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Do you know anyone who is very capable and has many strengths? Do you ever feel pressured around them? As if they are judging you, or as if other people are always comparing you to them?
There’s a great teaching from Liao Fan’s Four Lessons:
“Don’t let your strengths overshadow others. Don’t let your goodness make others look bad. Don’t let your great abilities trouble others.”
(Translation: Self. Original Text: 勿以己之長而蓋人；勿以己之善而形人；勿以己之多能而困人。)
If someone with great ability makes you look bad or expects you to be just as capable as them, how would you feel? You’d probably dislike this person and want to avoid them. So we mustn't be this kind of person. The thing is, people often unintentionally make others feel bad, and they don’t even realize it. Thus, we have to be aware and vigilant against these faults. Below are some of my experiences practicing these spirit of these teachings.
Example 1: Don't let your abilities pressure others
When I was studying in a Sinology program in China this past year, I was the only native English speaker. But in each course, we have assignments that need to be done in English, so my classmates were interested in improving their English. However, I never start a conversation in English with them because I don’t want to pressure them. I wait for them to start speaking English to me first. Even then, I speak simple English and give them lots of encouragement.
If there’s a classmate who shows a lot of eagerness to practice English and asks me to speak more English with them, then I might take initiative to speak English to them; In this situation, I’m sure they’ll feel happy, not stressed.
Example 2: Don't let your successes make others feel bad
I recently heard a story of two classmates. The first classmate saw a big spider and freaked out. The second classmate said, “Don’t be so scared. I used to be scared of spiders too, but I trained myself to get over it.”
The first classmate felt even worse afterwards. The second classmate didn’t mean to make her classmate feel worse; in fact, she probably wanted to give her classmate encouragement. This is why we need to be more sensitive about how others might interpret our words and whether what we say is appropriate to that situation. Don’t let your good points make others feel bad.
Example 3: Don't let your goodness highlight others' deficiencies
At my school, we have morning meditation at 5:40AM and then school cleaning at 6:15AM. Sometimes, some classmates are too tired and don’t come. Some classmates even regularly don’t come. Each room has multiple students assigned to clean it. My room has two other classmates assigned. There were multiple times where one or both of them didn’t come.
In these situations, I never took initiative to tell others that my cleaning partners didn’t come, as if I’m the only responsible one and they aren’t. I understand that they have their difficulties, and the school teachers know who came and didn’t come. One time, I saw another room had no one to clean it. I took initiative to clean it, but I didn’t broadcast that I did it. I have the time and ability to help my classmates, so of course I should do it; it's nothing special.
Example 4: Don't let your high abilities trouble others
One time during school cleaning, one classmate was in charge of wiping the windows with a wet towel, while the second classmate was in charge of wiping the windows with a dry towel. Afterwards, the windows would be very clean. It's much faster and easier to wipe with the wet towel, so the first classmate went really fast. The second classmate took his time to really clean the windows properly with the dry towel.
As a result, some of the windows got dry with water marks before the second classmate reached that window. This is an example of not being considerate enough towards others. The fist classmate should go at a pace that is suitable for the second classmate to keep up. This isn't just for the purpose of avoiding dry water marks on the windows, it's also to not give pressure to the first classmate, as if he's too slow in drying the windows.
Since the first classmate was only focused on doing his job as quickly as possible, he might have been trying to show off his speed and ability. As a result, he created more trouble to the both of them because they have to re-wipe the windows with dry water marks.
Example 5: Don't use your high standards to judge and pressure others
A classmate once asked me what I think about vegan mock meat. I said, “I think it’s good. Why?”
He said, “There’s a classmate who says that people who still desire the taste of meat don’t truly love animals, and their minds are not truly pure.”
(For context: a lot of Chinese Buddhists eat vegetarian because they don't want to harm living beings, and also because they want to cultivate a pure mind free of desires, such as desire for delicious flavor.)
I said, “He shouldn’t use his high standards to pressure others. It’s fine for him to have high standards for himself, but he needs to be more considerate towards others. Being vegetarian or vegan is already a very kind and noble thing to do. If he criticizes these people for not being kind enough, then that’s rather arrogant and unkind of him. A considerate person would encourage others to make small changes step-by-step and out of their own willingness, not demand others to go completely vegan with no vegan mock meat right away.”
Conclusion
We all have our strengths and good points, but it's important to consciously remain humble and sensitive towards others feelings so as to not make others feel bad and harm the relationship. Often, people make these mistakes unintentionally, so conscious effort is needed on our part. At the beginning, we might not realize our mistake until after the event is over. That's normal. But as long as we keep reflecting on ourselves and trying to improve, over time, we will greatly improve our emotional intelligence and relationships.
Weekly Wisdom #299