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I've been a follower of happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin for many years, and her teachings on habit change and personality have been very impactful on me. She really practices her teachings, and recently, she and her husband Jamie had their 30th wedding anniversary.
In honor of this special occasion, she shared 30 reflections on her marriage. We all want to have happy relationships, so we should learn from successful people like her. Hence, I tried to analyze these 30 reflections to see if there's a pattern to them. The result? Yes! And it totally accords with all the ancient philosophical teachings I've been learning.
To quote her article:
"Here are 30 observations, insights, memories, and reminders I give myself:
I should go to bed angry.
Don’t expect Jamie to do anything like a “happiness project.” That’s not his style, and that’s fine.
Don’t underestimate the importance of the fact that we both like to get to the airport early.
Grab his hand, put my arm around him, give him a hug; Jamie’s love language is “Physical Touch.”
Face the fact that he’s not going to answer a lot of my texts and emails. Recognize that he’s like this with everyone, it’s not just me.
Celebrate the anniversary of January 9, 2015, as the happiest day of my life—the day when Jamie was declared “cured” of the hepatitis C he got from a blood transfusion when he was eight years old.
Recognize my tendency to blame Jamie when things go wrong, even when it’s not his fault.
Remember that time when a nurse asked us if we were newlyweds, when in fact we’d been married for more than a decade and had two children.
When I get mad about something Jamie does or doesn’t do, make the positive argument–usually, it holds. “Jamie never helps us get ready for travel” “Jamie always helps us get ready for travel.”
Give Jamie a kiss every morning and every evening.
Whenever possible, when making a complaint or criticism, lighten up. Using a humorous tone, an inside joke, or a callback lets me make my point, but nicely.
Use written notes to give reminders to Jamie, instead of talking.
Remember that Jamie is one of those Questioners who doesn’t like to answer questions. Yes, I see the irony.
Every time Jamie comes and goes from the apartment, get up out of my seat to say hello or good-bye.
Whenever possible, text him with funny photos or interesting news.
Remember the time Jamie woke me up to see the sunrise.
Jamie is really good at giving thoughtful gifts, which shows that he pays close attention to the interests and desires of the people around him.
Tell him how much I admire his dedication to civic matters.
Tell him how much I appreciate his love for going to the grocery store.
Tell him how much I appreciate the fact that he has an encyclopedic memory for faces, names, and facts about people, as well as his surprising knowledge about a wide variety of subjects.
Sometimes I get hopping mad when Jamie doesn’t “cc” me on an email or fails to give me important information—e.g., he’s committed both of us to attending an event. Remember: That’s the guy I married! Nobody’s perfect.
When our daughters were little, when they were asleep, Jamie would sometimes say, “Let’s gaze lovingly,” and we’d stand together in the hallway and gaze at them through the half-opened door. It’s a beautiful memory.
He worries about the people he loves; give him reassurances when he needs them, even when I find it tiring.
Appreciate the fact that we both get along very well with each other’s parents.
Remember that even when he doesn’t respond to some remark I’ve made, he’s listening; he’ll often act on something I’ve said without comment. (I used to assume he wasn’t paying attention because he wasn’t replying.)
Jamie rarely praises me, and he rarely criticizes me.
Jamie never complains about the fact that I have such a dislike of driving, even though it means that he’s stuck doing all the driving.
Jamie’s great about planning adventures, buying tickets to shows, finding restaurants in interesting neighborhoods, discovering new TV shows and podcasts, and so on, and this is one way he makes our lives richer and happier.
In general, and particularly as a father, Jamie worries about things that don’t worry me, and he’s not anxious about things that make me anxious—so we’re a good balance. (Some things, we both worry about!)
As a Questioner, Jamie won’t do something unless he thinks it makes sense. When sometimes this behavior annoys me, I remind myself how helpful this attitude often is."
Before I share my analysis, why don't you take a moment to analyze and categorize these observations? After all, there isn't one correct answer, and doing your own analysis might lead to your own eureka moments.
My Analysis
From these 30 reflections, I summarized four main principles for good relationships. In order of frequency, they are
Focus on others' good points and contributions: #3, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 22, 23, 24, 27, 28, 29 (12 instances; 40%).
Understand, tolerate, and respect other people's differences: #2, 5, 13, 21, 25, 26, 30 (7 instances; 23%).
Focus on your own faults, not theirs: #7, 9, 11, 12 (4 instances; 13%).
Focus on giving more: #4, 10, 14, 15 (4 instances; 13%).
These four principles all align with ancient philosophical relationship advice. For example, Stoic Emperor Marcus Aurelius said,
"Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself."
Similarly, The Analects of Confucius said,
"The Way of Confucius is simply devotion and reciprocity."
(Original text: 夫子之道, 忠恕而已矣. Translation: Self.)
Devotion is about giving one's best and being strict with oneself, while reciprocity is treating others the way we'd want to be treated, such as with appreciation, understanding, and respect.
Also, out of these 30 reflections, one of them is arguably the MOST important. Do you know which one I'm thinking of? I'll talk it about it a bit later.
While the above four principles may look like separate things, they are actually an interconnected whole. The common thread between them, the root of these four things, is…our attitude. We can divide attitude into two aspects: towards ourselves and towards others.
1: Attitude Towards Ourselves
Towards ourselves, we should be strict and demanding. We should focus on our own faults and demand ourselves to improve, not them. We should ask ourselves to give more to the other person, not the other way around. After all, nobody likes people who always demand us to change when they themselves also have faults and aren't working to change them. On the other hand, if others are working hard to fix their faults, yet they don't demand us, we'd naturally feel like we should work on ourselves too.
This doesn't mean we don't ask others to improve on their faults. Rather, it just means that we don't complain and criticize about their faults. If we ask them to change, we do so respectfully and with their best intentions in mind.
If they don't respond positively to our request, then we need to reflect on ourselves:
Have I role modelled that good behavior? Or do I have the same fault?
Have I fully understood their point of view and why they do what they do? If so, I shouldn't have any annoyance.
Have I shown them how to do it?
Do I ask them in a respectful manner? Or in an annoyed, demanding manner?
Am I patient with them? Or do I demand big results immediately?
2: Attitude Towards Others
Towards others, we should focus on
Noticing, remembering, and being grateful for their contributions
Noticing and appreciating their good points
Understanding, tolerating, and respecting their differences
Gratitude towards the other person is arguably the most important ingredient to a long-lasting happy relationship, so it's extremely important that we strengthen our gratitude muscle by noticing and remembering other people's contributions and good points.
Nobody is perfect, and everyone will do things that annoy or upset us sooner or later. If we focus on others' faults, we'll bring negative energy to the relationship, and that will bring out defensiveness and opposition from the other person. But if we focus on their contributions, on what they've given and sacrificed for us, on how much they care about us, we'll feel gratitude towards them, and we'd naturally bring positive energy to the relationship and want to give back to them. That would attract positive energy back from them. Moreover, we'd be willing to tolerate their bad habits and differences because those are outweighed by their contributions.
We should also strengthen our ability to notice their good points. When we do notice them, we'll naturally appreciate and respect them more, and we'd be more willing to tolerate their faults. As Rubin explains, everyone has different personalities, and each personality comes with its own sets of strengths and weaknesses. So when we get annoyed by one of their weaknesses, we ought to remind ourselves of those accompanying strengths that we appreciate.
3: The Most Important Observation
Out of Rubin's 30 observations, the one that I'd argue to be most important is…
#24: "Appreciate the fact that we both get along very well with each other’s parents."
Why? Because Confucius taught that filial piety (being loving and respectful towards parents) is the root of all virtues. In the Classic of Filial Piety, Confucius said,
"To not love one’s parents yet love others violates morality. To not respect one's parents yet respect others violates propriety."
(Original text: 不愛其親而愛他人者謂之悖德，不敬其親而敬他人者謂之悖禮. Translation: Self.)
If a person cannot be loving and respectful towards one's own parents, whom they should be most grateful towards, then how can they be truly loving and respectful towards other people (who have given them less)? Moreover, someone who is very filial towards their own parents would naturally be filial towards their parents-in-law, resulting in a harmonious relationship with them.
Most people try to put on a good image in front of others because if others have a bad impression of us, they won't treat us as well. But our parents know us from birth, and regardless of our bad habits, they still love us. Hence, most people don't feel the need to put on a good image in front of parents, so we are our true selves towards them. So if we want to gauge a person's moral character, a great way is to observe how they treat their parents.
Like attracts like, so if we are struggling to find a filial partner, that might be because we ourselves are lacking filial piety. Even if we do find a filial person, if we ourselves are not very filial, they probably won't be attracted to us. Thus, it's extremely important that we role model the type of person we want to attract.
Conclusion
One of my favorite quotes from Rubin is this one:
"Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships."
I really admire her for not only sharing teachings on happiness and relationships, but also walking the talk. Congratulations Rubin on such a wonderful milestone, and thank you for your teachings and role modeling!
Weekly Wisdom #310