? Did you or your friends go through a phase of teenage rebellion? Why or why not?
The teacher then continued:
"I asked my mom before, 'Mom, did I go through a phase of teenage rebellion?' She thought for a while until finally saying, 'No.' If we look back in history, teenage rebellion was never mentioned. Filial piety (respecting and loving parents) was the norm in the past. So clearly, teenage rebellion is not a law of the teenage years. The law of causality states that every result has a cause. A teenager becoming rebellious is a result. What are the causes [reasons]?
No child is born rebelling their parents. A child naturally respects their parents and looks up to their parents. When children are in kindergarten, they always say, "My dad says…My mom says…" This clearly shows their respect and admiration towards parents. If this attitude is maintained until the teenage years, teenage rebellion wouldn't arise.
So why do so many teenagers rebel against parents now? One major possibility is that the parent's behavior has made the child feel wronged, upset, annoyed, or misunderstood, and this negative feeling has been accumulating in the child's heart for a long time. This often happens when the parent is too controlling and demanding, such that if the child voices any objection, the parent just negates them. Although the child didn't rebel in the past, that resentment was always accumulating, until one day, it reaches a tipping point, and rebellion starts happening. As parents, we ought to reflect on whether we've set a good role model for our children and whether if we've made them feel wronged or misunderstood.
Of course, external factors are probably involved too. Perhaps their classmates at school are disrespectful towards parents and teachers, and they subconsciously learn that bad role modelling. Or perhaps they watched movies or read books that teach arrogance and conflict. Thus, as parents, we need to be aware of what our children are learning, and we should proactively teach them morality."
The parent replied, "Yes you're right. I suppose I do force my children to listen to me sometimes, but that's because they don't know what's good for them. If I just let them do whatever they want, isn't that wrong as well?"
The teacher replied,
"Thank you for bringing up that question. It's a very valid concern. When we say don't be so controlling or demanding, it's a type of attitude. It's about having the intention to understand and respect others. It does not mean just letting them do whatever they want, especially if what they want to do is bad for them or others. If we have the intention to understand and respect them, we would naturally soften up and patiently communicate with them. We would really try to understand them first, and then patiently communicate our concerns and try to find a solution together rather than forcing them to accept our perspective. We would command less and discuss more."
Commentary
Although here, my teacher said that parents need to be more understanding and respectful towards children, that doesn't mean children can demand their parents to be understanding and respectful towards them. We should remember Marcus Aurelius's teaching:
"Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself."
We should all be more understanding and respectful towards others, not demand others to be more understanding and respectful towards us (as that will lead to major conflict). If my teacher were talking to children, he would say, "You guys need to be more understanding and appreciative towards your parents."
Effective communication is more about the intention we have and less about the techniques we use. Our intention should be purely to understand them, not to argue with them and tell them why they are wrong. Nor should we view communication as a trade where if we listen for 10 minutes, they should then give us 10 minutes of attention back.
When we understand others, we'll naturally soften up. When others feel understood, they'll naturally soften up too, and the trust between you two will increase. When we have enough trust with them, they will be willing to listen to us.
I remember many years ago, when I had conflict with my mother, I just wanted her to stop misunderstanding me, and she just wanted me to understand her. As a result, our communication always led to more conflict, and we didn't want to communicate anymore.
I then started learning about Confucianism and filial piety, and I decided to let go of my views and just follow my mom's wishes. Although I did it with a bit of unhappiness at first, my mom was quite touched, and she softened up. It's as Mencius said,
"One who loves others will constantly be loved by others. One who respects others will constantly be respected by others."
Thus, we shouldn't wait for others to understand us or be good to us first. What others do is outside our control, but what we do is in our control. We need to be proactive rather than reactive. When we take initiative to respect others first, others will eventually respect us back. When we give to others, others will naturally give back to us. The key is in our sincerity and patience.
For more on building trust with others and getting others to do what we ask, check out these articles:
Concluding Thoughts
Do others oppose or rebel against me? How might I have contributed to this outcome?
Do I command more or discuss more with others?
Weekly Wisdom #319
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