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Recently, I've been thinking a lot about the Chinese term 順 (pronounced "shwun"), which can be translated to many English terms, including flow, following their wishes, yielding, according with, smooth, unobstructed, being in the same direction. The opposite of 順 would be obstruction, stagnation, resistance, opposition.
Smooth flow is extremely important. If our blood flow or air flow become obstructed, our lives would be in danger. If our emotions get obstructed, we'd feel bad, like there's something stuck inside. If this obstruction and repression accumulates, our emotions either explode in the future or create mental illness. If communication doesn't flow smoothly, misunderstandings and conflicts arise. If communication is completely obstructed, then that relationship is in jeopardy.
In the past, I used to think that when we encounter obstacles in life, we need to find ways to remove or destroy that obstacle. This kind of attitude is one of opposition and resistance, which is "non-flow".
Later, I read this quote by the Daoist sage Lao Zi in Chapter 8 of the Dao De Jing:
The highest good [i.e. most excellent of] human beings resemble water.
Water excels at nourishing the ten thousand things (all things) and does not contend with them.
Because it resides in places everyone detests, it remains closest to the Dao.
In residing it excels at choosing the right place,
its heart excels at preserving calmness and tranquility,
in interacting with others, it excels in sincerity and kindness,
in speaking it excels at remaining true to its word,
in governing it excels at handling its affairs efficiently,
in its dealings it excels at making the most of its strong suits,
in its activities it excels at grasping opportunities.
It is only because it has the virtue of not engaging in contending that there will be no condemnation.
(Translation by Guyin Chen in The Annotated Critical Laozi, 2020)
There's a lot of information in that passage, and I previously wrote about this passage in another article called The Supreme Goodness is Like Water. In this article, I want to do a "deep dive" on water's exceptional ability to "flow".
When water encounters an obstacle, like a rock, it simply flows around the obstacle. As a result, neither the water nor the rock gets hurt. This is a completely different mindset than my previous one. Obstacles are external matters and people, and they are outside our control. Just because we want to remove or destroy an obstacle doesn't mean we actually can.
When we want something but can't get it, we become stuck. We stop flowing. It's analogous to being blocked by a rock because we ourselves are rigid and stiff like a rock. When rock collides against rock, what happens? Everyone gets hurt. Maybe even innocent bystanders get hurt by collateral damage, by the pieces that come flying out from the collision. This is analogous to us wanting someone or something to be different, but the external obstacle refuses to grant our wish, and then we get frustrated and angry, destroying our own peace of mind and dumping negative energy onto others. That’s quite miserable, no?
So then the big question is, how can we emulate water and continue flowing despite obstacles? The Chinese term 順 and Lao Zi's quote from earlier give us many insights. We need to practice
1: Follow Others' Wishes (Go With Their Flow)
As mentioned before, 順 means to follow others' wishes, to yield to them, to accord with them, to go in the same direction as them. If we go with the theme of water, we can think of it as "going with their flow" rather than "going against their flow".
Lao Zi's quote from earlier said water has "the virtue of not engaging in contending". That means if others want something that goes against my wishes, I don't feel the desire to fight with them. Instead, I can yield and follow their wishes (at least in the short-term). In this way, there is no contention, no collision.
This philosophical pill might be a bit of a hard one to swallow for many of us. We might think, "Seriously? I just have to yield and concede defeat and let them win?" If we think like that, our emotions will become blocked, and we will either explode or become mentally ill over the long-term. This is misinterpreting Lao Zi's meaning.
"Following others' wishes" is on the level of behavior. On a deeper level, at the level of our mind and intentions, we need to incorporate the virtues of softness, humility, kindness, tranquility, and tact. When the matter isn't a big deal, which is most of the time, we need to practice going with their flow. When the matter is truly a big deal, then we need to practice going with their flow for the time-being, and then redirecting their flow tactfully in the future. In this way, we will always be flowing.
2: Be Soft and Supple
In Chapter 76 of the Dao De Jing, Lao Zi said,
When people are alive, their bodies are soft and supple, when they are dead they become rigid and stiff.
When grasses and woods are growing, their shape and substance are soft and crisp; when they die, they become dry and withered.
So, strong and firm things belong to the same category as dead things, soft and supple things belong to the same category as living things.
Thus, stubbornly using soldiers (or resorting to arms) will invite extermination and death; trees that are large and solid invite cutting.
Everything that is strong and large does, paradoxically, belong to the lower positions; and everything that is soft and supple does, paradoxically, belong to the higher positions.
(Translation by Guyin Chen in The Annotated Critical Laozi, 2020)
In other words, if we want to be able to flow like water, we need to practice being soft and supple. When the body is soft, supple, and flexible, it can withstand external force without breaking.
Similarly, when the mind is soft, supple, and flexible, it can handle unsatisfactory matters and people without becoming frustrated, upset, or stressed, and this is true "winning" because we are in "the category of living things" and "paradoxically belong to the higher positions".
If instead, we have a stubborn personality, and we try to use strength and force to get what we want, to force things and people to obey us, then as Lao Zi says, we "paradoxically belong to the lower positions" and will "invite extermination and death".
Being soft and supple is to be adaptable and flexible. There is a great Stoic teaching from Marcus Aurelius that resonates with Lao Zi's teaching:
"While it's true that someone can impede our actions, they can't impede our intentions and our attitudes, which have the power of being conditional and adaptable. For the mind adapts and converts any obstacle to its action into a means of achieving it. That which is an impediment to action is turned to advance action. The obstacle on the path becomes the way."
To give an analogy, our GPS system is very adaptable. When we input a destination, the GPS calculates the best route for us. If there's a road closure and we need to take a different route, or if we simply choose to take a different route, the GPS doesn't complain or agonize about unexpected problems. It promptly recalculates another route for us that allows us to get to the same destination.
In summary, the supple and adaptable mind is living and flowing. The rigid and stubborn mind is dying and obstructed.
3: Be Humble
Lao Zi observed that water resides in the low places that "everyone detests". This symbolizes humility. Only arrogant people would think that they are "above" others, that others should obey them, that the world centers around them, or that they are definitely right and others are definitely wrong.
Many of us might think, "I'm not that arrogant". Arrogance has degrees. Even if we usually respect others and don't look down on others, if we encounter conflict and are unwilling to yield, that shows we still have some degree of arrogance. Realistically speaking, everyone has the habit of being arrogant to some degree, kind of like how so many people have the habit of slouching. Oftentimes, we aren't even aware of it until someone points it out to us.
A humble person views others as "above" them, and so they have respect for everyone.
To be clear, this does not literally mean everyone is above us in terms of their position. For example, parents are obviously above children, teachers are obviously above students, leaders are above followers, etc. But even in a position of higher power, we ought to keep a humble attitude, and that means focusing on improving myself rather than on demanding others or the environment to change.
As Confucius said,
“When walking with two other people, I will always find a teacher among them. I focus on those who are good and seek to emulate them, and focus on those who are bad in order to be reminded of what needs to be changed in myself.”
(Translation by Edward Slingerland in Confucius Analects, 2003)
When we keep a humble attitude, we no longer get frustrated and obstructed by matters and people who go against our wishes. Why? Because we are focused on how we can improve ourselves, which is totally in our control, rather than on how the external matter or person should be different, which is outside our control.
When humble people encounter problems, they don't think, "Ugh, why am I so unlucky? Why is nothing going my way?". They might think, "I'm not the king of the world. It's normal for things to not go according to my wishes. But I can learn and improve myself from this. This is necessary practice for me to improve my adaptability and resourcefulness."
When humble people encounter conflicts with others, they don't think, "You need to listen to me!" They might think, "They are my teacher. They are teaching me to notice my own faults. If I view them as stubborn and inconsiderate, then I probably am the same. After all, it takes two to argue. I need to correct myself, not demand them to change. As soon as I change, I gain a sense of ease and peace of mind."
Or they might think, "They are teaching me to notice my triggers. If they can so easily anger me by bringing up that topic, then that's my problem. If I want true freedom and peace of mind, I need to resolve my internal problems rather than always demand others to not talk about it."
As a result, a humble person is able to smoothly flow around all obstacles while improving themselves in the process. Despite their improvement, they always think that they still reside in a low position, thereby enabling their continued flow and growth. For more on humility, check out the article Fortune Favors The Humble.
4: Hold Kind Intentions
The purpose of following others' wishes should be to make them happy. Holding the intention to make others happy is kindness. Lao Zi said that "water excels at nourishing all things"; this is also kindness.
Some people might think, "Why should I let go of what I want to make others happy? Isn't that going to make me unhappy? Isn't sacrificing myself for others unsustainable?"
If we truly believe that we are sacrificing ourselves for others, then we will indeed be unhappy, and our emotions will feel blocked, and we will explode later or get mental illness. This would be misinterpreting Lao Zi's meaning.
Think about it: If we become happy at the expense of others' happiness, how long can you remain happy? How long will it be before others try to get back at you? If the people around you are unhappy, can you really feel happy and not be affected by their negative energy?
On the other hand, if we help others be happy, they would be very grateful to us, and they would give us positive energy. Humans have the natural tendency to feel good after helping others. Therefore, helping others be happy is truly helping ourselves to be happy.
Practicing kindness also helps us to dampen our ego and our stubborn attachment to I, to what I want, to what I think. This stubborn attachment to I is the root of our suffering and conflicts, and practicing "selflessness" (no I) is key to dampening that attachment.
The practice of kindness complements the practice of humility. Sometimes, when we help others, we have this attitude of "I'm helping you", as if they are in a low position and need our help, and we are in a high position with the power to help them or not. If we have this kind of attitude, then the other person may feel disrespected and unhappy. Therefore, we need to remember that real kindness is humble.
When we hold the intention of kindness, it's hard to get obstructed by others. If they don’t like something, we'll simply look for a different way to benefit them. We go with their flow rather than crash into them.
5: Be Tactful and Grasp Opportunities
By now, some people are probably wondering, "What if what they want is bad for them? What if what they want is really unreasonable? What if I really cannot give them what they want?"
Even in these situations, it's certainly not helpful if we are stubborn, rigid, and fight with them. That would be rock colliding against rock. Although we might not be able to grant them their wish, we can still "go with their flow" and "go with the flow of the situation" for the time being, and then later redirect their flow tactfully. It's kind of like in martial arts, if they throw a punch in our direction, we don't push in the opposite direction. Instead, we dodge it, then we take their fist and redirect it to a different direction (that's my imagination of martial arts anyway).
For example, let's say you and your partner are making plans for the winter holidays. Your partner really wants the two of you to go on a vacation to Japan. However, you really don't think it's a good idea because it's expensive, time-consuming, you guys don't know Japanese, and you're just not that interested in Japan. You'd much rather visit somewhere nearby and cheap for a shorter amount of time.
When you two are discussing, they bring up Japan. You don't need to accept their suggestion right away; if you have a different idea, it's certainly fine to propose it. Just propose it in a calm and non-confrontational way. For example, we might say, "I can see you're very interested in Japan, but I would prefer somewhere closer and cheaper. I'd like a short and sweet vacation nearby. Would you be OK with that?"
Now imagine they say, "We always go somewhere close and cheap. I've been talking about Japan for so many years now! Can't you just go with me and try it?"
We can clearly see that they are upset. In other words, they've become rigid and stiff like a rock. If we also become like a rock, we will collide with them, and everyone will get hurt. So we don't want to reply with annoyance and say, "That's because Japan is outside our budget and time! Besides, if we travel somewhere, it should be somewhere we both want to go, not just you alone!"
When the other person is like rock, we need to emulate water. We need to go with their flow and temporarily follow their wishes. We can respond by saying, "Oh I'm sorry for making you feel frustrated. You're right, I should give it some more serious thought. How about we both do some more research into the costs and time of the trip to see how feasible it is?"
The purpose of doing this is because we know that in their current mental state of opposition, they cannot accept our point of view; they'll just find every reason to assert their view. Moreover, if we want them to listen to us, then we also need to listen to them. Otherwise, they'll feel it's unfair that they always have to yield to us and we never yield to them. Therefore, we temporarily go with their flow and go with the flow of the situation. Later, when they've calmed down (and when we're calm), then we tactfully redirect their flow.
For example, we go and look up some flight tickets. We might say, "I looked for round-trip flights, and there really isn't any that is within our budget. I also looked up some major attractions, and they are spread out over multiple cities, so we might not have the time to see all of them. For the money we'd spend on a few days in Japan, we could pay a whole month of bills. What do you think?"
At this point, they are much less likely to oppose us or get upset because we've followed their direction and actually put in effort to fulfill their wish. Since they are not upset right now, they can listen to reason better, so we just bring up these objective facts and ask them to reconsider.
Another way of redirecting their flow is to find other ways to let them have what they want, but in a way that is more reasonable and feasible. For example, we could say,
"You know what, you're right. You've been talking about Japan for a few years now, and as your partner, I really should try harder to help you fulfill this dream. This year, I didn't prepare enough. Now that I realize how important this is to you, how about next year, we save $200 every month by eating out less and cutting out that Netflix subscription, and then at the end of the year, we use the money saved to go to Japan? Since we can't go this year, how about we do an anime marathon day instead? I'll accompany you to watch your favorite anime for a whole day."
Or you could seize the opportunity to make a deal. For example,
"I know you really want to go to Japan, and you know I don't really want to. But like you said, partners should help fulfill each other's wishes. How about we make a deal? If you agree to wash the dishes next year and save $100 per month, I'll agree to go to Japan with you at the end of next year."
When it comes to yielding, another important factor to consider is who plays the lead role and who plays the support role. The lead role should get more decision-making power because they are in the driver seat, and they have to bear most of the consequences. It would be inappropriate for someone in the passenger seat to interfere with the driver by trying to grab the steer wheel. However, the lead role should still try their best to be kind and patient in helping those in the support roles to accept the decision.
For example, my grandmother got injured recently and was in a lot of pain, so she wanted to get some western medicine injections to reduce the pain. When we searched up that injection, we read that it's just a short-term bandage solution, and that the pain will come back later, and the injection has bad side effects.
My parents and I tried to persuade her to see a Chinese medicine doctor in addition to western medicine. She refused and was insistent that Chinese medicine won't be of use and that it's a waste of money. We said we can pay for the treatments. She still refused.
My dad later called a Chinese medicine doctor friend and asked my grandma to talk to him. After the call, she got very angry and told my dad to drop the idea of Chinese medicine. I then discussed it with my dad, and we decided to just follow her wish. Why? Because she is in the driver seat of her life. We play supporting roles in the passenger seats. It would be inappropriate for us to force her to do something she doesn't want to do even if we think it's good for her.
Imagine if we forced her to get Chinese medicine treatment. She'll be very resentful. Even if she gets better, she'll think it could've been better without the Chinese medicine treatment. And if a problem arises during the Chinese medicine treatment, that'd be fire on top of fire. So even though we really hope she could add some Chinese medicine treatment with the western medicine treatment, we ultimately still have to go with her flow because she is the lead role.
But if she experiences negative side effects later, we can then seize the opportunity to bring up the idea of Chinese medicine again in a kind and humble manner. Moreover, we already got advice on what type of foods she should and should not eat in her situation, and we can cook these types of foods for her. This is giving her Chinese medicine treatment without needing to spend money on herbs or to see a Chinese medicine doctor.
The ways to practice tact and redirecting their flow are endless. The important thing is to grasp the essence of all these examples, which is to be adaptable, supple, humble, and kind. One more very important factor needed is wisdom, and wisdom comes from tranquility.
6: Maintain Tranquility
Lao Zi said that water "excels at preserving calmness and tranquility." If we want to be able to think of wise and tactful solutions to our problems, we have to practice maintaining a mental state of calmness and tranquility. Think about it: who has a clear and rational mind when they are overly emotional?
There are many ways to cultivate tranquility. One way is to have a daily meditation practice, and I explain this more in my article Meditation Is Worth It. By meditating daily, we practice maintaining a state of calm and tranquility both during the meditation and in daily life.
Moreover, all the virtues mentioned earlier all help us to cultivate tranquility. When we practice adaptability and softness, then when we encounter obstacles, we don't think, "Ugh I'm so annoyed! Why is this happening to me!" Instead, we can remain calm and think, "Obstacles are normal. How can I adapt to this?"
When we practice humility, we'll think, "What can I learn from this? How can I improve myself from this?"
When we practice kindness and selflessness, we'll think, "Their happiness is my happiness. I need to dampen my ego and prioritize harmony."
It's also important to keep the long-term perspective in mind. We can yield in the short-term to achieve a greater goal in the longer-term. This is going with their flow in the short-term and redirecting their flow later.
Conclusion
There's a Chinese idiom that goes,
"The unsatisfactory things in life make up eighty to ninety percent."
In other words, smooth sailing (or flowing) in life is not the norm. For most of us, encountering obstruction and resistance is the norm. Things don't go according to our wishes, and people don't behave according to our expectations. This is referring to the regularity of external obstacles.
But is our internal flow dependent on external flow? As we've seen, if we are rigid and stiff, then we'll frequently become obstructed, both emotionally and in terms of the matter. But if we can emulate water, our mind will be supple and adaptable, and we can freely flow around all these obstacles.
When the obstacle is another person, it's important to "go with their flow" and "go with the flow of the situation". This doesn't mean begrudgingly yielding to them. Rather, we cultivate our suppleness, humility, kindness, and wisdom through the process of going with their flow.
Usually, the matters are not a big deal, so it's even more so that we should go with their flow. On the rare occasion that the matter is a big deal, and we are confident that they have the wrong idea, then we can't keep going with their flow. We need to advise them. If they refuse to listen, then we yield in that moment, and we wait for a better time to try to redirect their flow with tact.
We also need to consider who's the lead role here. If they are the lead role, then our job is simply to advise, not to make the decision. If after listening to our advice, they still insist on their way, then we should yield because they are the ones responsible for the consequences, so they get the decision-making power.
If we are in the lead role, then we get the final say, but we still need to do our best to be kind and patient in persuading those in the support role; otherwise, there will be more obstacles in the future. While how others feel and what others do is outside our control, as long as we know we tried our best to be kind and respectful, we can have peace of mind and be at ease.
How can you have more flow in your life?
Weekly Wisdom #324
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