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Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in Canada, so in honour of that, this article is about gratitude. On a previous Thanksgiving, I wrote about five things we can be grateful for in our daily lives, which are our parents, teachers, country, all workers in society, and Mother Nature. This year's article is going to be a bit more advanced. It's about elevating our gratitude.
Image Source: Unsplash
A couple years ago, I saw this quote from Venerable Jing Kong:
"Living in a world of gratitude:
Be grateful to those who've hurt you because they strengthened your will.
Be grateful to those who've lied to you because they increased your insight.
Be grateful to those who've mistreated you because they eliminated your negative karma.
Be grateful to those who've abandoned you because they taught you to become self-sufficient.
Be grateful to those who've impeded you because they elevated your ability.
Be grateful to those who've reprimanded you because they grew your emotional stability and wisdom.
Be grateful to all those who've made you determined to succeed."
This quote is from the book The Exemplary Role Modeling of Venerable Jing Kong, and in that book, one of his students said that Venerable Jing Kong wrote this quote after basically being stabbed in the back and treated really unjustly. This quote is a reflection of his attitude and moral cultivation: he was able to write those words because those things really happened to him, and that's how he truly feels about those people.
When I first read this quote, I thought to myself, "Woah there. OK. That's pretty intense. That is really advanced gratitude. If those things happened to me and people treated me like that, I'd definitely be upset and angry." Although I really respected Venerable Jing Kong, I felt his level was way too high for me.
Later, I read this quote from Stoic philosopher Epictetus:
"Who then is invincible? The one who cannot be upset by anything outside their reasoned choice."
It reminded me of Venerable Jing Kong. Despite encountering people who've mistreated him, impeded him, criticized him unfairly, lied to him, etc. He didn't get upset at them. Instead, he strengthened his virtues and elevated his ability and wisdom, which is why he is thankful to them. Isn't that what Epictetus means by being "invincible"?
Suddenly, I felt a desire to emulate Venerable Jing Kong. I want to be invincible like that too. But how can I achieve that goal? Both Stoicism and Buddhism teach us to focus on what we can control, which is ourselves, and let go of the rest, which is other people and our environment. If we demand others to be or not be a certain way, we will get upset and suffer. If we let go of demands towards others and instead demand ourselves to be adaptable, to make the best use of every situation, then we become "invincible" as Epictetus says. I can understand this in theory, but the hard part is the actual practice.
It's kind of like learning a sport. I can understand the rules in theory, but when I actually go and practice it, I trip and fall and make lots of mistakes. But each time I fall, I have to get back up and keep practicing because I want the reward. I don't want to be a slave to my emotions, especially to anger. I want the feeling of freedom and serenity that comes with being my own master. I want the joy of having good relationships and wisdom. Thus, I've been cultivating my virtues these past few years.
About a week ago, I was reading a lecture from Venerable Jing Kong, and he said,
"Being indignant towards others is one of the most severe obstacles to enlightenment. The enlightened mind is the mind of equality [equal respect towards all]. Many people have asked me about this problem. My advice: you know how you prostrate [bow down] to the Buddha every day as an expression of respect? Think of the person whom you cannot stand the most. Put that person's picture or name on the table beside the Buddha figure, then prostrate to that person every day. The goal is to change your mentality from detest to respect…Do this until you do not get upset at the sight of that person, but instead feel respect, then you'll have succeeded. This will have tremendous benefits for you."
I thought to myself, "This totally echoes what Epictetus said about being invincible. Indeed, why should I let others make me feel upset? I alone am responsible for my feelings, so I need to master them. I am willing to try out this method. I don't really have anyone that I can't stand or detest, but there are certainly lots of people that have made me feel upset or annoyed. I can try prostrating to them every day and see if anything changes in me."
My Practice
Thus, every day this past week, I spent around five to ten minutes thinking about people who've made me upset or annoyed, and I prostrated to them one-by-one.
(How to Prostrate. Image Source.)
(Note: If this action feels too strange for you, then simply speaking words of appreciation and respect to their image in our mind works too.)
When I bow down, I also say thank you to them because gratitude helps to bring out feelings of respect towards them. This is also emulating the spirit of Venerable Jing Kong. Below are the things I've said during this process.
1: Impolite People
Thank you to impolite people because you let me realize how strongly I demand others to have politeness. It is precisely this demand towards others that is the cause of my suffering, and I need to let go of this demand to attain serenity. At the same time, I should demand myself to be more understanding towards others.
They might not have negative intentions. They probably think their behavior is normal. No one does things that they think are wrong or stupid. So I shouldn't get so upset and think that they are being rude on purpose. If I want others to improve, then I need to set a good example myself first.
2: People Who Don't Keep Their Word
Thank you to those who didn't keep their word to me. For example, I was really upset at a past boss for going back on his word. I only accepted his contract based on the agreed on conditions, but he later changed his demands, and I unhappily complied. Looking back, I now see that I didn't need to get so upset. Getting that upset doesn't help the situation. Getting upset only makes me suffer and reduces my ability to find an effective solution. Why didn't I just remain calm and view the other person as a friend who'd be willing to help me if I communicate my situation and difficulties? That would have been much more effective than viewing them as an enemy.
The root of my anger is my demands towards others. I demand others to keep their word. But who actually keeps their word 100% of the time?
Pretty much nobody, myself included. So don't be so demanding towards others! Being demanding towards yourself instead. Being more understanding towards others. That boss has his difficulties and considerations too. He is a rational human being with feelings, and if I communicate respectfully and sincerely, he would respond positively.
3: People Who Criticize Before Understanding
Thank you to those who've criticized me without understanding me first. You helped me realize how much I absolutely hate being wrongfully criticized. It is precisely my desire to not be unfairly criticized by others, which is outside of my control, that brings me so much suffering. If I let go of this desire, and instead focus on having a peaceful conscience (which is in my control), then my emotional stability and serenity would leap to new levels.
After all, it's extremely common for people to jump to conclusions. I've done it too. So I shouldn't be so surprised or upset when others do it to me. Moreover, people have trouble understanding themselves. If they can't even understand themselves, how can they possibly understand me?
Furthermore, most people have lots of worries and stress nowadays. Thus, when they encounter obstacles in life, they might over-react. If I get caught in their collateral damage (venting anger on me), I don't need to react so strongly. I can be more understanding towards their suffering and not blame them, but instead try to help ease their stress. Finally, if I want others to practice empathy and patiently try to understand me, I have to role model that to them first. Otherwise, they won't know how to do it, nor would they have the motivation to do it.
4: People With Sensitive Egos
Thank you to those with a really sensitive ego who've criticized me for being arrogant. Thanks to you, I improved my sensitivity to others feelings. If it weren't for you, I would continue to unintentionally offend others and create enemies without even knowing it. I also learned the importance of humility, which has been very beneficial for my relationships and self-improvement.
5: People Who Delay My Time
Thank you to those who've delayed my time because you taught me the importance of leaving cushion time and having backup plans. In our current society, it's common for people to be late to meetings, to go overtime in meetings, or to talk in a long-winded manner. I should know this and plan accordingly rather than get annoyed. The root of my annoyance is my demand, not their actual behavior. I am not able to be punctual all the time either, so I certainly shouldn't demand it from others.
Results
Over the past week, I've had noticeable results. But since I've been cultivating my virtues and character for a few years now, I can't say these results are solely from the practice of bowing down to those people that have upset me, but I can say that this practice made me feel more respect to those people, and now when I encounter those types of people, I am more conscious of my goal to not be influenced by them.
Example 1: Rude Drivers
One time I was jogging in my neighbourhood, and as I was crossing a street, a car rushed to turn into that street right in front of me. According to traffic laws, that driver should have waited for me to finish crossing the street, but he didn't. Another time, I was driving on the main road, and a driver on a side road turned into my lane when he should have waited for me to pass first, causing me to have to hit my brakes.
In the past, I would've criticized those drivers for being rude and dangerous. But this time, I told myself, "I literally just bowed down to impolite people this morning to express my gratitude. I'm not going to let others' bad behavior take away my peace of mind. What others do is their matter. How I feel is my matter. I'm just going to assume they had an emergency and were really in a rush."
Example 2: Unfair Criticism
Another time, I was wrongfully criticized in class by a teacher. While I was listening to the teacher, I actually felt a bit confused because what he said wasn't true. But I thought to myself, "Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe what he said is true. I'll just accept his criticism right now and then check after class. I'm not going to explain myself immediately because I don't want to discourage him from giving me advice in the future." Interestingly, after my teacher finished criticizing, my classmate stood up for me and said I didn't make that mistake, that the teacher must have misunderstood. But even if my classmate didn't stand up for me, I wouldn't have felt unhappy.
Just yesterday, I felt unfairly criticized by my mom. Basically, she agreed to go to a new restaurant with my grandpa and I for a Thanksgiving meal. My mom is really sensitive to MSG and gets very thirsty if the restaurant's food has MSG. I knew we were taking a risk, but my grandpa wanted to try this new restaurant, and my mom agreed, so I felt like she wouldn't complain if she gets thirsty. What happened? Afterwards, she indeed got really thirsty, and she complained about me and my grandpa for always wanting her to accompany them to new restaurants.
In the past, I would've complained back and said, "But you agreed to this beforehand! It's not fair that you blame us afterwards."
But that time, I told myself, "She is complaining because she is suffering from the discomfort of being really thirsty and having to drink so much water nonstop. I shouldn't demand others to be understanding and reasonable towards me, let alone someone who is suffering from discomfort. If I argue back, then I'm just adding fuel to her fire. When she complains and criticizes unfairly, she is the one in need of care and understanding."
Thus, I said to her, "I'm sorry. We didn't mean to pressure you, and we certainly don't want to make you so thirsty afterwards. Although we didn't intend it, it happened, and for that, I'm sorry."
She immediately softened up and replied, "Never mind. It's also my fault for eating so much of it. It was really tasty, but I should be more careful to not eat so much if I am worried about getting thirsty afterwards."
Example 3: Not Abiding By Time Agreements
One day I had an evening class that should be from 9PM to 10PM. That day, a classmate was presenting, and afterwards, everyone gave the presenter feedback. This classmate should have finished his presentation by 9:30, but he didn't finish until 9:45. Then people started giving feedback. Most people were conscious of the time and gave short feedback, but one classmate was really long-winded. He also raised his hand multiple times to add more to what he said in the past. The presenter also didn't seem to care about going overtime, and he kept letting everyone share their thoughts despite the class time already being over. We didn't finish class until 10:20.
In the past, I would've gotten annoyed because I was tired and wanted to sleep. But I endured my sleepiness and tried to be understanding. My classmates are all in Asia, and they are having an interesting discussion, so going overtime feels worth it to them. When I understood this, I felt happy for their enjoyable discussion together rather than demanding them to abide by time agreements.
I also had a few calls with different friends this past week, and two of them were late. When I messaged them at the pre-agreed upon time, they didn't reply. At this point, I told myself, "It's common for people to be busy and lose track of time. People also don't learn about etiquette nowadays, so I shouldn't expect them to message me beforehand that they might be late or apologize for being late."
When one friend replied me, she indeed did not apologize for being late. But I didn't get annoyed or blame her in my mind. The other friend actually asked me if I could call one hour later because something came up at the last minute. Again, I told myself to not get annoyed by other people's behavior because only I am in charge of my feelings. Besides, she doesn't want to delay me either, but no one can control random emergencies. I told her yes. An hour later, I decided to wait for her to message me first. She didn't message me for another 15 minutes. The whole time, I remained calm and just did other work while waiting.
Conclusion
We all want to have stable emotions and happiness in life. Getting upset at others is one of the biggest obstacles to this goal. We have to realize that what others do is their matter, but how we feel is our matter. We ought to stop blaming others and outside circumstances for making us feel unhappy. Instead, we need to take responsibility for our feelings and seek to master them. This power is in our hands.
A great way to do this is to view those people whom we dislike as teachers. How so? Because they help us to see our demands towards others and the world, and it is precisely those demands within us that make us unhappy. Once we see those demands and how unreasonable or unpractical they are, we can practice letting go.
Bowing down or prostrating to those people is one way to cure our feelings of anger or annoyance towards others (this article features other ways). By bowing down to them, we are showing our respect and gratitude, and this action repeated over time will help us to truly feel that way towards them. If this action feels too strange for you, then simply speaking words of appreciation and respect to their image (in real life or in our mind) or name works too.
With time and practice, we too can feel like we're living in a world of gratitude, and we'll naturally let go of demands towards the people whom we used to get upset at. When this happens, we'll feel a sense of liberation, like a rope has been untied from our mind, or a weight has been lifted from our heart. We'll attain a serene, stable feeling of ease and happiness, and we won't get upset so easily at similar situations in the future. Is this not a goal worth striving for?
Weekly Wisdom #311
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