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It's the end of another year! Like many people, I'm doing a year-end reflection. As a learner of ancient philosophies, I'm always trying to improve myself, to live a good life, and to have happiness and peace of mind. This year, I have four major learnings:
1: Selflessness brings true happiness and eliminates suffering.
We all just want to be happy in life. But we need to recognize that true happiness is different from the fleeting pleasure that comes from external stimulation (e.g., food, entertainment, gaming, shopping, etc.). Such pleasures are very short-lived, and while they can be fine in moderation, they can also lead to a slippery slope and create craving afterwards, and craving is a form of suffering. On the other hand, true happiness is long-lasting and nourishing to the mind and spirit.
In the article Cultivate Inner Joy, I wrote about four sources of long-lasting happiness: having good relationships, helping others, having a clear conscience, and seeing our improvement. Practicing selflessness and kindness is related to all of these.
Moreover, all our negative emotions, suffering, and interpersonal conflicts come from an over-focus on I, on what I want but cannot get, and on my feelings. The stronger our attachment to I, the greater our suffering. That's why ancient philosophers taught us to dampen our self-centeredness and redirect our focus towards benefiting others.
For example, the Buddha said,
"View all living beings as myself."
Lao Tzu said,
"View others' gains as my gains. View others' losses as my losses."
Thus, I chose "selflessness" as my one-word theme for 2024, and I tried to practice Venerable Jing Kong's teaching: "Think of benefiting others with every thought". In my practice, I noticed five major ways to cultivate selflessness:
Putting others before me and above me (e.g., prioritizing others on my to-do list, following others' wishes rather than fussing over all the small stuff, and giving more to others)
Empathy (when we understand others, we won't be upset at them anymore, and we'll know how to help them in a way that resonates with them)
Advising others (be more polite towards family members; be willing to go through the hassle of advising others)
Etiquette (being more considerate and respectful in the minute details of daily life)
Thinking of the bigger picture (thinking long-term and from multiple people's perspectives)
I wrote about these in detail in last week's post, My Year of Practicing Selflessness. Through this year's practice, I now have more peace of mind, more happy relationships (both in terms of quality and quantity), a sense of contentment that I live a moral life, a sense of accomplishment from self-improvement, and a feeling of confidence that I can resolve conflicts positively.
2: What you focus on, grows.
This year, some friends talked to me about their relationship problems, and this principle came up over and over again: What you focus on, grows. The energy you give is the energy you attract back.
Perhaps this sounds obvious, but most people seem oblivious to it. For example, most people don't think their spouse is perfect. Most people have something about their spouse (or family member, friend, colleague, etc.) that they'd like them to change. What method do they use?
They complain or criticize. Then the other person gets defensive and argues back. And then the two people just blame each other for being stubborn and inconsiderate. It's a negative cycle. We don't realize that by complaining and criticizing, we are giving them negative energy, and that negative energy attracts negative energy from the other person in the form of defensiveness and opposition.
On the other hand, if we can tolerate people's shortcomings, they won't feel so much pressure around us, as if we're always judging them, and they won't automatically be on guard around us, as if waiting to refute another complaint from us. This kind of relationship lacks trust, and it's very tiring for both people. If we can tolerate others' shortcomings and often look for their good points, and then praise their good points, they will feel comfortable and happy around us, and they'll be motivated to grow those good points. That's a positive cycle.
Another key insight is that we need to cultivate our mind such that when others give us negative energy, we don't unconsciously fall into negativity ourselves and instinctively return negative energy back to them. We have to maintain awareness of our emotional state and consciously choose to return positive energy to them.
For example, when others complain about us or criticize us, rather than complain back that they should first understand our situation, that they got the facts wrong, that they shouldn't exaggerate, etc., we need to first notice our emotional state. Are we in a state of negative energy, such as anger or annoyance? If so, we need to remember that speaking in a state of negative energy will only attract more negative energy from them and ourselves.
Then we need to choose to give positive energy, such as appreciation and humility. Even if we don't feel a lot of positive energy in that moment, we can at least speak what we know a person with positive energy would say, and that will bring out our positive energy. For example, we can say, "I'm sorry for making you upset. That's certainly not my intention, but the result is that you are upset, and I'm sorry for that. I appreciate you trying to communicate with me about this matter, and I want us to both be happy and harmonious. I'm sure we can solve this matter with some communication."
When they receive this caring, humble, and calm energy from us, they will be influenced too. Apology attracts apology, and appreciation attracts appreciation. They might say, "OK, well I appreciate that. Maybe I overreacted a bit." On the other hand, if we had said, "You're overreacting!" They would definitely argue and say, "No I'm not!"
If we want to resolve conflicts, someone has to become conscious and return negative energy with positive energy. What others do is outside our control, so we have to request ourselves, not others. For more on this topic, check out the article What You Focus On Grows.
3: Human nature is inherently good.
Our beliefs about human nature are very important for at least two reasons: for our self-esteem, and for our interpersonal relationships. If we believe human nature is good, then we also believe that we ourselves are good, and we'll have a better sense of self-esteem. We wouldn't think thoughts like, "I'm not like others. I'm terrible. I'm trash." As for relationships, when we believe human nature is good, we'll naturally look for other people's goodness, and as mentioned earlier, what you focus on, grows!
In the sinology program I took this past year, I learned about the ancient Chinese philosopher Mencius and his theory on why human nature is good. I found it to be very insightful, convincing, and useful. I explain his theory in detail in my article Why Human Nature Is Good And Its Significance, but I'll just mention some key points here.
Firstly, Mencius argues that human nature is good in that every person has what he calls "the four sprouts". These are the natural feelings of compassion, of modesty, of right and wrong, and of shame when doing wrong, and they are not obtained from the outside or via thinking.
For example, if we see a young child about to fall into a well, we'd naturally feel a sense of apprehension and want to save that child. That's the natural feeling of compassion. In that split moment, we're not thinking about gaining favor from the child's parents or praise from neighbors. If we didn't even try to save that child, we'd feel haunted by our conscience. If we did save the child and others praised us for it, we would think that our behavior was just the natural and right thing to do; it's nothing to brag about.
Secondly, Mencius explains that people do immoral things because of environmental influences and a lack of moral education, but their four sprouts of goodness will always be there and can be drawn out through virtuous role models and education. So if we want others to be more kind, more humble, or more moral, then we need to set a good example for them. When they see our good role modeling, their sprouts of goodness will grow. But if we are impatient and insensitive towards them, then that's setting a bad role model, and their sprouts of goodness will be suppressed.
Thirdly, these sprouts of goodness are just that: sprouts. They need nurturing to become a strong motive force. We can nurture the four sprouts by paying attention to them, holding onto them in our mind, acting on them, and undergoing moral education. In terms of sequence, we should start by cultivating our sense of love and respect towards the people closest to us first (parents and siblings), then extend outwards towards the rest of the world. This effort is worth it because cultivating goodness gives us peace of mind and an easy conscience. This echoes the first part on selflessness and true happiness.
In summary, everyone has the potential (sprouts) for goodness. The question is whether we nurture those sprouts.
4: TCM Lifestyle Tips
One of my highlights of the year was in the summer when I had the opportunity to visit my Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) doctor at her family's Chinese medicine hospital in Inner Mongolia for a week. During that time, I got to shadow her and other doctors, ask lots of questions, and try out all the various Chinese medicine treatments offered at the hospital.
I also interviewed many doctors in different departments at the hospital, and I asked them about the most common problems they see in patients and how we can prevent them. I wrote about their advice in the article Health Advice From Doctors At A Chinese Medicine Hospital, but I'll summarize their advice here:
Posture is very important for our neck and back. Practice good posture.
After sitting down for a while, get up and do some quick neck and shoulder exercises.
Exercise enough.
Avoid having AC blow directly onto your skin, especially the neck and upper back.
Eat a healthy and balanced diet suitable for your body constitution.
Healthy emotions are key to a healthy body. Manage negative emotions, cultivate positive emotions, and nurture good relationships.
The TCM textbook I'm reading also emphasizes the impact of emotional health on our physical health, and I wrote about it in my article TCM: Emotions and Health. TCM explains that anger affects the liver, overstimulation affects the heart, overthinking affects the stomach, sadness affects the lungs, and fear affects the kidneys. The book advises us to nourish our mind by cultivating kindness, having a clear conscience, and reducing desires. Coincidentally (or not), these TCM advice all resonate with what ancient philosophers teach!
After learning these simple tips, I now do some quick neck and shoulder stretches whenever I take a break from working at my desk. Every day, I've also been doing 15 minutes a Chinese exercise called Baduanjin, which is kind of like a Chinese version of yoga, and it involves stretching and deep breathing. Additionally, I do 20 minutes of meditation daily to nurture peaceful emotions.
Conclusion
2024 was a leap year, and I think I managed to leap to a higher level this year. However, there's still a lot of room for improvement, so I need to maintain my momentum and keep up the effort. Onwards and upwards into 2025 we go!
Weekly Wisdom #322
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