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In a previous post, I wrote about the topic "If You’re Not Improving, You're Degrading". That post focused on why we need to put conscious effort into our daily improvement, especially self-improvement. Doing so not only helps us to prevent problems and pain, but also to gain happiness, success, and harmonious relationships.
In terms of how to improve ourselves every day, I wrote about it in the post "Make A To-Be List". Basically, we need to have a list of goals, values, or standards that we evaluate ourselves against every day. I made my list in an excel journal and reflect on them every day. I call it my "merit-fault journal" because I give myself points (merits) for practicing them and demerits if I violate them.
(A screenshot from my merit-fault journal)
I personally have 10 things on my list, but you don't need to have that many. In fact, when we start out, it's best to have less. Even 1 is fine. Once we are stable in our practice of one matter, we can then add more. If we divert our energy on too many matters at once, we might not do a good job on any of them.
For me, even though I have a list of ten things, I actually focus on one matter at a time. The "Giving" row is my current matter of focus, which is why I've boxed it. The others are of secondary focus, or things that I've worked on in the past and want to maintain. The yellow cells indicate really important events that I want to review, which I do at the end of each month.
Just to be clear, not everyone needs to do a fancy excel journal like I do. A paper journal or an electronic note file on your phone works too. Whatever works for you is good for you. As long as we consciously try to practice these our values and goals each day, we will definitely improve. With this heightened awareness, we will notice when we violate these standards, and when that happens, we should reflect on why we did that and how to do better next time.
Recently, a classmate heard that I've been doing this merit-fault journal for a couple of years, and he was very surprised because he also tried to do it after reading Liao Fan's Four Lessons (one of my favorite books), but he stopped after a few weeks because he was finding too many mistakes and faults in himself, and it made him feel depressed. Hence, this post will be about how to do daily self-reflection so that it is uplifting rather than depressing.
I suspected that the reason this classmate felt depressed is not because of the merit-fault journal itself, but rather due to his attitude and way of thinking. Hence, instead of showing him my excel journal, which probably wouldn't solve the problem, I first asked him, "What's your goal with the merit-fault journal? Why did you start doing it?"
He said, "To improve my virtues and correct my faults."
I replied, "Really? But that goal sounds very positive, so why would you get depressed? Maybe you thought that was your goal, but on a more subconscious level, you really want to be flawless and not make any mistakes. That might be why you got depressed when seeing that you still have so many flaws after a few weeks."
He looked intrigued. I continued, "My intention with the merit-fault journal is simply to improve myself a little bit every day. I know I am not perfect and that I make mistakes every day, so when I find a mistake and record it, I don't feel terrible. I feel that making mistakes is normal, it's part of the improvement process, and it's the reason I started doing the merit-fault journal in the first place.
But since my goal is to improve, I will think about how to do better next time and write down a concrete action plan. Then, if a similar occasion arises in the future and I manage to do better, I congratulate myself on it. So doing the merit-fault journal makes me happy.
I also set goals for certain good habits I want to cultivate. For example, I spent many months trying to cultivate calmness and carefulness in daily life. At the beginning, I frequently had demerits because my mind is usually quite agitated. But that didn't discourage me. I know it's part of the change process. As time went on, slowly, I had some days where I had positive points, and after a month or so, my positive points became more stable. It takes time! Making mistakes is part of the improvement process, and seeing evidence of my improvement also makes me happy."
He nodded and said, "I guess the difference between us is in our attitude. I focused too much on my mistakes and felt bad about them, but you focus more on how to improve from mistakes and really make an effort to notice your improvement."
I said, "Exactly. What you focus on, grows. When you focus on your mistakes and simply stop there, you focus on the negative. Then you feel more negative and lose confidence in yourself. I don't ignore the negative. I am aware of my mistakes, but I don't stop there. I shift my focus towards the positive, towards how I can improve next time. Since I write down an action plan for how to do better next time, I feel good about myself for making good use of that mistake. If I encounter a similar situation in the future and correct my mistake, I get another dose of pleasure. So doing the merit-fault journal is a source of happiness for me, and it can be for you too. But you need to shift your attitude from being afraid of making mistakes to seeing them as opportunities to learn.
He replied, "OK can we do an example? Like if my parents misunderstand me and I get angry, this is a fault because I'm supposed to be respectful and filial towards my parents. How do I turn that into a positive thing?"
I said, "Great question. First, don't beat yourself up for making a mistake; making mistakes is inevitable; the important thing is how we respond to the mistake. Sure, you can give yourself a demerit for getting angry. But then you can use the philosophical teachings we've learned to give yourself therapy. After all, the root of our self-cultivation is not in our actions, but rather in cultivating our mind, in changing our thoughts from improper and unproductive thoughts to proper and productive thoughts. When our thoughts are corrected, our speech and behavior will naturally be corrected too.
For example, we've learned that the Way of Confucius is to take responsibility and give reciprocity. To take responsibility, you can think about your contribution to the conflict. What did you do that facilitated their misunderstanding towards you? What would you do differently next time to prevent them from having doubts towards you?
To give reciprocity, you can try to understand them more. Maybe they've been very stressed recently, resulting in a shorter temper. Or maybe they've often been criticized by others, and they didn't have good role models who taught them patience and empathy, so they aren't good at giving that to you. We get angry at others because we think they shouldn't be that way, but when you understand others more, you'll realize that their behavior has reasons, and your anger will subside.
When you talk to yourself using these philosophical teachings, that’s a merit. I can add a third teaching: karma. I've misunderstood them before, so of course they will misunderstand me back. That's karma. If I want them to give more understanding to me in the future, I need to give them more understanding now, and I need to accumulate until a tipping point for there to be noticeable results. That's also karma. After all of this, I get 1 demerit for getting angry and 3 merits for using 3 teachings in my self-therapy. Pretty good, no?"
He looked pretty persuaded, but he asked for another example, "What if I really don't want to do something, like my homework, so I procrastinate. And then later I have to rush it. How can I turn that into a positive thing?"
I said, "If I were you, I would try to set smaller goals for myself. Don't be greedy for fast and big results. Aim for reasonable results in reasonable time. Give yourself opportunities for small wins.
If I already don't like doing homework and have a habit of procrastinating, I wouldn't demand myself to suddenly be able to do all my homework in one sitting, or work for 2 hours non-stop on my homework when I don't feel like it. Instead, I would set a goal to just do my homework for 10 minutes when I don't feel like it. If I can't even do 10 minutes, then that's a demerit for weak self-discipline.
If I can do 10 minutes, then I get a merit, and I reward myself with a 10 minute break. After a few days, I might raise the bar to 20 minutes, then 30 minutes, and so on. Realistically, I know that after I start doing it, I'll probably want to finish a decent chunk, so I'll probably work longer than 10 minutes.
I would also reflect on why I don't want to do my homework and use the teachings we've learned. If I don't want to do the homework because I think it's boring or I just don't feel like it, then I would remind myself that if I want to be successful in life, I have to be able to endure boredom and discomfort, and the sooner I cultivate this ability, the sooner I'll be happier and more successful.
Or maybe it's because others are forcing me to do it, and I want to rebel against them. Then I would tell myself, rebelling against others is making me a slave to them. If I don't do my homework, I should have a better reason, like I have more important things to do right now, or I'm currently too tired but I'll be good after a short rest. I am in control of my feelings, not others.
Whatever your reason is, find a way to bring out proper thoughts using the philosophical teachings we've learned. Even if that doesn't change your attitude completely, it should at least improve it a bit, and that counts as a win."
He looked quite happy and hopeful at this point and said, "Wow, I never thought it that way. I'm definitely going to re-try doing the merit-fault journal again with this new attitude."
Conclusion
If we're not consciously improving ourselves, we'll degrade, and what gets tracked, gets done; hence the importance of daily self-reflection towards our goals and values. I personally use excel to keep a detailed merit-fault journal, but not everyone has to. Whatever tool or method helps you to self-reflect and persist with this habit is good for you. In terms of attitude, we should remember that making mistakes is normal and inevitable; the important thing is how we react to them. To enjoy the daily reflection, we should extract lessons out of mistakes, turn negative thoughts into productive ones, and look for and celebrate our improvement.
Weekly Wisdom #305
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