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Recently, I visited some friends in Shanghai. One of my friends is a very happy go-lucky type of person. I haven't seen her since I left Shanghai a few years ago, and she told me that she feels less positive now because she feels a bit stuck in her career, that Shanghai is too busy and fast-paced, and she wants a change of environment, maybe even move to Japan for a while.
When I heard this, I had the feeling that changing environments would only give her temporary excitement (dopamine boost), but after a while, she'll return to her normal state, and maybe even feel withdrawal symptoms. Moreover, moving to Japan doesn't sound cheap, so I really wanted her to think it over more thoroughly before making such a decision.
I asked her, "So what makes you happy then? What do you really like to do?"
She said, "I really like to travel."
I asked "Why?"
She said, "Because I get to experience new things and environments during travel."
I said, "I think you might be confusing external stimulation with internal joy. External stimulation are things like delicious food, gaming, alcohol, TV, travel, etc. They give us this temporary high, but afterwards, we'll feel down again. It's like a temporary distraction from our troubles. But what we really want is internal, long-lasting joy. Once you've experienced internal joy, you'll feel like external stimulation is second-rate.
In my studies on ancient philosophies, I've learned from Mencius that there are three main sources of internal joy. First is happy relationships, especially with family. Most of our chronic emotional suffering comes from relationship problems, and most of our long-term joy comes from having good relationships. Second is a guilt-free conscience, in knowing that we always do the morally right thing. When we have a guilt-free conscience, we can sleep easy at night and look at ourselves directly in the mirror without shame. Third is helping others. Oh, and Socrates gave another source of internal joy, which is our own growth and improvement.
Let's start with relationships. Out of all the relationships, the relationships with our parents is most fundamental. So how are your relationships with your parents now?"
She told me that her relationship with her mom is fine, but she's been having conflict with her father for a while because her father has a lot of expectations and gives her a lot of pressure to do things that she feels like aren't practical or achievable, and she feels like it's very hard to communicate with him.
I then chatted with her a lot about her attitude towards her parents and tried to help her bring feelings of appreciation, understanding, love, and respect towards her father. For example, she said that her father wants her to find a boyfriend and get married soon, but it's not that easy.
I asked her, "So what did you say to him in that conversation?"
She said, "I told him it's not that easy. It's not like I can just find any man off the street and get married. Besides, I don't need a man to be happy."
I said, "It sounds to me like you're holding an attitude of opposition towards your dad. Perhaps you feel like your dad is a bit unreasonable and doesn't understand you enough. Holding an attitude of opposition, you naturally give all your reasons for why it's not that easy and why you haven't done it yet.
If I were you, I might say something like, 'Thank you dad for looking out for me and thinking about my future. I know you just want me to have a happy life, and since I'm not getting any younger, you want me to have a child sooner rather than later. You also hope someone can take care of me, especially when I'm older. Honestly, I'm trying very hard to find someone suitable. I've heard many horror stories of bad marriages, and I don't want to bring that kind of trouble and drama to our family, so I'm still looking, and I hope you can be patient with me.'
Do you see how I bring a different energy compared to you? I show understanding and appreciation towards your dad, and I give him the feeling that we're on the same team, and I'm garnering his support as opposed to arguing with him."
She said, "Oh yeah, that does feel different."
I continued, "But it's very important that you don't just try to learn and memorize the words I said. My words come from my frame of mind, from my caring and respectful attitude. That's what you need to take away. When your mind is correct, your speech and actions will naturally be correct as well.
Can you try to see your father in a more positive light? Think about it: No one is perfect. Every parent just wants the best for their child, so try to see your father's good intentions. Also, it's not easy for parents to raise children. Most parents go through so much difficulty and sacrifices for their children. When we were babies, we cried all night, and they had to wake up many times every night to clean our diapers and comfort us. When we get sick, they get sick with worry. When good things happen to us, parents are even happier than us.
I used to be really annoyed at my mother for always criticizing me without understanding me first, and we had many arguments because of that. But after learning about Confucianism and filial piety, I reflected on all that she's done and sacrificed for me. For example, I remember my mom was willing to lose her job for me, and she even moved to Canada for me despite already having a great life in China. In Canada, she worked so hard and was always so tired, and that was all for me.
After reflecting on my mom's hardships and sacrifices for me, I felt bad about arguing with her. She's human just like anyone else, and I shouldn't expect her to have no faults. I've come to accept that she sometimes jumps to conclusions, and I don't get angry at her for it anymore because I love her, and loving someone means you love them despite their faults. Also, most people, including myself, have the fault of jumping to conclusions, so it's really not fair to expect her to not have that problem.
When we hold feelings of gratitude, love, and respect towards someone, we naturally won't argue with them. If my mom unfairly criticizes me, I would focus more on easing her worries as opposed to arguing the logic of what she says. Now, I'm not perfect at it yet, but I'm working on it. When you hold feelings of love and respect towards your parents, YOU benefit the most because you'll have a happy state of mind and a good conscience. On the other hand, disrespecting parents is really ungrateful, and it'll give us an uneasy conscience."
We also talked more about her plan to move to Japan. I told her,
"I'm not against you moving to Japan, especially if it helps you to grow and progress in your career. As humans, we all get influenced by our environment, so it's very important to find a good and suitable environment. That's why Mencius's mother moved houses three times (to find a good environment for her son). But at the same time, we can't push the responsibility for our feelings onto our external environment. We need to cultivate our minds to remain calm and peaceful regardless of the environment. Also, it's important to get your parents' support for such a big decision; Otherwise, you'll have an uneasy conscience."
The day after our chat, my friend messaged me and told me, "Thanks for the great chat yesterday! I had a call with my dad afterwards, and our communication was much more peaceful. I also had the best sleep in many months last night. I feel refreshed and more positive, and I will try to preserve this state of mind."
Commentary
I was really happy to hear that my friend had better communication with her dad and was feeling more positive energy after our chat. I'm also really impressed that she was able to change her energy and attitude so quickly, and I hope she can preserve it.
Regarding the inner joys, the original quote by Mencius is:
"Exemplary people have three joys, and ruling the kingdom is not one of them. To have parents and siblings alive and healthy, that is the first joy. To feel no reason for shame when looking up at the Heavens or towards people, that is the second joy. To receive and teach the most talented people in the kingdom, that is the third joy."
(Original Text: 君子有三樂，而王天下不與存焉。父母俱存，兄弟無故，一樂也。仰不愧於天，俯不怍於人，二樂也。得天下英才而教育之，三樂也。Translation: Self.)
Here, "exemplary people" refer to those who actively cultivate their virtues. Although Mencius only mentions family members in the first joy, we can extend this meaning to include all relationships in general. After all, in Confucian philosophy (which Mencius is part of), if we have good family relationships, we'll naturally have good relationships with those outside the immediate family. The second joy is about having a clear conscience towards the Heavens (assuming the Heavens know everything) and all people. Although the third joy talks about teaching talented people in the kingdom, we can extend this meaning to helping people in general. After all, the purpose of grooming talent is so that they can contribute to the kingdom.
As for the fourth inner joy, Socrates said,
"Just as one person delights in improving his farm, and another his horse, so I delight in attending to my own improvement day by day."
Moreover, Confucius said something very similar:
"To learn and repeatedly practice what you learn, is this not delightful?"
(Original Text: 學而時習之，不亦說乎. Translation: Self.)
Although it may seem like I only focused on cultivating a better relationship with her dad in the chat with my friend, I actually hit on all four inner joys. To give an analogy, the four inner joys are like four different sides of the same object. In order to have good relationships (joy #1), we need to cultivate and improve our virtues and morality (joy #4), such as kindness (joy #3), humility, respect, and gratitude. When we know that we behave morally and work to improve our virtues, we'll also have a good conscience (joy #2).
On the other hand, if we neglect morality and do things against morality, such as selfishness, arrogance, and entitlement, we'll create lots of relationship problems and have a guilty conscience. External stimulation can only distract us temporarily, but we can't avoid those relationship problems and that guilty conscience forever.
The reason I focused on her relationship with her dad is because the foundation for all our relationships lies in our relationships with our parents (also, she's good with her mom). That's because for most of us, parents are the people whom we should feel most gratitude towards. After all, they gave us our life and raised us, and they love us more than anyone else. If we can't feel gratitude, love, and respect towards parents, how can we truly care for and respect other people who've given less to us? If we do, then it's because we want something from them, and as soon as they can no longer benefit us, we won't care about them anymore, so it's not true kindness or respect.
Once we've nurtured love and respect for our parents, we can naturally extend those virtues towards other elders because they are other people's parents too. We would also love and respect our siblings to make our parents happy, and then we can extend that love and respect towards people of similar age or status, such as classmates, colleagues, and friends. Even if we don't have siblings, we can still understand that parents want us to have harmonious relationships with other people, and we would try to not make parents worry about us.
From this experience with my friend, I gained a further appreciation for ancient philosophies because they really help us to solve our problems from the root, and they give us wisdom and direction in life that really bring us long-lasting happiness. For more on this topic, check out my book summary on Guide To A Happy Life.
Do you feel like you have a lot of internal joy? If not, how might you cultivate more?
Weekly Wisdom #304
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