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I recently took an attitude class from Dr. Alan Zimmerman, and the most central concept in the class was this: Be an actor, not a reactor. An actor is in control of their feelings and behavior. A reactor is not. A reactor's feelings are dependent on external circumstances, and they can't help but react a certain way given certain circumstances. Dr. Zimmerman says:
"It's not so much what happens to you that matters. It's how you're conditioned to respond that makes all the difference."
This is totally aligned with ancient philosophies like Stoicism, which teaches us to focus on what we can control (our thoughts and behavior) and let go of the rest (other people and circumstances). A true philosopher is an actor, not a reactor.
This sounds simple in theory and is easy to say, but it's actually very difficult in practice. Who isn't a reactor? Who doesn't get upset ever? We all have our triggers. Perhaps it's rude people, illogical people, negative people, inconveniences, or inefficiencies. But we have to recognize that we have control over our response to any situation, no matter how tough it may feel to remain calm.
Getting angry, annoyed, or upset is a habit, and a habit is not a truth. Habits can be changed. These things that trigger habitual upset in us are precisely our training partners to help us become actors instead of reactors. With consistent practice, we can slowly become more of an actor and less of a reactor.
Dr. Zimmerman shared many stories and examples, which I've categorized into four main categories: inconveniences, negative people, negative expectations, and adversities. This week, we'll look at inconveniences.
Do you ever really frustrated, upset, or dejected at minor problems and inconveniences in life? Dr. Zimmerman shared one of his stories that really left a deep impression on me:
"One time, I had just left the funeral of a 2-year old child. I got in my car and found out it wouldn't start. It was already late in the day, and the sky was dark. This was also in a bad area of town. Everyone else had already left, so the only thing I could do was call Triple A (emergency roadside service) to send help to start my car. They couldn't get here for two hours.
When they finally arrived, they were very apologetic. I was calm and told them it's OK. The mechanic was surprised and asked why I wasn't upset about the bad service. I thought to myself, "How dare I be upset at the car that wouldn't start, or at a two hour wait, when I had just come from the funeral of a two-year old. Put into perspective, my situation was nothing more than a minor inconvenience. It meant nothing."
Every time I think about that situation, my stress levels go down. Don't let the little things stress you out. Ask yourself, how important will these things be in a week, a year, in the land of eternity. Most of the time, those things don't matter at all. When you're faced with stress, is your perspective turning it into a molehill or a mountain? Choose the right perspective."
Commentary
Like many people, I get annoyed at inconveniences and complain, whether it's traffic, or missing a bus, or slow internet, or a sudden bad turn of weather, or forgetting something. But we don't have to let these inconveniences ruin our mood. We always have the choice to choose our attitude. As Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said,
"When you are distressed by an external thing, it's not the thing itself that troubles you, but only your judgment of it. And you can wipe this out at a moment's notice."
How can we wipe out that distress? One effective way is to put things into perspective. Like Dr. Zimmerman did, we can ask ourselves, how big of a deal will this be in a week, a month, a year? Chances are, we probably won't even think about it, so we don't need to make such a big deal out of it. Don't turn a molehill into a mountain.
If the inconvenience is caused by someone else, we can also jump out of our perspective and try to understand them. Chances are, they aren't trying to annoy us. They are trying to do their best at their job too. When we understand others, we can turn annoyance into understanding and patience. Below are some recent situations I encountered where I got to practice shifting my perspective.
Incident 1: Flight Meals
I recently flew to China to see my grandparents for the lunar new year. When I purchased my flight tickets, I had ordered a vegan meal, but on the 16 hour flight, I found out that my order was not put through. The flight attendant told me that since I booked my tickets via a third party, I need to confirm with the actual airline that I want a special meal, and that lots of people forget to do this.
I could've gotten angry and said, "This is absurd. I already paid for my special meal. The third party agent should have communicated with you guys. Nowhere on my order did it say I need to contact the airline personally to confirm my meal."
But I didn't. I put things into perspective. It's just a few meals on a plane. It's really not a big deal.
I can eat bread and the snacks I brought. This re-affirmed my careful attitude of bringing snacks as a backup. Secondly, the ticket I bought was the best value for money I found. The money saved compared to other tickets is well worth a few meals.
Thirdly, I jumped out of my perspective and tried to see things from the flight attendant's perspective. He probably feels really bad and nervous for giving me the bad news. He's just a messenger. If I were the messenger, I wouldn't want to be shot for bad news, so I'm not going to do that to others. He has a very tiring and under-appreciated job, so I should give him more appreciation.
I told him, "Oh I see. Thanks for letting me know. I will know that for next time. Sorry for the hassle. So can you just give me more bread then? I also have snacks I brought."
The flight attendant then told me, "Sure, I'll give you some bread first. We staff members also have our own food, and there are some vegetarian options. I'll give you mine."
I said, "Oh that's very kind of you. Yeah if we could trade meals, that would be great."
Another flight attendant said, "We can't trade meals with you. He's sacrificing his meal for you."
I said, "Oh don't worry about it then. I'm good with bread and my own snacks."
He said, "No no don't worry about it. We have other food too."
Thus, I accepted his offer and supported his act of kindness. Later, the flight attendant gave me a lot of food. Like three times as much as what other people got. And the food was quite good too. I was really pleasantly surprised.
This reminds me of karma: the energy you give is the energy you attract. Since I gave the flight attendant good energy (understanding and kindness), he also gave me good energy (generosity). I'm sure if I got angry and complained, he wouldn't so happily give me so much food.
Incident 2: Messy Room
Later, I arrived at my grandma's place, and to my surprise, it was really messy. The room and bed I was supposed to sleep on was full of stuff. In my jet-lagged state after traveling for over 24 hours, I was very tired and still had to clean up the room and bed a bit before being able to sleep. Again, I could've complained, but I didn't.
I put things into perspective. Firstly, my grandma has been in a lot of pain recently, and I found out after I had bought my plane tickets. If I had known earlier, I would've bought earlier plane tickets. Thank goodness my dad was here to take care of my grandma, and that my grandma is still alive to see me today. Everything else is a small deal.
Also, there is nothing that isn't the way it shouldn't be. We only think things shouldn't be this way when we look at things from our limited perspective. If I jump out of my perspective and look at things from my dad's perspective, he's been very busy taking care of my grandma and renovating the kitchen, so he probably didn't have the spare time and energy to clean up the room for me. His standards for what is considered "messy" is also different from mine, and I can't force my standards onto others. Moreover, my grandma and dad are both very happy to see me. The last thing I should do is ruin their good mood by complaining that my bed isn't set up yet.
Incident 3: Unhappy Friend
During my trip, I got a message from a friend, and she was complaining about her roommate always being negative. She said that her roommate's negativity ruins her mood, and she wishes she could have a different roommate.
My logical brain thinks, "OK…but you can't base your happiness on external conditions. If you think you will be happy only when the external environment and people change according to your wishes, then you'll never be happy. You have to learn to manage your own emotions and cultivate yourself rather than demanding others."
However, I know that if I sent her that message, she'd feel even more upset because what she probably wants from me is some sympathy and understanding, not a lecture that ignores her feelings and tells her she's wrong. Moreover, what she really needs, even if she didn't ask for it, is to gain some understanding towards her roommate.
So I said, "Oh that sounds tough. It sounds like your roommate is someone who's easily stressed and negative. She probably isn't trying to make you feel bad, but she just has lots of stress and anxiety inside her that's overflowing into her relationships. If you can't take it, you can try to avoid her throughout the day. Or do more things that you enjoy and that give you positive energy, and encourage your roommate to do the same. I know it's not easy, but try your best to practice not being affected by others' moods. There's no other better chance to practice than now."
Later, my friend sent me a video of a school party she attended for Lunar New Year. They had lots of delicious food and fun activities. She also performed a song. I then took this opportunity to advise her to pick the right perspective. I told her, "You are very, very, very fortunate to be at this university. It's your dream school and program, and there was a time when you didn't even think you could go. But in the end, you made it. You have great teachers and classmates. You're at your dream school in your dream program. Don't let the small stuff distract you from your big blessings!"
She replied, "You're totally right. I put your words on a sticky note and pinned it to my wall. Thanks for that reminder."
Conclusion
When we encounter problems, the perspective we have plays a key role in how we feel about the problem. If we only think about my perspective, about what I want, about how this problem is obstructing me, about the short term, then we will suffer a lot of negative emotions.
If instead, we can jump out of our perspective and think from other people's perspectives, from a bigger perspective, from a long-term perspective, then we won't make such a big deal out of things. We can instead of calm, patience, and understanding towards others.
So the big question is: When you encounter problems, is your perspective turning it into a mountain or a molehill?
Weekly Wisdom #328
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