Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 4: Adversity

I recently took an attitude class from Dr. Alan Zimmerman, and the most central concept in the class was this: Be an actor, not a reactor. An actor is in control of their feelings and behavior. A reactor is not. A reactor's feelings are dependent on external circumstances, and they can't help but react a certain way given certain circumstances. Dr. Zimmerman says:

"It's not so much what happens to you that matters. It's how you're conditioned to respond that makes all the difference."

Dr. Zimmerman shared many stories and examples, which I've categorized into four main categories: inconveniences, negative people, negative expectations, and adversities. This week, we'll look at adversities.

Most people get disheartened in the face of adversity. But actors refuse to let external circumstances ruin their mood. How do they maintain a good attitude in spite of difficult circumstances? They know that there's always something positive they can find in every situation, and that there's always something they can be grateful for. This doesn't mean they are happy-go-lucky in spite of adversity, but rather they can maintain a sense of calm, peace, and determination.

Dr. Zimmerman shared the story of Robert Schuller and his assistant Louis. Schuller was an American Christian televangelist, pastor, and host of the Hour of Power TV program. One day, his assistant Louis told him, "I just got back from the doctor. I have cancer, and I'm not expected to live much longer. Will you come over and talk to me?"

Schuller was quite shocked too. But he knew that Louis was hoping he could give her some faith, just like he does with people every day on TV. A few years later, Louis was still alive, and he told Schuller that what he said on that day turned her fear into confidence that she could make it. So what did he say?

He said, "I'm not trying to be preachy right now, but dear God, we're so thankful for today. We're thankful we live in a day and age where great advancements are being made in the treatment of cancer. We're thankful we live in a country where the finest and best medical healthcare is available. We're thankful for the vast number of friends who love and support Louis. But most of all we're thankful for this gift of faith that Louis has. She doesn't know what the future holds, but she knows who holds the future."

Dr. Zimmerman teaches the "positive but" technique, where we counteract problems with blessings. Here are some examples:

I just lost my husband, but I still have my children.
I lost a lot of money in my stocks, but I have my house which is paid for.
My hearing has gotten poor, but I can still see well and read.
My son is out of town, but he still calls me every week.

What we choose to focus on, the problems or the blessings, will grow in our lives and determine our experience in life.

Another reason actors choose to maintain a positive attitude in the face of adversity is because they know that negative attitudes only make things worse. A positive attitude is really the only effective attitude, and it maximizes our chances of a better future.

When Dr. Zimmerman was in grade 11, his school invited a speaker named Richard Chabot. Chabot was paralyzed from the neck down, and he used a respirator to breathe. Needless to say, he really got all the students' attention. His opening remark: "Every dream I've ever had, I've been able to accomplish."

Dr. Zimmerman wondered, "Really? How could you accomplish all your dreams being paralyzed?"

Chabot continued, "For example, I've always wanted to write a book, but I can't write because my arms don't work. So I got a tape recorder and talked my whole life story into the tape recorder, several hours a day, seven days a week, for a whole year. At the end of the year, I wanted to hear the whole book played back to me, but every tape was blank. Turns out I purchased a defective recorder. A whole year's effort was lost. If anyone had the right to become negative, it was me. But I didn't. I started all over. And today, my book is published. I've always wanted to be a speaker, and I've given over 200 speeches now. I've always wanted to be president of a club, and now I'm president of a club. So every dream I've ever had, I've accomplished."

He spoke like that for 40 minutes as the audience sat there mesmerized. His finishing comment: "Life is a banquet. But most people are starving to death because they have the wrong attitude. Go out and partake in life, and when you do, think of me."

Commentary

Adversities have a big impact on our lives and often threaten our sense of safety. Adversities can either break us or elevate us to whole new levels. The key factor is our attitude.

To give an analogy, imagine bouncing a ball. Adversity is like throwing the ball down with extreme force, and the strength of the ball's material is like our attitude. If the ball is made of poor material (weak attitude), it breaks under great force (adversity). If the ball is made of strong material (good attitude), the ball bounces to greater heights from stronger force (adversity).

So what are good, effective attitudes and beliefs to have towards adversity?

Focus on blessings
View it as a challenge rather than an adversity
Believe that you can overcome the challenge
Accept the challenge
Appreciate the challenge

1: Focus on blessings

Dr. Zimmerman talked about focusing on our blessings instead of our problems. Indeed, when we look at all the blessings we have, our problems seem to shrink in comparison. This is a great way to get out of that negative rut and gain energy to take positive action.

As mentioned in part 3, our outlook on life influences our actions and decisions, which then changes our future. Therefore, focusing on blessings is not blind positivity, it's logical and pragmatic.

2: View it as a challenge rather than an adversity

The language we use influences us subconsciously, so it's very important that we choose our language thoughtfully and consciously. The term "adversity" has connotations of suffering, pain, bad luck, and negativity. A much better term is "challenge", which carries more positive energy. Challenges are stimulating and interesting. Challenges prevent boredom and stagnation. People often say, "challenge accepted" and "rise to the challenge", and people seek out challenges to grow.

Stoic philosopher Epictetus said,

"Difficulties show a person's character. So when a challenge confronts you, remember that God is matching you with a younger sparring partner, as would a physical trainer. Why? Becoming an Olympian takes sweat! I think no one has a better challenge than yours, if only you would use it like an athlete would that younger sparring partner."

If you have a religious or spiritual faith, then that faith will help you get through adversity. You can have faith that there's a higher power guiding and supporting you, and that the challenges in front of you are meant to help you on your religious or spiritual path, and that there's no way the higher power would give you something you cannot handle. I imagine Louis probably had a lot of faith in God and a lot of support from loved ones, which helped her to push through her adversity.

But even if you don't believe in God and don't want to be an Olympian, we have to understand the spirit of Epictetus's teaching here. We can rephrase this teaching like this: If we want to have a good life, we have to work hard! Everyone faces difficulties and challenges in life, and we should view these things like a training partner. There is no better training partner for us than the challenge we have in front of us, so long as we have the proper attitude.

Events are objective. Whether or not we feel negative or positive about it depends on our attitude, which then subconsciously influences our choice of words. When we consciously choose different wording, we feel different too. So instead of using words like adversity, difficulty, or tough time, use more positive language like "challenge" and "training".

On a related note, we'll probably "fail" and get "beaten down" by our "sparring partner" or challenges. Instead of using the words "failure" or "mistake", we can use the term "lesson" or "experiment." The terms "failure" and "mistake" imply that the story ends here. But it doesn't.

Our past "failures" and "mistakes" will inform us and help us succeed in the future, so they are really lessons. And if we have a long-term view to begin with, then we know that success doesn't happen on the first attempt. It takes many attempts. When we try different things each time, it really is an experiment, and when the experiment "fails", there's nothing bad about that. We learn from it and adjust until we get the result we want.

3: Believe you can overcome the challenge

When faced with a difficult challenge, it's important to believe that you can overcome it. If we don't believe we can overcome the challenge, then we won't try our best, which then reduces our performance.

Think of someone amazing who you admire. If you research their lives, you'll find that they had to overcome great adversity or challenges to attain great achievements. Everyone faces different difficulties, but we all have the same potential to persevere and overcome challenges. If they could do it, so can we.

As Ryan Holiday said,

"Don't forget, though, that you come from a long, unbroken line of ancestors who survived unimaginable adversity, difficulty, and struggle. It's their genes and their blood that run through your body right now… as their viable offspring, you're capable of what they are capable of. You're meant for this."

So no matter what challenge we are facing now, we can remind ourselves that our heroes and ancestors have gone through much worse. If they could persevere through it, then so can we. I wrote a detailed article on this titled Build Permanent Self-Confidence.

Of course, our faith in ourselves needs to be balanced with wisdom. If we tried a method and it didn't work, we shouldn't keep trying the same thing over and over again, thinking that all we need to do is try harder. It's important to ask for help and get guidance from experts. For example, Louis probably got health advice from good doctors, and Chabot had to get a new tape recorder. Getting proper guidance ensures we are going in the right direction, then we add perseverance to make sure we reach the destination. In this way, we will definitely overcome our challenges.

4: Accept the challenge

Actors accept challenges and rise to the challenge. Reactors get disheartened, complain, try to avoid it, or quit.

When Chabot found out his whole year's effort was lost, that was a very challenging moment. He had two choices. One is to get disheartened, get angry, complain, and ultimately quit. The other is to remain determined and restart. The attitude he had determined his future.

So the big question is, why was Chabot able to remain determined and restart? I'm not Chabot, so I can't speak on his behalf, but I can say that people who are able to push through adversity all have something in common: they have a purpose that is bigger than themselves, such as doing it for the people they love, or doing it for a dream that inspires them.

I would guess that Chabot had a dream for himself. He wanted to be an author. It was a very inspiring and motivating dream for him. Although it's certainly not pleasant that his whole year's effort was lost, it doesn't decrease the positive feelings he has towards his dream, so he continued to persist. Perhaps Chabot also wanted to make his family proud, so he persisted for their sake.

So when we face a difficult challenge, and we start feeling demotivated, we should ask ourselves, "Why am I doing this? Who am I doing this for?" If it's for a reason bigger than ourselves, such as for a dream that inspires us, or for the people we love, then that will give us power to rise to the challenge and persist through it.

5: Appreciate the challenge

Being able to accept the challenge is already very good. If you're able to accept the challenge, you can push yourself to the next level by appreciating the challenge.

Some people might be thinking, "I don’t want adversity and challenges! I want an easy and relaxing time in life!" That's understandable. After all, no one likes pain. But can you find anyone who has an easy and relaxing time their whole life without any adversity or challenges? In other words, difficulty and challenges are a fact of life. As mentioned before, they can either break us or elevate us to new heights.

And therein lies the reason we should be grateful for challenges. When we have a good attitude towards challenges, they elevate us to new heights, they strengthen us, they increase our abilities. As a result, we can accomplish what we didn't think was possible before. What used to seem challenging and hard for us now seems easy. Less and less things trouble us. Life becomes easier and more relaxing because we weren't directly seeking ease and relaxation to begin with. Instead, we were seeking self-improvement, and that's the key.

Seneca said,

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials."

When we seek self-improvement, we won't be afraid of challenges and difficulties. In fact, we welcome them because we view them as a good thing, like polishing a gem. Without that polishing, a gem cannot become beautiful and reveal its full value.

Seneca also said,

"I may wish to be free from torture, but if the time comes for me to endure it, I'll wish to bear it courageously with bravery and honor. Wouldn't I prefer not to fall into war? But if war does befall me, I'll wish to carry nobly the wounds, starvation, and other necessities of war. Neither am I so crazy as to desire illness, but if I must suffer illness, I'll wish to do nothing rash or dishonorable. The point is not to wish for these adversities, but for the virtue that makes adversities bearable."

If our goal in life is to have comfortable circumstances, then we will frequently get disappointed and frustrated. But if our goal is to improve character and virtues, then we will be able to accept whatever challenges come our way, grow from them, and appreciate them.

Someone I really admire is Venerable Jing Kong, and he once said,

"Be grateful to those who've hurt you because they toughened your will.

Be grateful to those who've lied to you because they increased your insight.

Be grateful to those who've mistreated you because they eliminated your negative karma.

Be grateful to those who've abandoned you because they taught you to become self-sufficient.

Be grateful to those who've impeded you because they elevated your ability.

Be grateful to those who've reprimanded you because they strengthened your stillness and wisdom.

Be grateful to all those who've made you determined to succeed."

He was able to write those words because those things really happened to him, and that's how he truly feels about those people. Clearly, he has a good attitude towards challenges. I also wrote about my attempt to emulate him in my post Elevate Your Gratitude.

A gratitude journal I used has many prompts, and it includes a couple related to adversity, such as "A difficulty that made me into a better version of myself" and "Something I learned from a difficult situation". These prompts helped me appreciate past challenges and have a better attitude towards current challenges.

Conclusion

Adversities, difficulties, and challenges are an inevitable part of life. But they don't have to be a negative thing. Our attitude towards them determines how we feel about them, how we respond to them, and ultimately whether we rise or fall from them.

Reactors have a poor attitude and get disheartened, complain, or quit. Actors have a powerful attitude and focus on blessings, view adversities as beneficial challenges, believe in their ability to overcome the challenge, accept the challenge, and appreciate the challenge.

What challenge are you facing right now? It could be the perfect challenge for you, so long as you have the right attitude.

Weekly Wisdom #331