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I recently took an attitude class from Dr. Alan Zimmerman, and the most central concept in the class was this: Be an actor, not a reactor. An actor is in control of their feelings and behavior. A reactor is not. A reactor's feelings are dependent on external circumstances, and they can't help but react a certain way given certain circumstances. Dr. Zimmerman says:
"It's not so much what happens to you that matters. It's how you're conditioned to respond that makes all the difference."
Dr. Zimmerman shared many stories and examples, which I've categorized into four main categories: inconveniences, negative people, negative expectations, and adversities. This week, we'll look at negative people.
Dr. Zimmerman shared a story of one of his friends in New York City. This friend would buy a newspaper from a newsstand every day, and he would greet the salesman cheerfully, saying, "Good morning Charlie! Nice to see you!"
Charlie then replies, "Eehh keeh." Not even a greeting. Just a spitting sound.
The friend then gives the money and takes the paper, saying "Thanks a lot Charlie!"
Charlie then replies again, "Eehh keeh."
The friend then says, "Have a good day Charlie!"
One time, someone asked the friend, "Does he always act that negatively towards you?"
He said, "Yeah, he's always like that."
The person then asked, "Do you always treat him that nicely?"
He said, "Of course."
The person asked, "Why?"
He said, "I'm not going to let others decide my feelings and my behavior."
Dr. Zimmerman also shared a story of back when he used to work as a professor in a university. He would walk around the hallways in the morning greeting other professors and students. He'd say with positive energy, "Good morning! Take care! See you around!"
Most people would reply positively back to him. But for two years, there were two people who never responded back. They remained grouchy and impolite. Dr. Zimmerman eventually got impatient and thought to himself, "Forget it! How long do I have to be positive to get a response out of those two!"
Then he stopped and reminded himself, "I'm an actor, not a reactor. I will not catch their disease. I don't know what their problem is. Maybe they're constipated every morning. Whatever their reason is, how they behave is their matter. But I will continue being positive towards others because it's the right thing to do, not because it's the easy thing to do. And I give myself a pat on the back for reinforcing my good attitude."
Dr. Zimmerman further comments: Perhaps there's someone that just really irks you. Rather than continue getting irked by them all the time, why not go to the bookstore and buy a book on coping with difficult people? Why not practice on them? You've got nothing to lose. An actor takes productive action, while a reactor merely complains.
Commentary
When faced with negative, rude, or inconsiderate people, most people habitually react with annoyance, impatience, or anger. But if we think about it, letting others ruin our mood is quite a bad deal, isn't it? Stoic philosopher Epictetus said,
"If a person gave away your body to some passerby, you'd be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled—have you no shame in that?"
If we still let others ruin our mood, it's time to take back our sovereignty and refuse to let others dictate how we feel. Of course, the big question is how? First, we need to know our triggers and practice reacting in an ideal manner. Second, we need to cultivate stillness. As long as we persevere, we can definitely change our habits.
To use myself as an example, I've identified people and things that trigger me, such as people who are rude, who don't keep their word, who criticize before understanding, and who exaggerate things. Every morning, I do a visualization meditation where I visualize myself being calm, patient, and unaffected by these types of people. When I encounter such people in the course of my day, I remind myself that this is my training opportunity. Sometimes I succeed in being calm, other times I fail. The more I practice, the better I get.
The other important thing to do is to practice stillness in everyday life. Stillness is a state of calm, tranquility, and emotional stability that is unmoved by external disorder. As Marcus Aurelius said,
“Be like the rock that the waves keep crashing over. It stands unmoved and the raging of the sea falls still around it.”
We can cultivate stillness (literally making the mind still) through calming activities like meditation, slow breathing, yoga, or simply being focused and present in whatever it is we are doing. When our minds are in a calm state, we are much less likely to have big waves of emotions. When others are agitated, we won't catch their agitation so easily. Instead, we can exert stillness onto them and help them calm down.
(Aside from knowing our triggers and cultivating stillness, there are many more methods of practice. For more on this topic, check out my article Ten Ways To Deal With Difficult People.)
Everyone carries emotional energy (AKA moods), and this energy is contagious. When we interact with others, there are three possibilities:
Their emotional energy is stronger than ours, and our mood gets changed by them.
Our emotional energy is stronger than theirs, and their mood gets changed by us.
Both people's energy are extremely strong, and neither gets changed by the other.
If we repeatedly interact with someone over a long period of time, then either we will change them, or they will change us. For example, in one of the classes that I teach, I have a "trouble student" who is quite rude. When I first started teaching him a few months ago, he often called his classmates names and even called me names. He'd randomly get up and leave the classroom, or lean back in his chair, or even lie on the ground and refuse to get up. When I call him or tell him to do something, he often doesn't listen. There was one classmate who always got really upset at him, and he would find it very entertaining to watch this classmate get upset.
Other teachers warned me about this student beforehand, so I told myself before I even met him, "Either I will change him, or he will change me, and I'm not going to let him change me. No matter how rude he is, I will not get angry or impatient with him. I will role model respect and calm for my students."
So despite his rude behavior, I never once lost my temper with him. But this doesn't mean I'm unprincipled or overly nice. I enforce my principles through a reward system where students get points for good behavior and lose points for bad behavior, and they can trade points for rewards such as ice cream or bubble tea. Whenever he has rude behavior, I threaten to take away his points, and he usually apologizes. I'm also pretty generous in giving points, and he's pretty eager to earn points.
After a few months of class, he gradually became influenced by me and other teachers. He calls classmates names a lot less now, he is more willing to apologize, he can sit properly for the majority of the class, and he even shares things with classmates and praises classmates. Of course, he still has a lot of room for improvement, but change takes time, and I must not be impatient for quick results. As long as I manage myself and make sure I set a good role model, others will eventually get influenced.
Conclusion
An actor chooses how they feel, and their positivity and calm can influence others. A reactor can't help but feel annoyed, upset, or angry at others' bad behaviors. If we want to become more of an actor, then we need to know our triggers, practice responding in our ideal manner, and cultivate stillness in daily life. We can also shift our perspective to be thankful to these people who trigger us, for they are providing us with the training we need to change from a reactor to an actor.
Weekly Wisdom #329
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