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Everyone knows how to listen, right? Well, although we have ears, that doesn't equate to being able to listen effectively. How can we judge our listening skills? According to the International Listening Association, if we have strong listening abilities, we would have
Good relationships
Effective conflict resolution (for relationships)
Effective problem solving (for matters)
Reduced stress (misunderstandings are stressful!)
Increased productivity (bad communication wastes time; doing the wrong work wastes time)
Trust (people trust someone who is good at listening)
Personal growth (good listening skills help us to learn and improve)
I also remember an important lesson that one of my mentors in business school taught me:
"In every facet of life, whether you realize it or not, you’re selling your ideas to other people. If you want others to do something, you have to sell them on it. The greatest sales technique in the world is listening. Listen to the other person, figure out what they want, and show them how what you offer helps them get what they want."
Looking at all those signs and benefits of effective listening, we can then ask ourselves, "Do I need to work on my listening abilities?" I don't know about you, but I certainly do! So how can we improve our listening ability? First, we need to know and remove obstacles to effective listening.
Here is a great analogy:
Imagine you want to pour water into a cup.
If the cup is covered with a lid, or if the cup is upside down, then water cannot go in. First, we have to remove the lid and place the cup upright so that the water can go in. But if the cup is dirty, then the water that goes in will also become dirty. Worse, if the cup has poison in it, then the water that goes in will become poison. So we have to make sure our cup is clean and empty. Third, if the cup has a hole at the bottom, then the water that goes in will leak out, so we also have to make sure the cup doesn't have any holes.
Take a minute to make the connection between that analogy and our listening abilities. Then keep reading.
This analogy tells us three major obstacles to effective listening. The first one is simply not listening to them. Perhaps we were daydreaming, multitasking, or thinking about other things while they were talking. Or perhaps we're just not interested in listening. Or we just don't care about them enough.
The second obstacle is having a bad attitude, such as prejudice and arrogance. There is a phenomenon called confirmation bias, and it means people have a tendency to only pay attention to information that confirms their existing beliefs. When it comes to listening, prejudice is like poison. For example, if we believe they are the problem, that they need to change and apologize, then no matter what they say, we won't feel understanding and empathy towards them, we'll just keep blaming them. Or we hold on to too many of their past faults and negative impressions in our minds, such that before they even speak, we already believe they're going to be just like before. This kind of attitude really poisons relationships.
Another example is having a sensitive ego, such that when others criticize us, we feel uncomfortable and defend ourselves. When it comes to matters, a bad attitude is being stubborn about our way of doing things, such that when others suggest or request a different way, we negate them without giving their suggestion a fair chance. In all these situations, the probably isn't what the other person said, the problem is our attitude.
The third obstacle is forgetfulness. For example, the other person asked us to do three things, and we forgot one of them. Or we listened to a one-hour class or meeting, but afterwards, we forgot a lot of the content. Or sometimes we remember to have a good listening attitude, which builds trust with them, but other times we forget, which results in that trust going down the drain.
Now that we know the obstacles to effective listening, the next question is how to overcome these obstacles. Below are eight important methods.
1: Be motivated to listen.
Imagine I told you, "If you can remember all the key messages I say in the next half an hour, I will give you a million dollars." Do you think you'd be able to do it?
So motivation is critical. To raise our motivation, we can remind ourselves of the importance of effective listening mentioned at the beginning of this article. Having happy relationships is not something money can buy, and the joy of happy relationships is arguably better than anything money can buy. Good relationships are priceless. On the other hand, conflicts and misunderstandings are a major source of stress for us, and a big reason for these conflicts is our ineffective listening.
Aside from the importance of listening, we can also remind ourselves of why we care about the other person. Listening to them is an act of love and care, so when we remember that we care about them, we'll feel more motivated to listen better.
2: Be present and focused.
When the other person is speaking, we need to guard our mind against wandering off and thinking about other things. To help us focus, we should pay attention to not just hearing their words, but also pay attention to their facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. Really try to hear the deeper meaning behind their words; hear what's not being said.
3: Confirm your understanding.
After they finish speaking, we can check if we understood them correctly. This refers to both the content of their speech as well as their feelings and any unspoken messages. For example, we might say,
"I'd like to check that I understood you correctly. Your meaning is…"
"It looks to me like you are feeling…"
"I'd like to check that I got all the main points you mentioned. They are…right?"
When we do this, we reduce the risk of misunderstandings by inviting them to clarify. Moreover, others will feel very respected and happy.
4: Write important things down and review them.
If the other person asked us to do something or to remember certain things, we can show our respect and carefulness by promptly writing it down. When we write it down, it's also a good time to check our understanding.
If necessary, we should also review what we wrote at appropriate times. For example, in a meeting, we should take meeting notes. Then before the next meeting or conversation, we can review the notes. This way, during the next meeting or conversation, we can say, "I remember in the previous meeting/conversation you told me XZY. I've already acted on that, and here is my update/progress report."
5: Be respectful and polite.
Respect is arguably the most basic element to effective listening. All the methods mentioned in this article relate to respect.
Respect is an attitude, while politeness refers to our actions. We should also abide by rules of etiquette and basic politeness. For example, we shouldn't interrupt them, slouch, or do other things while they are talking. If we truly view them as important, we would listen to them until they are finished speaking and pay careful attention to what they are saying. We would also sit or stand straight, face them, and make eye contact while they are talking. These actions all help us to raise our respect and attention.
6: Let go of prejudice and any negative emotions.
Wayne Dyer said,
"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
Similarly, if we change our attitude towards others, they become a different person in our eyes, and their words will have different meaning to our ears. So don't be a cup with dirt or poison inside. Let go of past negative impressions. Don't think it's going to be the same as always. Don't try to predict what they will say. Listen with an open mind and try to give them kindness and understanding just like you would to a good friend.
7: Focus on understanding others.
A lot of people will think about what they're going to say next while the other person is talking. This is a bad habit that hinders us from effective communication. If we plan a response when they haven't even finished talking, then our response will likely miss the mark.
If we instead focus on understanding them, then when they finish speaking, we will naturally be able to respond in an appropriate way. Like any habit, it takes practice and time to change, so don't fret if you got distracted again. Just focus on bringing that attention back to the other person.
When it comes to conflicts and misunderstandings, it's even more important to focus on understanding others. In Book 1 Chapter 16 of The Analects of Confucius, Confucius said,
"Do not worry about others not understanding you. Worry about not understanding others."
This runs contrary to our natural inclinations, but our natural inclinations here are harmful. Why? Because in a conflict, if we are always focused on ourselves, on trying to protect our self-image, on telling others how they misunderstood us, then we are bringing an attitude of opposition to the conversation. This is analogous to being a cup with poison inside. When they try to explain themselves and seek our understanding, we'll feel like they don't understand us, and we'll argue with them and negate their feelings. This creates more and more conflict.
If we instead let go of the desire to be understood, at least temporarily, and focus on letting them feel understood, then we can turn an argument into a harmonious and productive conversation. Once they feel understood, they'll feel grateful and touched, and then they'll be willing to understand us back. It only takes one person's attitude shift to create a harmonious and productive conversation, and there's only one person's attitude we can control.
8: Resist the urge to advise or lecture others.
Do you know anybody who always likes to give other people advice or lecture others? When you talk to them, you might not even be looking for advice, but then they start advising you. Or maybe you are looking for advice, but before you could fully explain yourself, they start advising you. Or perhaps they finished listening to you, but once they start advising you, they can't stop talking, or they are really pushy with their advice.
In Book 4A Chapter 23 of the book Mencius, the Chinese philosopher Mencius said,
"The trouble with people lies in their liking to advise others."
The problem isn't the matter of advising others. The problem is the attitude of liking to advise others because this type of attitude lacks respect and consideration for others. It is also one of arrogance and self-centeredness. One who is fond of advising others thinks that they are really wise and that their advice is definitely right, which can make them seem pushy in the eyes of others.
Moreover, since they enjoy giving advice so much, they can't resist the urge to cut the other person off and say, "I already know your problem. Let me tell you how to solve it." This is quite rude, and the other person will feel disrespected and not understood. If we want to be an effective listener, we have to let go of the desire to advise others and focus on letting them feel understood.
Another situation I've encountered is when the other person is just looking to vent their emotions and get some affirmation and understanding. After they finish explaining their situation, I start telling them what they should do to solve their problem. Then they get upset. When this happened to me, I thought to myself, "You told me your problem, and I gave you advice. Isn't this normal? Why are you upset?" But if I were more sensitive to other people's feelings, I'd realize they aren't looking for a solution, they already know what they should do, but they have emotions to vent, and they are purely looking for affirmation and understanding.
Just to be clear, this does not mean we cannot give others advice. The problem is not the matter, it's the attitude. Usually, if others didn't even ask us for advice, yet we are eager to give advice, this is a troublesome attitude. But if they finished speaking and asked us for our advice, it's obviously suitable and natural for us to give some advice. Of course, we need to guard against being pushy or talking excessively.
If they didn't ask us for our advice, but we feel there's something important we need to tell them, then we can also ask them if they'd like our advice. We might say, "There's something important that I want to tell you. Can I tell you now?" or "I have some advice that you could consider. Would you like to hear it?" Notice how the wording is very humble and respectful.
Conclusion
Just because we have ears that can hear doesn't mean we have good listening abilities. In fact, most of us were probably never taught how to listen well, which is quite problematic given how important listening is to our lives. Therefore, it is up to us to learn and practice good listening. As for other people, the best thing we can do is to role model good listening to them (as opposed to getting upset at them and demanding them to be better listeners when we ourselves have the same problem).
This article talked about three major obstacles and eight methods for effective listening. Ultimately, the most important factor is our attitude: if we are motivated to listen, if we respect them and care about them, then we will naturally listen well, and we would enjoy many rewards, such as happier relationships, better problem solving, reduced stress, and personal growth. Let's all do our part to contribute to a world of good listeners.
Weekly Wisdom #316
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