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Recently I went to visit my grandma in China again. Just as before, my grandma always gives me stuff to eat, saying, “I know you like to eat these! Here, eat some!”
When I say I’m full, she’ll say, “It’s OK, you’re young, you’ll digest it in no time.”
But I was mentally prepared this time. I didn’t prepare methods though. After all, I don’t know what matters will come up. But I did prepare an attitude, which is to be like water: flow around rocks (problems); don’t fight them head on.
At meals, I would eat slower, so that when she inevitably says “Eat more!” I wouldn't be so full already. Secondly, if I’m already full, I’ll say, “I’m kind of full, but I’ll eat a little bit more.” This way, she doesn’t feel like I rejected her loving intention. I’ll also give some to my parents and say, “This is really delicious! Have some!”
One time, my grandma brought home three baskets of strawberries, and we already had two baskets at home. We really did not want to eat so many strawberries. But I didn’t get annoyed. I’m sure my grandma has loving intentions. It’s strawberry season, there are lots of strawberries, she thinks strawberries are delicious, so she wants to buy lots for me to eat. I understood her.
Since I was calm about the situation, I was able to think of a solution: make strawberry sauce and put it in the fridge to extend the shelf life. I told grandma about my idea, and this indirectly communicated to her that she bought too many strawberries, but there’s no energy of blame at all.
Another time, we went to a night market. She noticed I bought teppanyaki tofu, and I said I like it. After I already ate a bucket, she came back with two more buckets. I already had enough from that one bucket, but I ate another bucket. The third bucket I really couldn’t eat, so I simply brought it home, saying I want to eat it later.
While we were walking to the bus stop, a fruit seller passed by, and my grandma wanted to buy fruit for us. My dad said sure, but my mom and I said no. She still bought fruit for all of us. I told my mom “It’s fine, just put it in the bag and take it home.” We ate them the next day.
Another time, my grandma bought some chicken burgers. My dad said, “These have meat. Your grandson doesn’t eat meat.” She said, “No these are vegetarian burgers. I know he doesn’t eat meat.”
I checked the package and said, “Grandma, these do have meat. They’re chicken burgers.”
My dad said, “He can eat burgers anytime in Canada. No need to give him burgers here.”
My grandma looked a bit disappointed. Later at lunch, I saw she heated up two burgers. I was quite surprised because she usually doesn't eat very much. I guessed she wanted to get rid of these burgers quickly to free up fridge space. I told her, “Grandma! I like the burger buns. Can you give them to me?” Then I happily ate the burger buns, which had mayonnaise and corn on them. Over the next few days, she ate all the chicken patties while I ate all the buns.
I also took initiative to cook, and I was very happy to be able to give back to grandma, especially when I cooked something that I was proud of and that she really liked. One time, while she was eating my cooking, she said, “I’m full, but it’s so tasty I can’t stop eating it.”
I told her, “Grandma, don’t eat too full. It’s best to eat until 80% full.”
This way, I’m indirectly telling her that my view on healthiness is to eat until 80% full, but I didn’t do it in opposition to her request for me to eat more. I also realized that if she keeps eating while full, she probably thinks it's normal and fine to do so, which is why she always says to me, "It's OK if you're full. Eat some more!"
Conclusion
Contemporary stoic Ryan Holiday said,
"Be aware of that today when you're going to work, going on a date, deciding whom to vote for, calling your parents in the evening, waving to your neighbor as you walk to your door, tipping the delivery man, saying goodnight to someone you love. All of that is philosophy."
To that list, I add "handling grandma's requests for me to eat more in a tactful way that makes her happy even though I'm already full". This visit, there were still a few times where I wasn’t careful and ended up eating too much, but overall, I’m quite satisfied with my ability to appreciate my grandma’s loving intentions while also tactfully handling the amount of food I actually ate.
Do you ever receive well-intentioned requests that bring you burden or inconvenience? How can you handle it in a tactful way?
Weekly Wisdom #332
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