Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 3: Negative Expectations

Feb 2210 min read

I recently took an attitude class from Dr. Alan Zimmerman, and the most central concept in the class was this: Be an actor, not a reactor. An actor is in control of their feelings and behavior. A reactor is not. A reactor's feelings are dependent on external circumstances, and they can't help but react a certain way given certain circumstances. Dr. Zimmerman says:

"It's not so much what happens to you that matters. It's how you're conditioned to respond that makes all the difference."

Dr. Zimmerman shared many stories and examples, which I've categorized into four main categories: inconveniences, negative people, negative expectations, and adversities. This week, we'll look at negative expectations.

Dr. Zimmerman shared a story of his daughter, Shelly. When she was around 6 to 9 years old, she went through a tough time and had a negative outlook on life. Every morning, Dr. Zimmerman would tell her to get out of bed and go to school, and she'd respond by saying she doesn't want to go to school. Then Dr. Zimmerman would have to physically pull her out of bed. He hated it.

One day, he tried a different approach. He ran into her bedroom, clapped his hands, and said, "Shelly! Something good is going to happen to you today!"

Shelly then jumped out of bed and said "What?!"

Dr. Zimmerman said, "I don't know. But I know something good is going to happen. Why don't you look for it and report at the end of the day?"

At the end of the day, Dr. Zimmerman asked if anything good happened today. Shelly said, "Nothing. It was the worst day of my life. I wish I was dead."

Dr. Zimmerman was a bit annoyed, but he reminded himself to be an actor, not a reactor, and to practice the active listening skills that he preaches. He said, "Honey, I'm sorry. Let me see if I can understand. Maybe your friends didn't play with you during recess?"

She said, "No, we played soccer during recess."

Dr. Zimmerman said, "Oh. Maybe your teacher made fun of you in class?"

She said, "No. I got three answers right. I got to clean the whiteboard too. That was fun."

Dr. Zimmerman said, "Maybe you weren't allowed lunch today? You sat in the cafeteria and starved while the rest of the kids ate?"

She said, "No, I had spaghetti with lots of sauce. It was good."

Shelly eventually realized she was exaggerating, and that her day really wasn't that bad.

Dr. Zimmerman continued to do this for three weeks. Every morning, he'd go into her room, clap his hands, and say, "Something good is going to happen to you today!"

After three weeks, she came back from school one day and said to Dr. Zimmerman, "Hey dad, how many good things happened to you today?"

He replied, "I'm not sure."

Shelly said, "I have three! I got a smiley face sticker, a blue bird sticker, and a nice note from a friend."

Her day really wasn't much different from before, but because Dr. Zimmerman conditioned Shelly to look for the good things in her day, she gradually turned her negative outlook on life into a positive one.

Dr. Zimmerman explained that there's a phenomenon called the self-fulfilling prophecy. Basically, we look for information that confirms our existing beliefs. So if we believe that we'll have a bad day, we'll pay extra attention to bad things to confirm our expectations, and we'll become blind to the good things. If we believe that it's going to be a good day, then we'll look for evidence that it's a good day, which then makes us feel that it was indeed a good day. We get what we expect. Our experience of our day is dependent on our beliefs.

But our beliefs affect more than just our experience of reality. They also have the power to change our reality. That's because the way we feel and think then impacts our decisions, which then impacts our future. For example, if we believe that we cannot pass a test, then we won't study very hard, and we'll probably fail. But if we believe we can pass, then we'll be motivated to study hard, and then we'll be more likely to pass.

Or in relationships, if we believe the other person won't listen to us, then we'll communicate with the energy of opposition, and they'll naturally oppose us. But if we believe that good communication is possible, then we'll look for different ways to communicate until we find one that works. Therefore, our beliefs are absolutely critical to improving our circumstances.

Dr. Zimmerman talked about research done by one of his mentors, Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, author of The Power of Positive Thinking. On New Year's Eve, he gave people at church a piece of paper and asked them what they expect to happen the next year. Then these people come back in a year's time to see if what they expected came true.

The result? People's expectations had astonishing accuracy. For example,

One man wrote, "More of the same old miserable life." He got it.
Another man wrote, "I'm a Capricorn, and according to my horoscopes, I'll lose my job and marriage." That's what happened to him.
A lady who's also a Capricorn wrote, "A job promotion." She got it.
Another person wrote down 10 goals. She accomplished 9 of them.
One person didn't come to the meeting. They found his envelope, and inside it said, "None of the men in my family have ever lived past 60. I expect I'll die next year." He died one month before his 60th birthday.

An important point to clarify here is that these are people's true beliefs, not aspirations or wishes. If someone writes down, "A job promotion", but she doesn't actually believe it, then she won't behave in a way that aligns with getting a job promotion, and so she probably won't get that result. Therefore, it's important that we reflect honestly on ourselves regarding our beliefs and expectations towards life. Some people justify low expectations by saying it prevents them from getting disappointed. But having negative expectations is truly harmful to ourselves. It's much better to have a reasonable and positive outlook on life. After all, our beliefs manifest our future.

Commentary

If given a choice, who wouldn't want to feel positive and hopeful towards the future? An actor is able to feel that way, while a reactor habitually worries about and doubts the future. Our outlook on life influences our actions and decisions, which then changes our future. Therefore, a positive attitude is not a nice-to-have, it really is critical to having a good life.

So how can we change our beliefs, attitude, and outlook towards life? Here are three methods:

Look for the good every day
Challenge negative thoughts
Get clear on your fears and plan accordingly

1: Look for the good in every day

Dr. Zimmerman gave a great method: start looking for the good in daily life. As we do this more and more, we'll naturally start to believe that there are a lot of good things in life.

I used to be quite a complainer, and I remember Dr. Zimmerman said that we cannot be grateful and unhappy at the same time, so if we want to be happier in life, a great way is to practice gratitude. Seneca also strongly advocates the practice of gratitude, saying,

"In all things we should try to make ourselves be as grateful as possible. For gratitude is a good thing for ourselves, in a manner in which justice, commonly held to belong to others, is not. Gratitude pays itself back in large measure."

So, a couple years ago, I started keeping a daily gratitude journal. Every day, I write down at least one thing that I'm grateful for from that specific day; this way, I write something unique every day, though I do have recurring themes. Some days, I just write down one thing. Other days, I have as many as ten things.

As I persist day after day, month after month, year after year, gradually I complain a lot less, and I've become more of an appreciative and good-mood person. This change happens slowly and subtly over time, such that I cannot pinpoint an exact point in time where there was a big change.

2: Challenge negative thoughts

Another method we can use to overcome habitual negative thinking is to challenge our negative thoughts. Oftentimes, we distort reality with our negative emotions, which means our negative thoughts are often exaggerated and unfounded.

Marcus Aurelius said,

"Don't tell yourself anything more than what the initial impressions report. It's been reported to you that someone is speaking badly about you. This is the report—the report wasn't that you've been harmed. I see that my son is sick—but not that his life is at risk. So always stay within your first impressions, and don't add to them in your head."

In other words, if we put these negative thoughts under the scrutiny of logic, they will lose their power. For example, if we think "I'm going to have more of the same miserable life this upcoming year," we can challenge that thought:

"How do I know for sure that my year will be miserable? I don't know the future. No one does. For all I know, this year could be super lucky. So that negative thought is unfounded. Moreover, I have a lot of control over how my year turns out. If I want to have a good year, I can set some attainable goals for myself. I'm not powerless to have a miserable year."

To give another example, there was the person who thought, "None of the men in my family have ever lived past 60. I expect I'll die next year." We can challenge that thought:

"While it's true that none of the men in my family have ever lived past 60, but that doesn't mean for sure I will be the same. It could just be a big coincidence. Or perhaps those people all died early because they all have an unhealthy lifestyle. Even if the reason is genes, genes can be changed by lifestyle. If I change my lifestyle to be more healthy, there's no reason why my lifespan wouldn't get extended. And even if I'm somehow destined to die this upcoming year, then why not take this as an opportunity to really live this year and do all the things I've always wanted to do? I don't HAVE to be gloomy about it, especially when it's not even guaranteed."

A lot of negative people think that positivity is wishful thinking that just sets you up for disappointment, but we're not promoting empty wishful thinking here. We're using rational positivity to disarm exaggerated and unfounded negative thinking. When the sun comes out, darkness naturally fades away; Similarly, when correct thoughts arise, incorrect thoughts naturally back off.

3: Get clear on your fears and plan accordingly

Negative people might justify their constant worrying by saying that it helps them prevent problems from arising in the future. But the thing is, we can predict problems and create mitigation plans without all that worry and stress. Moreover, worry and stress actually impede our ability to think clearly, so it's not helpful, not to mention that it makes us feel terrible. As Stoic philosopher Seneca said,

"We suffer more in imagination than in reality."

Oftentimes, something seems really scary because we aren't clear on what it really is. For example, people are afraid of losing their jobs. But if you ask them, "So what will happen if you lose your job?" They give some obscure answer like, "It'll be terrible! My life will be over!"

This then brings us back to point 2: challenge those exaggerated and unfounded negative thoughts. Will it really be that terrible? Is your life really going to be over? Take away the emotions and look at it objectively, what will losing your job actually look like? Well, if I have an emergency fund, that gives me some time to find another job. I can ask my friends for help. I can cut down on many expenses to save money. I can sell some assets. At the very worst, I can probably get a job at McDonald's…it's certainly not the end of the world.

From this thought exercise, we also got some risk mitigation measures that we can take action on: save up an emergency fund, identify back-up employers who are usually hiring, and build up a good network of people who can help us in case we lose our job. Taking productive action is a great way to use up the nervous energy that comes from habitual worrying.

We can even go a step further and simulate that worse case scenario. For example, Seneca said,

"Here's a lesson to test your mind's mettle: take part of a week in which you have only the most meager and cheap food, dress scantily in shabby clothes, and ask yourself if this is really the worst that you feared?"

I've actually tried this, where I lived for a few days eating the cheapest food I could find, and I learned that I could save a lot of money on food if I wanted to, and the food I ate was still decently tasty and healthy. I've also slept at airports and on the couch at my friend's place, and it's not that bad. While I certainly don't hope to become unemployed, I'm also not scared of it because I'm clear on what it would be like for me, how I can mitigate that risk, and what I can do if it happens.

Conclusion

Our beliefs and attitude impact our behavior and decisions, which then changes our future. If belief is the mother of success, then doubt is the mother of failure. Thus, positive thinking, positive beliefs, and a positive attitude are not nice-to-haves, they are critical for a good life.

Fortunately, our attitude can be changed with conscious effort and practice. If we habitually think negatively, we can change that by looking for the good in every day, by challenging those negative thoughts, and by getting clear on our fears and planning accordingly. Not only will a better attitude help us feel better, it truly helps us create a better future.

Weekly Wisdom #330